Letting Out Our Inner Child

It’s fascinating how captivated a child can be with the world around him/her, even with the simplest or most mundane things, like hand-washing laundry, as two little girls sat watching me today.  Everything is fresh and new.  Perhaps, even though a child has dug in the same sandbox day after day, they notice the subtle differences that make this particular moment all its own.  Or maybe they eagerly anticipate changes, knowing that the world is in a constant state of flux.  They remain enthralled by all that they notice, which is quite a lot, as they are always watching, processing, and learning, during the peak years of their development.

It’s equally fascinating that not long ago, adults experienced the world in the very same way.  However, the magic that it once held has disappeared to be replaced by jadedness from our common daily tasks to the overwhelming negative forces at work in the world.  Perhaps, this childhood experience is influential in the decision of many individuals to start a family.  In some distant memories, they can recall the wonder and excitement that the world once held and find themselves secretly missing those feelings.  It seemed to be an experience unique to childhood, so the only obvious way to relive such moments would be through a child.  As the child discovers, the parents reminisce, reliving their childhood and sharing what they hold most dear with their progeny.

While it is important to be so engaged with children, I don’t believe that children are the only ones who get to have all of the fun.  It’s far more challenging to connect with our inner child, to push away the worries, doubts, responsibilities, and horrors of life, for even just a brief moment, to recognize the good that we once saw in it and that still exists.  We need to essentially unlearn much of what has been taught to us about being an adult and how we must conduct ourselves within society, always remaining reserved, keeping busying, and wanting more.  We need to remember how to appreciate the simple things in life and marvel at their existence.

It seems that we are so firmly rooted in these mind sets, these cultural and societal constructs, that it becomes difficult to identify where they end and where our own true values and interests begin.  Maybe, if we revisit our childhood a little more often, whether it be through our memories or through new experiences individually or with our children, we may be able to find some answers and rediscover the wonder and beauty of life.

The Thrill of New Love

Flashback to...February 2010

New love can be an intense and thrilling experience that continually draws one back, eager to delve deeper into this discovery; trying to uncover what it is about his touch, the twinkle in his eyes, his presence that drives me crazy.  I feel the urge to return to those moments, as often as I can, to explore this emotional connection, so that I might attach some conclusions to this abstraction.  But also, those memories make me feel so good.  I don’t want to let that feeling of satisfaction get away, not even for a day, and I look ahead in eager anticipation to the next time I get to experience it. 

Yet, it’s important not to get lost in the emotion and excitement because it will not necessarily better acquaint me with him. I need to ask questions, engage him, and simply enjoy the process of
                                                               getting to know who he is. 

It is also easy to become so immersed in another person that I forget about myself.  I must remember that spending time with myself is just as important as time with him, as well as with my friends.  I don’t want to lose touch with myself.  I need to balance my desire and need to learn, explore, and discover within friends, my lover, and myself because all are important presences my life. 

I need to continue establishing and enforcing boundaries.  Just because one thing changes, shouldn’t mean that the floodgates let loose to overwhelm all that we’ve worked toward.  Make small adjustments as the situation calls for them.  One thing doesn’t always have to lead to another.  There is no set path or guidelines.  We can make our connection what we want it to be, the way we want it to be, without forgetting or dismissing our original goals and intentions, even as it becomes more challenging and easier to lose oneself in another, in a connection.

Turning Over a New Leaf

Flashback to...14 February 2010

The day of my first date with my last love...

I was quite nervous, as my last real date had been about two years prior and was an ultimate disaster.  Not to mention that the men in my life following that incident, I just fell into relationships with, as usual.

After having turned over a new leaf and become more like the person who I wanted to be, I was determined to not rush into anything again.  I wanted to do things right this time, make the right choices.   

And so, I developed a mantra for that afternoon, repeating it constantly aloud before leaving my apartment and throughout the entire walk to the coffee shop, as I feared I might otherwise lose my nerve...

Enjoy the process of getting to know someone.

Practice patience.

Better to get an idea of how things may work out with a guy before getting involved.

Good things come to those who wait.

Be true to myself.  I want to be strong.  I want to not be ruled by my weaknesses.

What seems good at the time isn’t always the right thing to do.

I’ve made so much progress, I don’t want to put myself back at the beginning.

I need to be my own protector.  Set limits, verbalize and enforce them because my comfort is
     most important.

I can’t please everyone.  I should start with myself.

