The Dream Slipping Out of Reach?

Apparently, my internship hopping can also negatively affect my chances at securing further internships and later career-oriented employment.  I worry about this same issue when I’m back at home looking for work; if an employer won’t hire me because it doesn’t look like I can hold a job, as I haven’t stuck with a job for almost three years. 

Since I still live in a society, in which there are certain standards to meet and timelines to follow, by still working at internships after four years out of college, I’m hurting my chances at getting a real job more than helping because employers may have a fear that I can’t commit.  Although, I worry that I will get sucked into a job and never leave, even if I no longer or never have loved the work, sporting a ball and chain around my leg, a symbol of my comfort zone. 

And when did questions become unwarranted?  Perhaps, it depends upon the type of questions, the field of work, and the employer’s personality and methods, among other things.  I’ve often been praised for asking many insightful questions, in order to ensure that I’m doing the work properly, and to avoid any seriously detrimental mistakes.  However, too many questions can slow down the work pace and, apparently, is a sign of weakness, a lack of confidence in my ability to problem solve and think for myself.  I’ll concede some there.  I do need to take more risks and just try, believe in myself. There certainly is a huge benefit to working through questions and obstacles on one’s own, as one can learn that much more from the experience. 

I need to start developing solid skill sets, upon which I can build and take with me to other jobs.  I suppose a year or two of my life isn’t much in the grand scheme of things.  Not to mention, career switching is the norm now.  I don’t have to be stuck.  It’s all a matter of altering my perception, and reigning in my fear.  And, although it doesn’t always show, I have far more self-confidence than I once did.  Yet, I still find myself living in the past, where I was four years ago, with the fear of being bound to a decision forever; a fear which has cost me my last love and now, potentially, my life goals and dreams.

Any thoughts?

Celtic Wisdom

Recently, I finished reading Anam Ċara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom by John O’Donohue.  I loved that book.  The author had some wonderful insights, and he managed to relate ancient knowledge to considering and remedying the worries and cares of the modern world, the present-day individual.  I will share a few quotes on love and the "soul friend" that really resonated with me...

"There is a lovely idea in the Celtic tradition that if you send out goodness from yourself, or if you share that which is happy or good within you, it will all come back to you multiplied ten thousand times.  In the kingdom of love there is no competition; there is no possessiveness or control.  The more love you give away, the more love you will have." (35-6)

"You can never love another person unless you are equally involved in the beautiful but difficult spiritual work of learning to love yourself." (26)

"When you fall in love, common sense, rationality, and your normal serious, reserved, and respectable persona dissolve.  Suddenly you are like an adolescent again; there is new fire in your life.  You become revitalized.  Where there is no passion, your soul is either asleep or absent.  When your passion awakens, your soul becomes young and free and dances again." (20)

"The greatest gift new love brings into your life is the awakening to the hidden love within.  This makes you independent.  You are now able to come close to the other, not out of need or with the wearying apparatus of projection, but out of genuine intimacy, affinity, and belonging.  It is a freedom.  Love should make you free." (27) 

"One of the most precious things you should always preserve in a friendship and in love is your own difference...Often in a relationship there can be a subtle homogenizing force, which is destructive.  The irony is that it is usually the difference between people that makes one person attractive to another." (28-9)

"Two people who love each other should never feel called to explain to an outside party why they love each other, or why it is that they belong together...Their souls know why they are together; and they should trust that togetherness." (34)

"...”relationship” has become an empty center around which our lonely hunger forages for warmth and belonging.  Much of the public language of intimacy is hollow, and its incessant repetition only betrays the complete absence of intimacy.  Real intimacy is a sacred experience.  It never exposes its secret trust and belonging to the voyeuristic eye of a neon culture.  Real intimacy is of the soul, and the soul is reserved." (17)

"No one can hurt you as deeply as the one you love.  When you allow the Other inside your life, you leave yourself open...Every friendship travels at sometime through the black valley of despair.  This tests every aspect of your affection...If you can come through this time, it can purify your love, and falsity and need will fall away.  It will bring you onto new ground where affection can grow again." (12)

The Beauty of Love

Love is a beautiful thing.  It’s inspiring to see the way that people treat each other, respond to each other.  To witness what they do for each other, the hardships and struggles that they endure, so that their love may continue to burn fiercely, or to simply brighten the other’s day, when they’re feeling down.  Love is not selfish, greedy, or impatient.  Acts of love strengthen the bonds between individuals, while demonstrating devotion.  True love is capable of persevering through any challenge, any obstacle, while still undergoing growth and change.  Yet, oftentimes relationships change in ways such that love takes on a new meaning and is expressed in different ways.  But then, was it really true love to begin with?  I thought that it was something solid, impenetrable, meant to last.

