Don't Settle for Second Best

Flashback to...11 February 2010

Some of my thoughts to reassert my self-esteem and self-confidence when I was faced with the prospect of a new romance:

I don’t have to settle for a guy just because he’s interested in me.  I don’t owe him anything.  I’m not obligated to return his feelings, and not doing so doesn’t make me a bad person.  He will choose to feel and act the way he does and shouldn’t expect to illicit a desired response from me

I have a choice in the matter.  I don’t have to settle and become entangled in someone else’s drama and negative energy.  I owe it to myself to move slowly and make good choices; think for myself, instead of being influenced by another’s persuasion or my own guilt.

Single Status

Flashback to...1 February 2010

Romantic songs and such don’t depress me like they used to, when I have been single in the past.  It’s been nearly a month since my ex and I broke up, and that’s about when I would start getting desperate for another guy, another relationship.  But now, I’m enjoying the time that I have to myself.  I also do have my fixes at contra dances with bountiful opportunities to flirt without romantic involvement.  Perhaps, this helps me to be more accepting of my single status. 

However, a month is certainly not a long enough time to deal with my dependency issues.  Eventually, I will apply what I’m learning to a relationship.  If a guy is truly interested in me and respects me, then he will be happy to spend time with me as a friend and won’t push me.  Let that friendship develop first.  I don’t want to fall into something and learn about it as I go along.  I want to ask questions first, so I can decide if a relationship is the best option for me.  Be selective.  Get to know what I want and see how it compares to what he wants and who he is.

What Kind of a Friend Am I?

Flashback to...10 January 2010

How good of a friend am I?  I wonder about whom my true friends are, who’s there for me during the hard times.  Yet, I’m not always there for my friends either.  There are occasions, when I’m at the right place at the right time or I make a focused effort to be there for support.  But also, when I learn about tragic news on Facebook, I may make a comment and do little else to reach out. 

So perhaps, the nature of my friendships is reflective of my own efforts and capabilities as a friend.  I get what I give.  Hopefully, my goal to stay connected to friends will help me to develop better relationships with them and into the kind of friend that I want to be.  Perhaps, this is also why I end up seeking out or falling into the romantic relationships and intimate scenarios that I do, as I am trying to establish deep, meaningful connections with individuals.

To Friend or Not To Friend

Flashback to...10 January 2010

I’ve decided to drop this friend, not that he’ll even realize it or care.  I do recognize that my own lack of control, clinginess, and emotional confusion played a significant role in the romantic situations and the awkward ones afterwards that we encountered, as well as the development, or lack thereof, of our friendship.  Yet, I also feel that a true friend would not take advantage of a situation, in which I am vulnerable and baring the contents of my heart and soul. 

Both of us could have made our intentions clearer in the beginning, although, I think he understood what I meant and used it to his own advantage in the moment.  Granted, he never lied about anything or buttered me up, so that I would be willing to do anything he wanted, as the contra dancer (from a few posting ago) was likely doing.  But, it’s still not right.  And how could I ever trust him with anything else, especially since I want to have deep, meaningful connections with my friends?  I would have to pick and choose what to share with him, not knowing what information he might use for his own benefit.  This is so sad. 

Typically, my instinct is to trust people, with whom I seem to connect or have friendly interactions, but those cannot be indicators for how honest, trustworthy, compassionate, or respectful they are, especially since everyone is looking out for their own self-interest.  It’s too easy to break someone’s trust when you’re so focused on what you want.  That sounds very familiar... 

I don’t want to be like that.  I want people to trust me, and I will work towards that.  As far as trusting others goes, I should still give them the benefit of the doubt, but I think I need to set up some boundaries to protect myself that will gradually come down as true friendship and trust develops.  I’m not sure how to measure that, though, or how to read people.  I suppose, as long as I know what I’m looking for in a friendship, and can identify my limitations and recognize red flag behaviors in myself and others, based on my past failed experiences, then I should be successful.  I need to know what I want and stick to it.  I must look out for my own self-interest because no one else is going to.

Backtracking

I used to just go for it when guys made flirtatious advances, like when I was at a music festival in Ireland.  The guy I had just danced with asked for a peck on the cheek, but instead, turned his head for a full blown kiss on the lips, which I permitted, and reveled in the attention.

But last night at the contra dance, when a friend sneaked a kiss, I did not reciprocate.  I hadn’t even been prepared to dodge it, as I had become accustomed to doing whenever he attended dances.  And I was upset that the boundary of flirtation had been crossed, which I had laid out and started to explain the rationale of via online chat with him.  Did he not respect me and my wishes, just as another former “friend” had demonstrated with similar, albeit recurrent behaviors, two years ago? 

Once we were out of the contra line, I explained to him my reasons in greater detail, which was that after having my heart obliterated in my last relationship, I am not ready to trust anyone with it, no matter how serious or not the pursuit is, for I also can’t trust myself, since I over-analyze simple gestures and fall into romance too quickly.  He understood and apologized, which I appreciated and thanked him for.  Also, I realized after the fact that I had actually said “thank you,” instead of “it’s okay,” like I usually do, which always seems like I’m just dismissing something as insignificant, to which I really did take offense. 

As we sat out a square dance, I divulged further the conditions of my past relationship, break-up, and “friendship,” why I became so angry with my ex recently and lashed out.  I felt miserable after reopening those old wounds.  I sat there thinking more on the subject, as my friend went off to dance and I munched on a cookie, which he had provided as a peace offering.  I thought back to that first waltz with my ex and how, in that instant, something just clicked.  It felt right to be in his arms, and I know that he had felt it too.  I thought about how I hadn’t loved anyone before in the way that I had love him.  It was a new feeling that was completely unnerving, but wonderful at the same time. 

Yet, as I explained to my friend, as well as in a couple of posts ago, my ex has some growing up, soul-searching, and self-exploration to do.  It’s even more upsetting that after all of this time, and all of the pain that he has caused, he still has a hold on me.

Furthermore, this new, unexpected approach to dealing with such flirtation/romance matters could either aid me in identifying and ignoring lustful whims, in favor of real and budding love, or it could cause me to become emotionally withdrawn, cold, and unfeeling.  I am uncertain as to which path I am currently on.

The Future of Relationships

When we were young, the idea of a relationship was something new and exciting that had more to do with attraction than anything else.  Oftentimes, we were seeking a person who we were physically drawn to without paying much mind to personality, values, goals.  Relationships were simpler then, even though they never seemed to at the time, drama frequently ensued with school age romances.

More recently, I’ve noticed that I am able to step back and analyze my thoughts and feelings in this department, and I am more often considering my long-term interests.  Perhaps, this is because I have become increasingly focused on my individual future, trying to plan ahead, and figuring where I would like to be on my career path in a few years time.  This, in itself, has proved to be quite challenging, but it gets me into this mindset of long-term planning, wants, and needs.  Maybe, simply aging contributes to this frame of mind, as chemical balances shift, kicking in the animals instinct to find a stable, suitable mate, with whom to copulate and raise young in the most primal sense. 

However, I would like to believe that this instinct isn’t solely what drives me, especially since kids aren’t even in any long-term plan of mine.  It does make sense, though, that at a certain age, we get the inkling to settle and begin to only date individuals who might fit in with our plans, into our lives, balance our personalities, and share our beliefs and values.  Others become not worth the time if one knows that it will not work in the future, if something about those individuals or their plans don’t jive.