Better to Have Loved and Lost

“It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

- Alfred Lord Tennyson

This is a powerful quote full of truth, yet so bittersweet, and easy to overlook and underappreciate when one has not truly experienced loss.  I have written about the pain and sadness, which I have experienced over what had seemed to be true love, yet this does not compare to the suffering endured when a lover departs this world.  Loss is then, no longer about companions growing apart or one deciding that it is time to move on.  It is a forced separation of individuals very much in love, with their lives planned out, looking forward to growing old together.  Yet, for some unknown reason, this opportunity is denied.  Dreams are crushed.  The physical bond is broken. 

At least with the average break-up, one can eventually let go and take comfort in the fact that their former lover is happier now in a better place.  I suppose, this can still be said of death, as it eases the suffering of the one in pain, but it doesn’t seem the same to me. 

I read of and try to imagine what it could possibly be like to endure such anguish, but I have no real frame of reference.  I feel silly and selfish for permitting the mourning my own loss to consume me, when my former love is still alive and able to make a life for himself, as he desires.  I should not allow myself to experience my losses and defeats as if they are the end of my world, as there are nearly always worse alternatives, which I would be unable to comprehend.

What Will You Do When You Can’t Dance Anymore?

What will you do when you can’t dance anymore?  This was the question posed by director Zach in “A Chorus Line.”  What would the dancers do when no longer able to pursue and live their dream?

Diana admits to not feeling like she’s getting anywhere by landing small roles in shows, but when she shares these experiences with others, they are floored.  They find it incredible that she’s been living her dream, working her way to where she wants to be.

Shelia comments that she too felt that way once, and had a timeline set for herself.  Achieving her goal in “just a few more years” ushered her on, but now, at thirty, she’s become disillusioned and wonders how much longer she has to wait for her time to come, her big break.

Is it realistic to be chasing a dream when it seems near impossible to achieve it, when it keeps eluding you?  How do you determine when it’s time to choose another path and move on?  Is it really because it’s impossible?  Or is it because it’s a challenging path that requires more time and greater dedication, as there is no standard time line for a less traditional route? 

Am I being realistic or am I just being naïve, believing that a dream come true would certainly happen for me?

Friend and Lover

I know that I just wrote a whole spiel about love, but I’ve something else to add, which I was thinking of today, something I miss: friendship.  Oftentimes, my lover becomes my best friend, someone to whom I am incredibly close emotionally, mentally, and physically.  This is the person who I open up to completely; nothing is held back, as I feel comfortable confiding in him, sharing my joys and dreams with him, expressing my fear and misery in his presence, engaging in meaningful and enlightening discussions with him.  We would be a huge part of each others' worlds with such startling influence. 

Now, I feel like I’m closed off and isolated from most people.  I don’t know how much I can open up to different friends or what I feel comfortable sharing with them, all of the intimate details and inner struggles.  Instead, I opt for posting these details up in cyberspace with the illusion of anonymity because I have this urge to share, to feel like I have some sort of connection, even though it’s not at all the same. 

The Flame Extinguished

If you love someone, then let them go, right?  But why would they want to leave if it’s true love?  I start questioning myself:  What did I do wrong?  Did I not cherish him?  Did I smother him?  Why am I so easy to cast aside?  I suppose, it was inevitable with the distance, his interest in seriously dating other women, the unknown time apart.  I gave him the freedom to leave, so why not take advantage of it to be with a woman who wouldn’t allow him that same freedom?

I feel like we’ve been out of touch with only the occasional Skype calls and Facebook chats.  How can that limited time cover everything that we’ve been going through and allow us to develop deeper discussions?  I feel resentful, but I don’t want to be.  It’s what I wanted him to do; live without regrets.  I should be supportive.  But it still hurts; it’s still going to be painful, as it is still a break-up. 

This was OUR worst fear, that we would fall in love with other people, that we would lose what we had.  We had so much!  We had something solid, founded in love, understanding, support, challenge.  Why wasn’t it worth the wait this time?  I’ve been missing him so much, and now he’s not even there.  I can’t go back.  He can only be a figment of my dreams.  This all seems so surreal.  It was unexpected, at least in the moment.  I was hoping it would never be true, that he would never leave, and I think that I actually believed that for a time because I knew how he felt.  Or so I thought.  I can’t really know what he's thinking, what he's feeling.  What DO I know? 

Perhaps, I needed to lose that light in my life, so that I can make my own.  Everything happens for a reason, right?  I do still need to work on myself and my goals.  And I couldn’t have done much else in the relationship; it’s a two way street.  I have no idea what’s going through his mind and I don't feel like I can trust his words, which are merely used to attempt to cushion the pain and make it easier for him to leave.  I don’t feel terribly special or important, even though he says he still cares.  I feel second rate, like an old rag doll (Raggedy Ann) cast aside, as her newness and charm has faded.  What use is she anymore, especially in a society of upgrades and commercialism? 