There are days when I miss being in love.  I love the beauty, excitement, and happiness that love brings into my life.  It feels as if my life has new meaning; a new passion has been incited.  I begin to see things in another light, appreciating he simple things in life just a little bit more.  That simplicity holds new meaning, as I experience it in different ways through the eyes of another.

Yet, love is a delicate balancing act between the self and the other, as both should receive equal priority.  Or perhaps, the self should remain a higher priority, since you are ultimately the one individual, who you can rely on to get you through life.  Only once you are able to truly love and accept yourself can you truly love and accept another and create a life together, while still being true to yourself. 

I feel that I have become wiser over the years, and ideally, more attuned to the ways of love, but such is an outsider’s perspective.  However, there are things that I must first do for myself.  I have much left to learn about myself, do for myself, and let go of for myself.  I am still in the process of self-discovery, and therefore, have yet to achieve total self-acceptance.  It would be dishonest of me to try to accept another when I have not yet fully accepted myself.  My love would be fleeting and restless, just as I am in life; bouncing around, desperately searching for my life’s passion, my calling.  I don’t want to be desperate in love, as it would end up left by the way side along with all of my other unfinished or unfulfilling self-pursuits.

But, oh, that beauty, that radiance, that warmth, that love.  It’s something that I look forward to, when I may deem myself ready and worthy.

Living a Dream

It came to me that just last year, I was looking down from cliff edges to the ocean below into the little faces of harbor seals, which were peeping out from the water’s surface, staring inquisitively back at me.  I had wondered what it would be like to interact with these creatures, how they live, what their personalities might be like.  At the present moment, while standing beside a bathtub containing a couple of hungry seal pups, I realized that I am doing exactly what I had set out to do.  It was to satisfy a curiosity if nothing else, and perhaps, blown out of proportion as I considered it to be my career destiny, but that is not what is important.  I am living what I am dreaming.  It may not necessarily be logical or rational, but it does not really matter.  Yes, I am searching for my calling in life, a passion that drives me, but in the meantime, I can create amazing experiences for myself.  How many people can say that they had the opportunity to work with wildlife, especially seals?  There are only so many organizations that have licenses to work with or research marine mammals.  This is not just the daily grind, even though it may feel that way, at times, with so much repetition, mounting demands, and stress.

Wanting More

Why is it we always find ourselves wanting more, wanting something better, or even wanting something that we cannot have?  What is so unsatisfactory about the present?  It was once something that was wanted, but now that is has been attained, it is somehow less desirable.  Everyone here, interns and staff, are here for a reason; they have a passion for animals and caring for them.  Yet, we quickly get bogged down by the work, the rushing, the chaos, the schedules, so that we seem to forget about this overarching reason.   

At least it seems this way, we complain about schedules, long hours, shift disorganization, not enough time off.  Why would we necessarily want time off if this is what we wanted to be doing with our lives?  We should want to help and learn as much as possible in the limited time, for which we are here.  There is really little time for complaints.  And I certainly fall into this as well.  I look forward to my days off, so that I may relax and have time to myself, though this is important as well.  However, it is difficult to get myself going again and get pumped for work the next day.  

It is amazing how such a unique experience, doing something that one loves can so quickly become old hat, part of the daily grind.  What does this suggest?  Is it not one’s true passion?  Is it just challenging to love the job as a whole if there are certain aspects of it that are much less appealing?  Do we just take things for granted that easily?  It seems as if I constantly have to remind myself that I could be in a worse position, being stuck at home in some dead end job for the rest of my life.  I shudder at the thought.  Yet, I suppose that such an extreme is necessary to make me aware of what I really do have, instead of simply dwelling on the present negatives, which are quite miniscule in the grand scheme of things.