The Dream Slipping Out of Reach?

Apparently, my internship hopping can also negatively affect my chances at securing further internships and later career-oriented employment.  I worry about this same issue when I’m back at home looking for work; if an employer won’t hire me because it doesn’t look like I can hold a job, as I haven’t stuck with a job for almost three years. 

Since I still live in a society, in which there are certain standards to meet and timelines to follow, by still working at internships after four years out of college, I’m hurting my chances at getting a real job more than helping because employers may have a fear that I can’t commit.  Although, I worry that I will get sucked into a job and never leave, even if I no longer or never have loved the work, sporting a ball and chain around my leg, a symbol of my comfort zone. 

And when did questions become unwarranted?  Perhaps, it depends upon the type of questions, the field of work, and the employer’s personality and methods, among other things.  I’ve often been praised for asking many insightful questions, in order to ensure that I’m doing the work properly, and to avoid any seriously detrimental mistakes.  However, too many questions can slow down the work pace and, apparently, is a sign of weakness, a lack of confidence in my ability to problem solve and think for myself.  I’ll concede some there.  I do need to take more risks and just try, believe in myself. There certainly is a huge benefit to working through questions and obstacles on one’s own, as one can learn that much more from the experience. 

I need to start developing solid skill sets, upon which I can build and take with me to other jobs.  I suppose a year or two of my life isn’t much in the grand scheme of things.  Not to mention, career switching is the norm now.  I don’t have to be stuck.  It’s all a matter of altering my perception, and reigning in my fear.  And, although it doesn’t always show, I have far more self-confidence than I once did.  Yet, I still find myself living in the past, where I was four years ago, with the fear of being bound to a decision forever; a fear which has cost me my last love and now, potentially, my life goals and dreams.

Any thoughts?

Delusions

I seem to have delusions as to how quick of a learner I am.  I tend to believe that I should immediately be proficient at a task, as I also have little patience for my own learning curve.  I’ve noticed a trend that upon entering internships, I begin to stress out very quickly and become incredibly critical of myself if I cannot comprehend or perform every aspect of the position and project in which I am involved.  I often compare myself to others, neglecting to consider that their more extensive training and educational backgrounds provide them with an advantage. 

I feel like I should know more than I do and I start to question what exactly I am proficient in that I can contribute.  I’ve dabbled little in several fields, but not enough to really develop functional skill sets, especially with no practice or reinforcement in between internships.  This is another reason why I am ready to find a focus so that I can consistently build my competencies, apply them, and work towards a more concrete, long-term goal.  Currently, I am aimlessly wandering; hoping that the internships I try based on the leads that I have identified will guide me to my passion.

It’s been frustrating coming into this internship at the end of the season, as I feel quite lost during project related discussions, as though I have missed important pieces of information during the development of the project.  There’s been a lot to try to wrap my head around and I struggle to learn the concepts and skills being taught to the students, who arrive for the field intensive course each week. 

I need to take it easy on myself.  I shouldn’t panic, berate myself, or try to escape.  I need to just do and throw caution to the wind, in a sense.  Stop worrying about what I will do wrong, and instead, focus on just learning the task at hand and enjoy it.  I can’t master any of this in a month.  It’s just not possible.  I need to do the best that I can with the most positivity that I can muster.

The Beginning of Current Occupation: Volunteer

When I first started filling out forms that ask for your current occupation, I never thought much about this word, “occupation”, as I quickly scribbled down “student”.  I was a student for about twenty-three years of my life, and following graduation, I hesitated at that “occupation” line.  I was quite reluctant to fill in “barista” as my occupation during the first year after I had earned a Bachelor of Arts degree in Environmental Studies.  I felt occupation to be synonymous to career, something that one aspired and dedicated oneself to in life.  I was far from passionate about making people’s coffee, especially not for the rest of my life.

