Homesickness Sets In

Flashback to...11 April 2010

I felt a tinge of homesickness today, as I was wandering the streets of Baltimore.  I found myself yearning for a familiar face and a warm embrace from someone, for whom I care.  I’m unsure if the same length of time has passed, as when I felt homesick in Seattle, or if it’s shorter this time.  Since I came to appreciate home more after the former trip, the longing for it and the people special to me is a bit stronger. 

Yet, I certainly don’t want to allow myself to settle.  I haven’t pushed myself far enough yet to remain at home.  I got a taste of what it is like without my comfort zone, without the familiar, without immediate support; and while it was exciting and refreshing to be so independent, I recognized the value and importance that the aspects of home have in my life.  I need to keep teaching myself how to appreciate and value the familiar, the new, and the unknown. 

One of the reasons I took my last trip by myself was because I wanted to get used to the idea of being alone, since there won’t always be a familiar face to accompany me on my journeys.  Yet, there is also value in sharing experiences, sights, and adventures with another individual, which creates a new level of meaning.  I know that I am capable of striking out on my own, and that I will not falter in making the right decision for myself.  I would simply prefer a companion with whom to enjoy life; discover, explore, and contribute positively to the world.

Letting Out Our Inner Child

It’s fascinating how captivated a child can be with the world around him/her, even with the simplest or most mundane things, like hand-washing laundry, as two little girls sat watching me today.  Everything is fresh and new.  Perhaps, even though a child has dug in the same sandbox day after day, they notice the subtle differences that make this particular moment all its own.  Or maybe they eagerly anticipate changes, knowing that the world is in a constant state of flux.  They remain enthralled by all that they notice, which is quite a lot, as they are always watching, processing, and learning, during the peak years of their development.

It’s equally fascinating that not long ago, adults experienced the world in the very same way.  However, the magic that it once held has disappeared to be replaced by jadedness from our common daily tasks to the overwhelming negative forces at work in the world.  Perhaps, this childhood experience is influential in the decision of many individuals to start a family.  In some distant memories, they can recall the wonder and excitement that the world once held and find themselves secretly missing those feelings.  It seemed to be an experience unique to childhood, so the only obvious way to relive such moments would be through a child.  As the child discovers, the parents reminisce, reliving their childhood and sharing what they hold most dear with their progeny.

While it is important to be so engaged with children, I don’t believe that children are the only ones who get to have all of the fun.  It’s far more challenging to connect with our inner child, to push away the worries, doubts, responsibilities, and horrors of life, for even just a brief moment, to recognize the good that we once saw in it and that still exists.  We need to essentially unlearn much of what has been taught to us about being an adult and how we must conduct ourselves within society, always remaining reserved, keeping busying, and wanting more.  We need to remember how to appreciate the simple things in life and marvel at their existence.

It seems that we are so firmly rooted in these mind sets, these cultural and societal constructs, that it becomes difficult to identify where they end and where our own true values and interests begin.  Maybe, if we revisit our childhood a little more often, whether it be through our memories or through new experiences individually or with our children, we may be able to find some answers and rediscover the wonder and beauty of life.

Understanding the Inner Self

I spent the past couple of days in self-reflection, trying to identify the unhealthy patterns in my life, so that I may address and remedy them.  For this, I utilized the following exercise from Starhawk's The Earth Path.  I highly recommend this book, not only as an aid to better understand the inner workings of oneself, but also to assist in reconnecting with nature, during a time in which we have distanced ourselves so much from it.  Happy soul searching!

Inner Pattern Observation

Starhawk: The Earth Path

The magic circle of the elements can help us look for our own internal patterns.  You can work with the questions below in several different ways.  Alone, you can meditate on them, write in your journal about them, or take each for a period of days or a week to reflect upon and keep notes on.

With a friend, partner, or in a healing or mentoring relationship, you could share with each other your reflections and give each other feedback and insights.

In a group or circle with a high degree of intimacy or trust, you could go around the circle, giving each person time to respond to each question without being interrupted or challenged.  At the end, you could discuss what is similar or different about your conclusions.  In group work, I would suggest taking one element each session, and devoting five or six sessions to this work.

