Better to Have Loved and Lost

“It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

- Alfred Lord Tennyson

This is a powerful quote full of truth, yet so bittersweet, and easy to overlook and underappreciate when one has not truly experienced loss.  I have written about the pain and sadness, which I have experienced over what had seemed to be true love, yet this does not compare to the suffering endured when a lover departs this world.  Loss is then, no longer about companions growing apart or one deciding that it is time to move on.  It is a forced separation of individuals very much in love, with their lives planned out, looking forward to growing old together.  Yet, for some unknown reason, this opportunity is denied.  Dreams are crushed.  The physical bond is broken. 

At least with the average break-up, one can eventually let go and take comfort in the fact that their former lover is happier now in a better place.  I suppose, this can still be said of death, as it eases the suffering of the one in pain, but it doesn’t seem the same to me. 

I read of and try to imagine what it could possibly be like to endure such anguish, but I have no real frame of reference.  I feel silly and selfish for permitting the mourning my own loss to consume me, when my former love is still alive and able to make a life for himself, as he desires.  I should not allow myself to experience my losses and defeats as if they are the end of my world, as there are nearly always worse alternatives, which I would be unable to comprehend.

Switching Gears

After having slept for two hours prior to a full day of traveling home from Puerto Rico, I'm not yet feeling up to the task of composing a new post. So I will switch gears and provide you with a flashback of a different sort.

December 2011

Together, we walked along these roads

In the damp and the snow

With your arm across my shoulders,

My arm around your waist,

And our love burning fiercely;

We kept the cold at bay.

Alone, I walked along these roads,

As you embarked upon a new adventure

And I was left here;

Caught between the misery of being separated from you

And the joy of your fresh start and new life;

I earnestly await our next reunion.

Alone, again, I walk along these roads,

Along these roads, where we laughed and played;

In these fields, where we shared secrets and goals;

On these paths, where we hiked for hours;

In these woods, where we passionately embraced.

Your memory is everywhere.

I feel your lingering presence,

Which is swept away upon the wind,

So that I am left with only your ominous absence

And the frigidness of our extinguished love.

The Ones We Love, We Hurt the Most

“The ones we love, we hurt the most.”

-Anonymous?? (Please tell me if you know who coined it!)

This is a thought-provoking quote.  Although the explosive verbal abuse of my boss can be hurtful, insulting, and downright mean in the moment, in the grand scheme of things, she has little effect on me, and her opinions and actions matter little, since I have zero emotional (or any other kind of) attachment to her.  On the other hand, if my mother berated me so, I would not even be at this internship because I would either lack the self-confidence to even set foot outside my front door with my head held high or be locked away in a psychiatric institution.  Words and actions can certainly sting, but the one who says or does these things determines the degree of impact.

This train of thought, of course, brought me back to my ex and my knee jerk reaction to the circumstances post-break-up.  In the moment, I felt that my words and actions were justified, that I had sufficient time to consider my course of action, after having been sitting idly by and contemplating this for months.  Yet, now, being far enough removed (I hope) from that time of my life, I believe that I was too harsh, too judgmental, too demanding.  I was seeking justice for myself and neglected to consider his side of things, his circumstances.  I find myself full of regret for treating him so, in spite of my mantra to live without.  I doubt that he could ever find it in his heart to forgive me, and I would not blame him.

Getting Stronger

It was the hardest break-up, and yet, at the same time, the easiest break-up.  It was hard to believe that I was so easy to leave, as I am usually the first to throw in the towel in what seems to be a failing relationship.  Yet, I was blinded to that possibility, and I found myself stuck in the role of the lover struggling to let go and move on.  I believe that is what has made everything about this so difficult, still being totally in love and uncertain of how to deal with the emotional aftermath.  I was still stuck on the fact that this had been a kind of love that I had never experienced before.  We had come so far and overcome so much, and I thought that we would continue on sharing our challenges, thoughts, and goals.  Yet, I took this for granted and didn't share my outlook with him, perhaps because I was still fearful of the degree of commitment that he desired and that I didn't feel I could provide.