Be strong.  Be assertive.  Know what I want, who I am, and communicate that.

If he doesn’t like the situation, then we just weren’t meant to be.  I can be selective and choose
     who complements me and fits my needs best.

Don't Settle for Second Best

Flashback to...11 February 2010

Some of my thoughts to reassert my self-esteem and self-confidence when I was faced with the prospect of a new romance:

I don’t have to settle for a guy just because he’s interested in me.  I don’t owe him anything.  I’m not obligated to return his feelings, and not doing so doesn’t make me a bad person.  He will choose to feel and act the way he does and shouldn’t expect to illicit a desired response from me

I have a choice in the matter.  I don’t have to settle and become entangled in someone else’s drama and negative energy.  I owe it to myself to move slowly and make good choices; think for myself, instead of being influenced by another’s persuasion or my own guilt.

The Dream Slipping Out of Reach?

Apparently, my internship hopping can also negatively affect my chances at securing further internships and later career-oriented employment.  I worry about this same issue when I’m back at home looking for work; if an employer won’t hire me because it doesn’t look like I can hold a job, as I haven’t stuck with a job for almost three years. 

Since I still live in a society, in which there are certain standards to meet and timelines to follow, by still working at internships after four years out of college, I’m hurting my chances at getting a real job more than helping because employers may have a fear that I can’t commit.  Although, I worry that I will get sucked into a job and never leave, even if I no longer or never have loved the work, sporting a ball and chain around my leg, a symbol of my comfort zone. 

And when did questions become unwarranted?  Perhaps, it depends upon the type of questions, the field of work, and the employer’s personality and methods, among other things.  I’ve often been praised for asking many insightful questions, in order to ensure that I’m doing the work properly, and to avoid any seriously detrimental mistakes.  However, too many questions can slow down the work pace and, apparently, is a sign of weakness, a lack of confidence in my ability to problem solve and think for myself.  I’ll concede some there.  I do need to take more risks and just try, believe in myself. There certainly is a huge benefit to working through questions and obstacles on one’s own, as one can learn that much more from the experience. 

I need to start developing solid skill sets, upon which I can build and take with me to other jobs.  I suppose a year or two of my life isn’t much in the grand scheme of things.  Not to mention, career switching is the norm now.  I don’t have to be stuck.  It’s all a matter of altering my perception, and reigning in my fear.  And, although it doesn’t always show, I have far more self-confidence than I once did.  Yet, I still find myself living in the past, where I was four years ago, with the fear of being bound to a decision forever; a fear which has cost me my last love and now, potentially, my life goals and dreams.

Any thoughts?

Delusions

I seem to have delusions as to how quick of a learner I am.  I tend to believe that I should immediately be proficient at a task, as I also have little patience for my own learning curve.  I’ve noticed a trend that upon entering internships, I begin to stress out very quickly and become incredibly critical of myself if I cannot comprehend or perform every aspect of the position and project in which I am involved.  I often compare myself to others, neglecting to consider that their more extensive training and educational backgrounds provide them with an advantage. 

I feel like I should know more than I do and I start to question what exactly I am proficient in that I can contribute.  I’ve dabbled little in several fields, but not enough to really develop functional skill sets, especially with no practice or reinforcement in between internships.  This is another reason why I am ready to find a focus so that I can consistently build my competencies, apply them, and work towards a more concrete, long-term goal.  Currently, I am aimlessly wandering; hoping that the internships I try based on the leads that I have identified will guide me to my passion.

It’s been frustrating coming into this internship at the end of the season, as I feel quite lost during project related discussions, as though I have missed important pieces of information during the development of the project.  There’s been a lot to try to wrap my head around and I struggle to learn the concepts and skills being taught to the students, who arrive for the field intensive course each week. 

I need to take it easy on myself.  I shouldn’t panic, berate myself, or try to escape.  I need to just do and throw caution to the wind, in a sense.  Stop worrying about what I will do wrong, and instead, focus on just learning the task at hand and enjoy it.  I can’t master any of this in a month.  It’s just not possible.  I need to do the best that I can with the most positivity that I can muster.