Air

Are there patterns you can identify in your thoughts?  Particular phrases or words you say to yourself again and again, or snatches of inner dialogue that repeat?  Names you call yourself?  Images you hold?  Fantasies?

How do these affect your perception of yourself?  Others?  How do they impact your energy?  Emotions?  Body?  Spirit?  The choices you make?  The possibilities you see around you?  How do these patterns restrict or harm you?  How do they serve you?  What do they do?

Fire

Are there patterns you can identify around your energy level and how you use your energies?  Cycles or repeating ebbs and flows?  Ways you dissipate or squander energy?  Patterns of eating or drinking or sleeping?  Repetitive ways you build up energy or stoke your fires?

How do these affect your perception of yourself?  Others?  How do they impact your energy?  Emotions?  Body?  Spirit?  The choices you make?  The possibilities you see around you?  How do these patterns restrict or harm you?  How do they serve you?  What do they do?

Water

Are there emotional patterns that you can identify?  Cycles of feeling?  Patterns in love, patterns in relationships?  Patterns in the way you respond to fear?  Hope?  Anger?  Attack?  Loss?

How do these affect your perception of yourself?  Others?  How do they impact your energy?  Emotions?  Body?  Spirit?  The choices you make?  The possibilities you see around you?  How do these patterns restrict or harm you?  How do they serve you?  What do they do?

Earth

Are there physical patterns you can identify?  Patterns in your health, fitness, muscle tone, and flexibility?  Do you get sick in response to other patterns?  Cyclically?

Are there patterns you follow around money or other material resources?  Around providing for yourself and others?  Around shopping or spending?

Do you notice patterns around your ability to set boundaries, or your encounters with others’ boundaries?

How do these affect your perception of yourself?  Others?  How do they impact your energy?  Emotions?  Body?  Spirit?  The choices you make?  The possibilities you see around you?  How do these patterns restrict or harm you?  How do they serve you?  What do they do?

Spirit

Are there spiritual patterns that you can identify?  Patterns around consciousness-change, intoxication?  Addictions?  Patterns in communication and connection with others?

How do these affect your perception of yourself?  Others?  How do they impact your energy?  Emotions?  Body?  Spirit?  The choices you make?  The possibilities you see around you?  How do these patterns restrict or harm you?  How do they serve you?  What do they do?

The Thrill of New Love

Flashback to...February 2010

New love can be an intense and thrilling experience that continually draws one back, eager to delve deeper into this discovery; trying to uncover what it is about his touch, the twinkle in his eyes, his presence that drives me crazy.  I feel the urge to return to those moments, as often as I can, to explore this emotional connection, so that I might attach some conclusions to this abstraction.  But also, those memories make me feel so good.  I don’t want to let that feeling of satisfaction get away, not even for a day, and I look ahead in eager anticipation to the next time I get to experience it. 

Yet, it’s important not to get lost in the emotion and excitement because it will not necessarily better acquaint me with him. I need to ask questions, engage him, and simply enjoy the process of
                                                               getting to know who he is. 

It is also easy to become so immersed in another person that I forget about myself.  I must remember that spending time with myself is just as important as time with him, as well as with my friends.  I don’t want to lose touch with myself.  I need to balance my desire and need to learn, explore, and discover within friends, my lover, and myself because all are important presences my life. 

I need to continue establishing and enforcing boundaries.  Just because one thing changes, shouldn’t mean that the floodgates let loose to overwhelm all that we’ve worked toward.  Make small adjustments as the situation calls for them.  One thing doesn’t always have to lead to another.  There is no set path or guidelines.  We can make our connection what we want it to be, the way we want it to be, without forgetting or dismissing our original goals and intentions, even as it becomes more challenging and easier to lose oneself in another, in a connection.

Switching Gears

After having slept for two hours prior to a full day of traveling home from Puerto Rico, I'm not yet feeling up to the task of composing a new post. So I will switch gears and provide you with a flashback of a different sort.

December 2011

Together, we walked along these roads

In the damp and the snow

With your arm across my shoulders,

My arm around your waist,

And our love burning fiercely;

We kept the cold at bay.