On the other hand, for only the second time in my life, I’m happy to be on my own, which has made the separation easier. With my constant string of relationships, it has been uncommon to find myself truly single.  My first significant experience with this when I ended my first long-term relationship was characterized by such traumatic withdrawal that I expected love to always end in this way.  So when the second long-term relationship ended, I expected the worst, but the worst didn’t come, and in its place arrived a sense of relief and freedom.  For a time, I wasn't sure if this feeling was real, perhaps some kind of fluke.

Now, that feeling has become stronger, once I began to come to terms with and accept my loss.  There is no one to consider, no one to consult; all I need to think about is me.  There was a time in my life, not too long ago, when that would have scared me, to be alone with myself and forced to sort out my own life.  But instead, I welcome it.  I want to get on with my life.  I even find that I alone take up an incredible amount of my own time and energy.  So I begin to wonder, how is it I balanced it all before, my individual life and a developing relationship?  Maybe, in the moment, I was able to manage the demands of a relationship, or perhaps, I simply gave less of myself to me.  Now, it’s my time, and I thank my former lover for that gift.

Scattered Thoughts

After working for a few years at the Northampton Starbucks, I dreaded the thought of moving there within a bustling city in 2008, in which running into my customers was unavoidable, in spite of the convenience of a shorter commute to work and my social life.  But now, on the bus ride this morning, I felt excited to return.  This time, it feels more like home, like a better fit.  Granted, it still has its problems, but the city seems to make greater strides towards progressivism and boasts far more local and independent businesses than my chain store dominated home town of West Springfield.  It certainly has a lot to do with the citizens of Northampton, their mentalities, values, and interests.  There’s also a greater feeling of community, or at least sub-communities that are easily accessible.  Again, much of it may be an illusion, my rosy picture of how I remember the city.  I’m reminded of it during my travels, as I identify communities with a similar feel for me, like Salt Spring Island and Bend, Oregon.

Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to be settled, to have my life organized, and to be an integrated part of a community.  That’s the real allure: community.  Communities have been established during my internships, but seem to be not meant to last.  When permanently settled, one can get involved in all of the organizations and volunteer activities that one desires, making long-term connections, seeing struggles through, and being a part of the successes.  I am fortunate to be continuously welcomed back into the contra community, though I feel that it might be different and even more worthwhile if I had greater involvement.  It seems like it might be easier to live out life in one place, where one’s support, love, comforts, and familiarities all exist.

Sometimes, I consider this, but I soon shake myself from this reverie and remember that this is not what I seek.  Maybe someday, but not right now.  There are still many places to travel, causes to contribute to, adventures to be experienced.  I can’t have two very different lives or aspects of these lives existing at the same time.  It’s just not possible, so I am forced to prioritize and keep my mind set in the direction of my goals.

By being bitter, I am still playing the victim, four months following the break-up, and I have not truly let go.  I feel as if I have been boasting my capability of holding a grudge for this long.  If I’m bitter, how can I truly be happy for him or supportive of what he wants for himself?  If I haven’t let go, then am I expecting something in return, some sort of amends?  If this is true, then how can I really say that I loved him, since I am not acting as such now and living up to my own ideals of what love is.  I am still letting his past actions affect me and control my happiness, for how can I be truly happy with such a burden to bear?  These questions make me reconsider my behavior.  For awhile, it was acceptable, or at least understandable, but there comes a time, when I need to toughen up, move on, and stop feeling sorry for myself.

Acceptance and Appreciation

I think that I’m beginning to accept the break-up and appreciate it for what it is and what we had.  Not everything works out in life the way that we want it to, so that, oftentimes, we find ourselves forced to seek alternative routes in learning life's lessons.  However, this is difficult to accept and plan for, since we lack such foresight and are typically resistant to change. Perhaps, he and I had learned all of the lessons that we possibly could from each other and our relationship at this point in our lives; however, this exchange may have also simply become much more challenging with the miles between us.

Yet, during our time together, I did learn that it is possible to love and maintain a strong connection at a distance, and that though love may falter, it doesn’t fade, as long as the desire and effort to rekindle it is still there.  I learned that I can truly be an individual and live my life rather separately from a significant other, and that I can pursue my dreams in this way without guilt and regret.  And the break-up itself is yet another lesson in letting go and not hanging onto and fixating on someone who is not there or something that cannot be changed. 