It is what it is.  Just let it be.  If I push and harass, it will only drive him farther away and I will be contradicting myself and my principles in love.  Let him be for awhile.

Waiting for Me

So much of life is spent waiting; waiting in line, waiting for the date of a big event to come about, waiting to save up enough money for that vacation to Europe, waiting for oneself.  I often find that I am waiting for myself to be ready to do something.  Perhaps, waiting for the most opportune moment, when it feels just right, waiting for inspiration to hit me, and maybe knock me over to make the point even clearer.  I want to be in the right frame of mind, to feel capable enough in what I set out to do, so that I can be certain that it is my best quality work.  Or I am waiting to realize what the best course of action is to take, anticipating an obvious moment of enlightenment.  I may be waiting for things that will never happen, which provides me with an excuse to avoid taking control of my life.  Instead, I let myself slide, take the easy way out, and push things back another day.  There is no use in forcing an issue, as it may work out on its own in time, especially with less worry and pressure, right?.  And that is why I let myself get away with so much because I figure it will come back to me when I am ready, whatever that means.  Yet, I am unsure how to gauge my own readiness. 

This internship is only a blip in my life.  I have the rest of my life to travel, explore, discover my dreams, and achieve my goals, whatever they may be.  I’m already beyond the age requirements for many internships, so a few more years gone by will not pose anymore of a limitation.  I just need to get used to the fact that I will always be the oldest in the group, by a long shot, eventually.  My focus now is the job at hand.  I’m here, I’m not going anywhere else, so I should put all of my effort into this position.  Stop thinking about where I could be, what I’ll do next.  There will be a time for that, but it is not now, especially since I am currently so susceptible to pessimistic thinking regarding my predicament.  In addition to this, I need to renew my efforts at positive thinking and taking care of myself.  I need to be good to myself.  Currently, the way I am going about life is not healthy, as I hide away, hold myself back, and take the easy way out.  Tomorrow will be different.  Tomorrow I will get back to me.

On the Road Again

This still feels so surreal.  How could I possibly be anywhere different than I am right now, having been here at home for such a long time?  I feel more confident in where I’m going, what I’m doing, though it also feels as if I just haven't woken from a dream. Yet, reality is slowly sinking in, as I can see my hands visibly shaking out of nervousness, though perhaps, a twinge of excitement.  I’ll be fine, just let go and do what I can.  It’s all planned.  I can’t do much more than follow through.

Individual Exploration

Early Wednesday morning, before the sun even rose, the love of my life boarded a bus to New York City, en route to the suburbs of Washington, D.C.  He’s off to get a fresh start, get back on his feet, explore a world outside of his comfort zone, and develop a relationship with his biological father, with whom he will be living.  I knew he was going to leave and I witnessed it with my own eyes.  Yet, after spending the past six months with him and being only an hour’s drive away, it’s hard to believe that he could be anywhere else.  We both have things that we want to do, individual lives to lead, and goals and dreams to pursue, so the time is not right for us to be together; at least not in convenient proximity to each other.  We just need to believe that our love is strong enough to withstand the test of time, and that one day, our paths may cross once again.

As for me, I finally get to begin a new adventure, and will be hopping on a plane bound for Seattle on May 12.  From there, I will be ferrying up to Salt Spring Island, which is located north of Victoria and southwest of Vancouver, British Colombia.  I have been accepted for an internship position at a wildlife rehabilitation center there, where I will delve deeper into this field.  I am hoping that a full-time position will provide me with adequate exposure to all aspects of the work, so that I can determine if it is something that I would like to pursue as a career.  I decided several months ago that instead of jumping about between a variety of different types of internships, as interesting as that would be, I should focus on a particular area of interest, so that I can get a better sense of the field and develop and refine skills to make myself a more appealing job candidate.

I have kept coming back to animal care positions over the course of my life, and I actually could see myself doing wildlife rehabilitation for the long-term, having spent a portion of the past two years volunteering for such work; at least this is the feeling for now.  It still aggravates me how everything is so incredibly subject to change.  I do worry about going over to Canada and discovering, as I go through the internship, that I could not make this my life’s work, forcing me to go back to the drawing board, and potentially spending another long break at home.  I am trying not to think too much about that and just enjoy the internship for what it is and deal with this issue if it even arises.  I hope to keep traveling for awhile, and I need to get myself in gear for that, after spending the past six months hanging about at home in my comfort zone.