Alone, I walked along these roads,

As you embarked upon a new adventure

And I was left here;

Caught between the misery of being separated from you

And the joy of your fresh start and new life;

I earnestly await our next reunion.

Alone, again, I walk along these roads,

Along these roads, where we laughed and played;

In these fields, where we shared secrets and goals;

On these paths, where we hiked for hours;

In these woods, where we passionately embraced.

Your memory is everywhere.

I feel your lingering presence,

Which is swept away upon the wind,

So that I am left with only your ominous absence

And the frigidness of our extinguished love.

Don't Settle for Second Best

Flashback to...11 February 2010

Some of my thoughts to reassert my self-esteem and self-confidence when I was faced with the prospect of a new romance:

I don’t have to settle for a guy just because he’s interested in me.  I don’t owe him anything.  I’m not obligated to return his feelings, and not doing so doesn’t make me a bad person.  He will choose to feel and act the way he does and shouldn’t expect to illicit a desired response from me

I have a choice in the matter.  I don’t have to settle and become entangled in someone else’s drama and negative energy.  I owe it to myself to move slowly and make good choices; think for myself, instead of being influenced by another’s persuasion or my own guilt.

The Dream Slipping Out of Reach?

Apparently, my internship hopping can also negatively affect my chances at securing further internships and later career-oriented employment.  I worry about this same issue when I’m back at home looking for work; if an employer won’t hire me because it doesn’t look like I can hold a job, as I haven’t stuck with a job for almost three years. 

Since I still live in a society, in which there are certain standards to meet and timelines to follow, by still working at internships after four years out of college, I’m hurting my chances at getting a real job more than helping because employers may have a fear that I can’t commit.  Although, I worry that I will get sucked into a job and never leave, even if I no longer or never have loved the work, sporting a ball and chain around my leg, a symbol of my comfort zone. 

And when did questions become unwarranted?  Perhaps, it depends upon the type of questions, the field of work, and the employer’s personality and methods, among other things.  I’ve often been praised for asking many insightful questions, in order to ensure that I’m doing the work properly, and to avoid any seriously detrimental mistakes.  However, too many questions can slow down the work pace and, apparently, is a sign of weakness, a lack of confidence in my ability to problem solve and think for myself.  I’ll concede some there.  I do need to take more risks and just try, believe in myself. There certainly is a huge benefit to working through questions and obstacles on one’s own, as one can learn that much more from the experience. 

I need to start developing solid skill sets, upon which I can build and take with me to other jobs.  I suppose a year or two of my life isn’t much in the grand scheme of things.  Not to mention, career switching is the norm now.  I don’t have to be stuck.  It’s all a matter of altering my perception, and reigning in my fear.  And, although it doesn’t always show, I have far more self-confidence than I once did.  Yet, I still find myself living in the past, where I was four years ago, with the fear of being bound to a decision forever; a fear which has cost me my last love and now, potentially, my life goals and dreams.

Any thoughts?

Live Life to the Fullest

Flashback to...3 February 2010

And still incredibly relevant today... 

It seems almost silly to be making new connections when I will likely be leaving in a matter of months.  Why put in the effort?   

I suppose it’s not about length of time, but about quality of time that I spend with people.  Lessons may be learned even in the shortest amount of time.  Why cower away from the risk of putting myself out there and deny myself such an opportunity to learn, to laugh, and to live? 

Celtic Wisdom

Recently, I finished reading Anam Ċara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom by John O’Donohue.  I loved that book.  The author had some wonderful insights, and he managed to relate ancient knowledge to considering and remedying the worries and cares of the modern world, the present-day individual.  I will share a few quotes on love and the "soul friend" that really resonated with me...