For now, the distance certainly helps to cushion this moving on process, since British Columbia lacks the reminders of home.  Yet, the reminders that I do experience have triggered the happy memories, instead of anxiety over the errors and disagreements that occurred during the relationship, which is a shift in my usual post-relationship focus.  In the past, there have usually been things that I could have done differently to make circumstances better, easier, or to make my relationships persist instead of fail.  Initially, I did resort to this mode of thinking, wondering what I did wrong this time.  Granted, there are always improvements to be made and this relationship was far from perfect, as we are both imperfect humans.  Yet, we simply grew apart, or he grew apart, as the case may be, and there is nothing that either of us could have done differently without making unnecessary self-sacrifices, which was never an option.  There is a reason for all of this, but it has yet to be revealed; only in time.

Lost Love

My love has left me and I cannot help but feel that there was something that I could have done to prevent it.  I could have done something differently, although I do not know what that something could have been.  I offered love, support, freedom, everything that one might want, but even this was not enough.  His love just petered out, as far as I can tell from what he says and what I struggle to believe.  I find myself torn between wanting him to be happy and having happiness for myself, as we are no longer united in a way for these to be analogous desires.  I find myself resenting him and then reprimanding myself for being so contradictory.  It is through these challenging times that I need to stand by my philosophies the most.  I need to let go.  Perhaps it was just not our time, or our time was just limited to this past year, when we needed each other in our lives the most.  I do not expect him to enter back into my life, as finished relationships never seem to work out this way, at least not for me.  There usually develops too much awkwardness and remains too much lingering emotion, longing.  Friendships with former lovers generally tend to not be sustainable, which I have always found to be unfortunate, but it is what it is. 

The positive point that I am trying to focus on and take away from all of this is that I now have even greater freedom.  I can seek out job/internship/volunteer opportunities the world over without the thought at the back of my mind about how a relationship will be affected and if I will still be able to maintain contact from wherever I end up.  Even though, I had greater access to electronic communication this time, it did not matter.  Though, it is a two way street, I suppose.  Uggh!  I am supposed to be focusing on the positive!  I can go anywhere I want, do anything I want, enjoy my life, my travels.  This is what I needed to do over a year ago, but I got a bit distracted.  Fortunately, not distracted enough to completely overlook myself, as I have done in the past.

The Flame Extinguished

If you love someone, then let them go, right?  But why would they want to leave if it’s true love?  I start questioning myself:  What did I do wrong?  Did I not cherish him?  Did I smother him?  Why am I so easy to cast aside?  I suppose, it was inevitable with the distance, his interest in seriously dating other women, the unknown time apart.  I gave him the freedom to leave, so why not take advantage of it to be with a woman who wouldn’t allow him that same freedom?

I feel like we’ve been out of touch with only the occasional Skype calls and Facebook chats.  How can that limited time cover everything that we’ve been going through and allow us to develop deeper discussions?  I feel resentful, but I don’t want to be.  It’s what I wanted him to do; live without regrets.  I should be supportive.  But it still hurts; it’s still going to be painful, as it is still a break-up. 

This was OUR worst fear, that we would fall in love with other people, that we would lose what we had.  We had so much!  We had something solid, founded in love, understanding, support, challenge.  Why wasn’t it worth the wait this time?  I’ve been missing him so much, and now he’s not even there.  I can’t go back.  He can only be a figment of my dreams.  This all seems so surreal.  It was unexpected, at least in the moment.  I was hoping it would never be true, that he would never leave, and I think that I actually believed that for a time because I knew how he felt.  Or so I thought.  I can’t really know what he's thinking, what he's feeling.  What DO I know? 

Perhaps, I needed to lose that light in my life, so that I can make my own.  Everything happens for a reason, right?  I do still need to work on myself and my goals.  And I couldn’t have done much else in the relationship; it’s a two way street.  I have no idea what’s going through his mind and I don't feel like I can trust his words, which are merely used to attempt to cushion the pain and make it easier for him to leave.  I don’t feel terribly special or important, even though he says he still cares.  I feel second rate, like an old rag doll (Raggedy Ann) cast aside, as her newness and charm has faded.  What use is she anymore, especially in a society of upgrades and commercialism? 

It is what it is.  Just let it be.  If I push and harass, it will only drive him farther away and I will be contradicting myself and my principles in love.  Let him be for awhile.