Reconnecting

Flashback to...6 January 2010

It felt so good to reconnect with my friend.  To have girl time; talk, laugh, share.  It’s easy to open up to her.  She’s very accepting and willing to open up to me as well.  I’ve been missing my friends.  I realize that they can’t always be there for me, but I’m certainly learning who I can count on when it hits the fan.  She has offered me a place to stay if I ever need it and to go visit her friends in Wisconsin this summer.  We’ll see where I’m at.  What a wonderful way to start the day!  She’s working on herself too.  She knows how to be independent.  She wants to heal herself.  She can face challenges head on, accept whatever happens, and look at struggles as opportunities.

The Beauty of Love

Love is a beautiful thing.  It’s inspiring to see the way that people treat each other, respond to each other.  To witness what they do for each other, the hardships and struggles that they endure, so that their love may continue to burn fiercely, or to simply brighten the other’s day, when they’re feeling down.  Love is not selfish, greedy, or impatient.  Acts of love strengthen the bonds between individuals, while demonstrating devotion.  True love is capable of persevering through any challenge, any obstacle, while still undergoing growth and change.  Yet, oftentimes relationships change in ways such that love takes on a new meaning and is expressed in different ways.  But then, was it really true love to begin with?  I thought that it was something solid, impenetrable, meant to last.

There are days when I miss being in love.  I love the beauty, excitement, and happiness that love brings into my life.  It feels as if my life has new meaning; a new passion has been incited.  I begin to see things in another light, appreciating he simple things in life just a little bit more.  That simplicity holds new meaning, as I experience it in different ways through the eyes of another.

Yet, love is a delicate balancing act between the self and the other, as both should receive equal priority.  Or perhaps, the self should remain a higher priority, since you are ultimately the one individual, who you can rely on to get you through life.  Only once you are able to truly love and accept yourself can you truly love and accept another and create a life together, while still being true to yourself. 

I feel that I have become wiser over the years, and ideally, more attuned to the ways of love, but such is an outsider’s perspective.  However, there are things that I must first do for myself.  I have much left to learn about myself, do for myself, and let go of for myself.  I am still in the process of self-discovery, and therefore, have yet to achieve total self-acceptance.  It would be dishonest of me to try to accept another when I have not yet fully accepted myself.  My love would be fleeting and restless, just as I am in life; bouncing around, desperately searching for my life’s passion, my calling.  I don’t want to be desperate in love, as it would end up left by the way side along with all of my other unfinished or unfulfilling self-pursuits.

But, oh, that beauty, that radiance, that warmth, that love.  It’s something that I look forward to, when I may deem myself ready and worthy.

Lost Love

My love has left me and I cannot help but feel that there was something that I could have done to prevent it.  I could have done something differently, although I do not know what that something could have been.  I offered love, support, freedom, everything that one might want, but even this was not enough.  His love just petered out, as far as I can tell from what he says and what I struggle to believe.  I find myself torn between wanting him to be happy and having happiness for myself, as we are no longer united in a way for these to be analogous desires.  I find myself resenting him and then reprimanding myself for being so contradictory.  It is through these challenging times that I need to stand by my philosophies the most.  I need to let go.  Perhaps it was just not our time, or our time was just limited to this past year, when we needed each other in our lives the most.  I do not expect him to enter back into my life, as finished relationships never seem to work out this way, at least not for me.  There usually develops too much awkwardness and remains too much lingering emotion, longing.  Friendships with former lovers generally tend to not be sustainable, which I have always found to be unfortunate, but it is what it is. 

The positive point that I am trying to focus on and take away from all of this is that I now have even greater freedom.  I can seek out job/internship/volunteer opportunities the world over without the thought at the back of my mind about how a relationship will be affected and if I will still be able to maintain contact from wherever I end up.  Even though, I had greater access to electronic communication this time, it did not matter.  Though, it is a two way street, I suppose.  Uggh!  I am supposed to be focusing on the positive!  I can go anywhere I want, do anything I want, enjoy my life, my travels.  This is what I needed to do over a year ago, but I got a bit distracted.  Fortunately, not distracted enough to completely overlook myself, as I have done in the past.

The Flame Extinguished

If you love someone, then let them go, right?  But why would they want to leave if it’s true love?  I start questioning myself:  What did I do wrong?  Did I not cherish him?  Did I smother him?  Why am I so easy to cast aside?  I suppose, it was inevitable with the distance, his interest in seriously dating other women, the unknown time apart.  I gave him the freedom to leave, so why not take advantage of it to be with a woman who wouldn’t allow him that same freedom?