Yet, as unhappy and frustrated as I was with my “occupation” and the general path of my life, I felt powerless to do anything about it.  Often, I would hear of the travels and adventures of friends and acquaintances, which caused an upwelling of jealousy.  However, it was unfair of me to feel this way towards these individuals, who were making the most of life and really living it.  I wanted to travel.  I wanted to do something different, something meaningful.  I didn’t feel like I could accomplish that by staying around my hometown, my comfort zone, and following along the path of building a successful career, becoming financially stable, settling down, and starting a family.  It just didn’t feel right for me, and was the cause of some shuddering.  It took me, well, a lifetime really, to build up my courage and self-confidence, but one year was the most pivotal for me to take a risk and make a change.

In the spring of 2009, I took a chance and applied for a position doing trail work in Vermont for part of the summer, for which I was accepted.  Around this time, I also booked a one way ticket to Seattle, Washington, with a plan to visit friends and to travel the west coast for the very first time and on my own.  My adventure had begun.

Since then, I have held two internships abroad in the fields of marine biology and wildlife rehabilitation.  I find the work to be extremely rewarding and fulfilling.  I feel that, in some small way, I am making a difference, just as I had longed to do. 

In addition, this time has provided opportunities to reflect upon and learn from my travels and experiences.  Even returning home seems to offer new lessons.  And so, I hope that through my writing, I may also be able to make a difference, to inspire, to teach, or to entertain, at the very least.

Lost Love

My love has left me and I cannot help but feel that there was something that I could have done to prevent it.  I could have done something differently, although I do not know what that something could have been.  I offered love, support, freedom, everything that one might want, but even this was not enough.  His love just petered out, as far as I can tell from what he says and what I struggle to believe.  I find myself torn between wanting him to be happy and having happiness for myself, as we are no longer united in a way for these to be analogous desires.  I find myself resenting him and then reprimanding myself for being so contradictory.  It is through these challenging times that I need to stand by my philosophies the most.  I need to let go.  Perhaps it was just not our time, or our time was just limited to this past year, when we needed each other in our lives the most.  I do not expect him to enter back into my life, as finished relationships never seem to work out this way, at least not for me.  There usually develops too much awkwardness and remains too much lingering emotion, longing.  Friendships with former lovers generally tend to not be sustainable, which I have always found to be unfortunate, but it is what it is. 

The positive point that I am trying to focus on and take away from all of this is that I now have even greater freedom.  I can seek out job/internship/volunteer opportunities the world over without the thought at the back of my mind about how a relationship will be affected and if I will still be able to maintain contact from wherever I end up.  Even though, I had greater access to electronic communication this time, it did not matter.  Though, it is a two way street, I suppose.  Uggh!  I am supposed to be focusing on the positive!  I can go anywhere I want, do anything I want, enjoy my life, my travels.  This is what I needed to do over a year ago, but I got a bit distracted.  Fortunately, not distracted enough to completely overlook myself, as I have done in the past.

Appreciating the Little Things

I’m realizing that my past few entries have been rather negative, as I hope and wait to get away and start living life the way I would like to again.  Yet, my time here at home has not been totally horrible.  It’s just easier to zone in on the negative or to get caught up in the daily grind, and completely overlook the people and things that I have in my life right now that make it worthwhile.  Recently, I received a bit of a wake up call to how short life really is, how it can change so quickly, unexpectedly, which refamiliarized me with the importance of living life in the moment and appreciating what I have.  All too often, I find myself anticipating something, just to be looking forward to something else in the midst of the first something.  I don’t want to go through life never really being happy or satisfied because I’m so intent on getting to that next step. 

Other than trying to get myself back into the habit of pursuing constant improvement to ideally better myself as a person, I’ve mostly just been working and trying to make good use of my time.  Oftentimes, there don’t seem to be enough hours in the day! 

At my current job, I’m supposed to get a second oven, which I’m more hopeful about since the cooling racks that I was promised when I started over a month ago were finally delivered.  Ideally, this would help to cut down on the time that I spend baking and create more manageable work hours. 