"There is a lovely idea in the Celtic tradition that if you send out goodness from yourself, or if you share that which is happy or good within you, it will all come back to you multiplied ten thousand times.  In the kingdom of love there is no competition; there is no possessiveness or control.  The more love you give away, the more love you will have." (35-6)

"You can never love another person unless you are equally involved in the beautiful but difficult spiritual work of learning to love yourself." (26)

"When you fall in love, common sense, rationality, and your normal serious, reserved, and respectable persona dissolve.  Suddenly you are like an adolescent again; there is new fire in your life.  You become revitalized.  Where there is no passion, your soul is either asleep or absent.  When your passion awakens, your soul becomes young and free and dances again." (20)

"The greatest gift new love brings into your life is the awakening to the hidden love within.  This makes you independent.  You are now able to come close to the other, not out of need or with the wearying apparatus of projection, but out of genuine intimacy, affinity, and belonging.  It is a freedom.  Love should make you free." (27) 

"One of the most precious things you should always preserve in a friendship and in love is your own difference...Often in a relationship there can be a subtle homogenizing force, which is destructive.  The irony is that it is usually the difference between people that makes one person attractive to another." (28-9)

"Two people who love each other should never feel called to explain to an outside party why they love each other, or why it is that they belong together...Their souls know why they are together; and they should trust that togetherness." (34)

"...”relationship” has become an empty center around which our lonely hunger forages for warmth and belonging.  Much of the public language of intimacy is hollow, and its incessant repetition only betrays the complete absence of intimacy.  Real intimacy is a sacred experience.  It never exposes its secret trust and belonging to the voyeuristic eye of a neon culture.  Real intimacy is of the soul, and the soul is reserved." (17)

"No one can hurt you as deeply as the one you love.  When you allow the Other inside your life, you leave yourself open...Every friendship travels at sometime through the black valley of despair.  This tests every aspect of your affection...If you can come through this time, it can purify your love, and falsity and need will fall away.  It will bring you onto new ground where affection can grow again." (12)

New York City Musings

Yesterday, I caught the first bus to New York City to pay a visit to the Polish Consulate.  I will explain more on why I was there at a later date.  While I was waiting, I felt slightly overwhelmed by the constant chatter from the line of people that extended onto the sidewalk because I had not a clue as to what they were saying to each other.  I didn’t even have a general idea regarding the topics of conversation, like I sometimes can with Spanish, as I will recognize a handful of words, which help to piece the puzzle together.  Yet, I have learned relatively few words and phrases through my Polish audio lessons, thus far, and, as a result, I was only able to pick out about three or four words, never mind guessing at content.

I feared attempting to make use of my few phrases, as I worried that they might not get the hint that I only fully grasp the English language and would continue trying to speak to me in Polish, or that I would face ridicule for my ignorance.  In hindsight, these were rather irrational fears, but they were fears, nonetheless, which caused me to keep to myself and speak only in my native tongue, when I absolutely had to. 

And that was just an isolated location in a city dominated by English-speakers!  I worry what my response might be to a situation, in which I am the minority, socially isolated by the barrier of language.  I wouldn’t be able to just walk a few blocks in any direction, so that I might be comforted by the sound of familiar words.  Perhaps, this is just another one of my comfort zones that I need to break through, and further learn to cope with the element of uncertainty and the fact that I cannot know everything.

After this, I discovered Bryant Park, which is more like a rectangular area of concrete with some small trees and shrubbery planted in mulched soil, and scattered about the grounds.  Yet, it was still a lovely reprieve from hurriedness and traffic of the nearby streets.  Several box shaped stores were open on the property, selling a variety of products from coffee to pickles to winter clothing accessories.  I weaved among these little shops and the many iron patio sets, and on to the center of the park, which was void of tree cover and featured an ice-skating rink.  There seemed to be a set capacity for the rink and time allotments, as there was a long line of patrons waiting to enter the facility to get suited up.  I found a cozy table in the warm sunlight and read a book for awhile, all bundled in my winter gear, as there was still a chill in the air. 

Later, as I was wandering back to the Port Authority Bus Station, I stumbled upon Times Square with all of its flashy advertisements and television screens.  I meandered along the blue road, designated for pedestrian traffic, amazed at how I never realized for how many blocks Times Square extended.  As I waited at a corner for traffic to go by, I heard the distant sound of some sort of folk music.  I identified the source to be a live band, diagonally across from where I stood.  Their music had a Hispanic/Latin beat, but I could not place it into a specific genre with my limited knowledge of cultural music.  The band’s wind instrumentalist had a case full of wooden pipes, which he swapped in between and during songs for varying effects.