I feel like we’ve been out of touch with only the occasional Skype calls and Facebook chats.  How can that limited time cover everything that we’ve been going through and allow us to develop deeper discussions?  I feel resentful, but I don’t want to be.  It’s what I wanted him to do; live without regrets.  I should be supportive.  But it still hurts; it’s still going to be painful, as it is still a break-up. 

This was OUR worst fear, that we would fall in love with other people, that we would lose what we had.  We had so much!  We had something solid, founded in love, understanding, support, challenge.  Why wasn’t it worth the wait this time?  I’ve been missing him so much, and now he’s not even there.  I can’t go back.  He can only be a figment of my dreams.  This all seems so surreal.  It was unexpected, at least in the moment.  I was hoping it would never be true, that he would never leave, and I think that I actually believed that for a time because I knew how he felt.  Or so I thought.  I can’t really know what he's thinking, what he's feeling.  What DO I know? 

Perhaps, I needed to lose that light in my life, so that I can make my own.  Everything happens for a reason, right?  I do still need to work on myself and my goals.  And I couldn’t have done much else in the relationship; it’s a two way street.  I have no idea what’s going through his mind and I don't feel like I can trust his words, which are merely used to attempt to cushion the pain and make it easier for him to leave.  I don’t feel terribly special or important, even though he says he still cares.  I feel second rate, like an old rag doll (Raggedy Ann) cast aside, as her newness and charm has faded.  What use is she anymore, especially in a society of upgrades and commercialism? 

It is what it is.  Just let it be.  If I push and harass, it will only drive him farther away and I will be contradicting myself and my principles in love.  Let him be for awhile.

Getting Comfortable at Home

My to-do list is getting shorter, particularly as I’ve finished up my two major projects: report for the marine station and applying to internships for this year.  Now, I find myself with more time and fewer excuses to remain predominantly unemployed for the duration of my time here.  Upon leaving for my internship in Ireland last spring, I was hopeful that I would not be going back to working in unfulfilling, dead-end jobs anytime soon.  However, due to the path that I seek to follow, or perhaps, to create for myself, such jobs may be quite unavoidable, as this path is not really profitable.

The longer I remain here, in my comfort zone of home, the harder it becomes to take on new challenges that arise.  For nearly a decade, I have relied upon the same car for transportation and never really had to figure out the public transportation system or depend upon others to get me where I need to go.  So it becomes a matter of not just finding a job, but finding a job that I can access, which fits with bus schedules and routes.  Other people do this all the time, as the bus is their primary source of transportation.  I should be no different.  I need to just strike out and do this.

In other news, I was fortunate enough to have few corrections to make on my report and will be sending it off shortly, probably to have it sent back to me for changes at some later date.  And so begins the extensive editing process.  I have heard professors talk before about all of the back and forth among the author, peers, and editors, tearing a report to shreds, which can take at least a year before it’s ever published.  I doubt mine will be any different.

Seeking the Positive

Recently, I have run into an old foe of mine: myself.  The side of me that is unhappy with myself and my life.  The side that demands new and exciting adventures, instead of being able to find satisfaction in the present moment and appreciate the good that exists in my life.  It is overwhelming when submersed in negativity, unable to retreat from my own self-defeating thoughts.  When I am stuck in this moment, it is difficult to remember that I do not always feel this way; that I have successfully broken free from the chains that hold me down and restrict my life before.  It seems so long ago, but it has really only been two or three years at the most, since I became tired of crying and living in fear, which really was not living.  But how did I free myself before?  I had support, encouragement, advice, and love, yet ultimately, I needed to be ready to change, so that I would accept it.  I had to help myself. 

I know what I must do; how I can return to happiness, fulfillment, and a positive attitude.  Yet, all I seem to be ready to do is the complete opposite by being hard on myself, not permitting enjoyment, and denying myself love.  I feel alone in this, yet I am really the only person, who I can rely on, for I cannot expect anyone to pause their life just to hold my hand and guide me back to mine.  It does not work that way, and I would not learn or gain much from such an experience.

I share this not to bring you down, as we all bear our share of burdens and battles, nor to garner your sympathy.  I share this with you simply because this is my life at present.  For life often does not happen as one would like, but it can be helpful to share those struggles with others, as even an attentive ear may help one to let go of some negativity, and in turn, boost spirits.  So I thank you for lending me your ear and I hope that someday I may repay your kindness by supporting you through a difficult point in your life.  I wish you the best in your life and I hope that you find happiness and fulfillment within yourself and in this world. Take care.