I’m still getting out every weekend for contra dancing and loving every minute of it!  I’ve also been trying to get more involved in the wildlife rehabilitation community through my volunteer work and attending meetings for the state’s wildlife organization.

Building Trust With a Raccoon

The raccoon who was trying to bite me less than two months ago has begun to allow me to pet him.  He needed time to get to know me and my intentions, and to distinguish me from the other volunteers.  I believe that volunteering an extra day for over a month now has helped greatly in this familiarization process, allowing him to adapt more quickly. 

When I started volunteering again in November, he would not leave the den box that he shared with another raccoon unguarded.  He would attack my hand even as it was approaching the entry way.  Occasionally, he would pace along the shelf towards the opposite side of the room, which would allow me to quickly scan the den box, but I rarely had enough time to change out the blanket, never mind sanitizing anything, since he would hastily return if I entered his home. 

I tried to convey to him that I had no intention of hurting him; that I just wanted to clean up, but fear got in the way.  It was difficult to maintain constant composure as he approached and I anticipated an attack, ready to back away.  I’m sure that this did not ease his skepticism of me.  Yet, I was hopeful that in time, he would become accustomed to me and relax a bit.  I also thought that perhaps by witnessing my friendly interactions with his companion, he would come to understand that I wanted to be close and share my love, and that I could indeed be trusted. 

Trust did in fact build, as after a few weeks had passed, we seemed to develop some kind of understanding regarding the cleaning of the den box.  He was still uncertain of me and tried to bite when I came to close to him, so he opted to remain at the opposite end of the shelf while I cleaned.  I was still a bit uneasy, as I did not want to risk having half of my body inside the den box when he would decide that that was too much and come over to let me know.  So I stuck to cleaning the front portion of the den box and laying down a fresh blanket.  I would close the door hatch, which covered half of the entry way, and tell him that I was finished.  Shortly after, he would return to the den box and oftentimes stay there with his companion.

A few weeks later, he began to regularly bathe just outside of the den box entry way, and sometimes at the opposite end of the top shelf, particularly when I was cleaning the den box.  Occasionally, he would pause to observe what I was doing, perhaps, so that he could better understand me.  I would make small talk with him as I went about my work, to which he seemed receptive.  Sometimes, all of that work would exhaust him, so that he would curl up in his bathing spot for a quick snooze.  Thinking back on that behavior now, he demonstrated even greater trust to allow himself to be asleep and vulnerable outside of his den box.

One day, I told him that I would happily pet him if he would not try to bite me.  That is what I hoped to achieve, although neither of us had yet reached that degree of trust.  I could not read his intentions and after being attacked so many times, that was all I expected him to do when I was too close.

At some point during that month, I started to remove my glove to let him familiarize himself with my scent, which I thought might make him feel more at ease.  I wanted to create a more realistic and trusting connection, showing him the real me.

Last week, the rehabilitation owner questioned if I was providing the raccoons with adequate attention and interaction, as they are education animals.  I expressed to her my uncertainty regarding the one; and I was surprised to learn that he actually would allow people to pet him, on occasion, and particularly, liked underneath his chin to be scratched.  With this new knowledge, I decided that I would give him another shot.

This week, I was able to give him a few quick pets before he wandered out of my grasp.  I even put myself in a vulnerable position, putting my trust in him, in which I allowed him to sniff my head.  However, I was not quite prepared for face to face, as I could do with the easy-going raccoon.  Yet, I did have to be careful not to lose my glasses to their toy supply.  Occasionally, he would still try to bite my hand, but this action was not as aggressive as before, and was, instead, similar to a cat's warning bite or swipe, when it tires of or becomes annoyed by the attention that it is receiving.  I was even able to fully clean the den box, though he still went off to his corner while I did so.  Yet, he did not attack when he approached, while I was still working in the den box.  He seemed more curious than concerned about what was going on.