As I wandered, I also thought of what it might be like to live in such a large metropolitan area.  It would be an interesting experience for a time, but I believe that I would generally be unhappy, being so isolated from nature with massive man-made structures looming overhead and enveloped by a sense of loneliness in such inescapable anonymity. 

My thoughts then turned on the bus ride home to how it feels that I have led two vastly different lives, the crossover of which is rather unidentifiable.  In childhood, I was so socially isolated.  I vacationed with my family to big cities, stayed in hotels, and went shopping. I often dined in restaurants on the weekends and indulged in fast food at least once a week.  I regularly attended rock concerts and theater performances.  Yet, now, I prefer the country.  I have a more nature-oriented, holistic approach to life, and try my best to maintain a healthy lifestyle.  I take risks, pushing my comfort zone, yet keep a close eye on where my money goes.  It’s fascinating how drastically my personality, my goals, my values seem to have changed over the years; however, I suppose I am really the same person underneath it all, just coming into my own.

Reuniting with an Old Friend

I set out with my friends and a birding acquaintance of theirs to northeastern Massachusetts, so that we might get a glimpse of the reported rarities and, for us, being from a land-locked part of the state, the equally obscure coastal birds.  We witnessed some beautiful birds, including the west-coast Townsend’s warbler, a lost Cassin’s kingbird, which should be in Mexico right now, an elegant great blue heron, and the strange-looking surf and white-winged scoters.  The hotspot for observing the coastal birds on our trip was the Park River National Wildlife Refuge on Plum Island, for which we bundled up to keep the chill of the frigid sea wind at bay. 

I strolled along the boardwalk, whose construction seemed to match that of the steady rise and fall of the sand dunes over which it was built.  As I neared the end of the boardwalk, I kept pausing to stand on my tip-toes and peer over the last row of sand dunes in anxious anticipation of the sight of the vast, blue ocean.  Finally, I saw it, but only a slight glimpse.  My heart skipped a beat; I felt like a kid in a candy store, exhilarated over what was at last within my grasp.  In between my last few peeps over the dunes, I jogged to the end of the boardwalk, past the birders on the landing, and down the sand-covered stairs.  I could barely contain my excitement with a broad smile stretched from ear to ear, as I stumbled through the shifting sand. 

As I approached the compacted, ocean swept stretch of the beach, I slowed my pace and heartily greeted my long-lost friend.  I stood as close as I dared to the incoming surf, inhaling that brisk, salty air and allowing the power of the wind and waves to reinvigorate my soul.  I fancied the waves instigating a chase, as they crashed into the shore and the bubbling, white foam glided up the beach towards my feet.  Instead of permitting such an attack, I crouched down just out of reach, and extended my arm to gently caress my friend, letting it know that I’m here, that I care, that it’s been missed.

With no end in sight over the horizon, the great, expansive ocean always serves as a reminder to me how insignificant myself and humanity, in general, are, and how mysterious life can be, full of secrets and unknowns.  Yet, there is a beauty in it that extends to humanity and to life itself, which trumps the negative that we might find in them.  It opens our eyes to the endless possibilities and the wonder of uncertainty; it humbles us.  I find the ocean to be inspiring and revitalizing, seeming to change who I am and how I reflect upon this life.  And so, once again, I long to be reunited with that friend, which has so dramatically affected me and changed my frame of mind, my outlook on life.

What Is Friendship?

When I think of friends, I think of my two close friends back in high school.  We were integral parts of each others' lives.  We saw each other every day, talked all the time, spent loads of time together, shared our secrets, struggles, and all of the stupid stuff.  I suppose that's the ideal that I'm trying to attain again, since I lost those friends a long time ago, due to a fight between them and me devoting nearly my entire focus to my serious boyfriend.

Realistically, I know that I will likely never again have friendships like that because life gets in the way more and more as we age.  Life was simpler in high school with only our relatively insignificant teenage problems to deal with.  This is one reason why I savor my internship time so much because it brings me back to the kinds of close friendships that I remember; since, when living and working together constantly, we have little choice, but to be totally involved in each others' lives.

Yet, ultimately, that experience comes to an end and I am brought back to reality, in which I continue to struggle to understand what friendship is.  I know that friends aren't constantly in touch with each other, but will be there when you need them most, different ones in varying situations.  I suppose keeping these instances in mind will help me to determine who really wants to continue to be my friend.  However, I still find it difficult to determine who my friends are and what everyone's levels of comfort are.  I don't care for the idea of sharing really simple things, like a detailed account of my entire day.  I probably wouldn't even want to hear about that, especially nowadays.  I enjoy philosophical discussions, but it's easier for me to write them out because I'm able to take time to think things through and organize them into something that makes sense to me, rather than resembling the jumbled in my head.  I'm aware that not everyone feels this way though, so my emails end up being monologues.

I know that people are only able to contribute what they can, and I understand and accept that.  What frustrates me is the uncertainty, when I don't know what their situations are.  I have some friends, who I rarely hear from, being busy, but I know from past personal discussions and my history with them that they truly do care.  Then, there are other people who will send me a couple of e-mails, when we're only just reconnecting or getting to know each other better for the first time; and then, I'll hear nothing from them for months, not knowing why because I don't know what's going on in their lives.  I usually end up taking it personally, assuming that they don't care or I don't fit into their schedules anymore, especially if it's been several months.  There's no way to know for sure what the deal is, unless they tell me.  Novel concept.

I try to not have such high expectations for people because it's not fair to them; and they shouldn't have to meet my standards, particularly if I don't even meet them all the time.  I'm still working on this.  And I do trust easily, unless there's really something that unsettles me about someone.  I don't like judging people outright.  Generally, it takes me a bit to warm up to new people and I do act a bit differently with different people, based on how we connect, what we connect on, how comfortable I feel with them, how our personalities fit; any number of things.  But the initial trust and openness is still there.  I don't know if it's good or bad, but it's gotten me this far.

Getting Stronger

It was the hardest break-up, and yet, at the same time, the easiest break-up.  It was hard to believe that I was so easy to leave, as I am usually the first to throw in the towel in what seems to be a failing relationship.  Yet, I was blinded to that possibility, and I found myself stuck in the role of the lover struggling to let go and move on.  I believe that is what has made everything about this so difficult, still being totally in love and uncertain of how to deal with the emotional aftermath.  I was still stuck on the fact that this had been a kind of love that I had never experienced before.  We had come so far and overcome so much, and I thought that we would continue on sharing our challenges, thoughts, and goals.  Yet, I took this for granted and didn't share my outlook with him, perhaps because I was still fearful of the degree of commitment that he desired and that I didn't feel I could provide.

On the other hand, for only the second time in my life, I’m happy to be on my own, which has made the separation easier. With my constant string of relationships, it has been uncommon to find myself truly single.  My first significant experience with this when I ended my first long-term relationship was characterized by such traumatic withdrawal that I expected love to always end in this way.  So when the second long-term relationship ended, I expected the worst, but the worst didn’t come, and in its place arrived a sense of relief and freedom.  For a time, I wasn't sure if this feeling was real, perhaps some kind of fluke.

Now, that feeling has become stronger, once I began to come to terms with and accept my loss.  There is no one to consider, no one to consult; all I need to think about is me.  There was a time in my life, not too long ago, when that would have scared me, to be alone with myself and forced to sort out my own life.  But instead, I welcome it.  I want to get on with my life.  I even find that I alone take up an incredible amount of my own time and energy.  So I begin to wonder, how is it I balanced it all before, my individual life and a developing relationship?  Maybe, in the moment, I was able to manage the demands of a relationship, or perhaps, I simply gave less of myself to me.  Now, it’s my time, and I thank my former lover for that gift.

A Quote for Thought

"That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it."
-Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

Scattered Thoughts

After working for a few years at the Northampton Starbucks, I dreaded the thought of moving there within a bustling city in 2008, in which running into my customers was unavoidable, in spite of the convenience of a shorter commute to work and my social life.  But now, on the bus ride this morning, I felt excited to return.  This time, it feels more like home, like a better fit.  Granted, it still has its problems, but the city seems to make greater strides towards progressivism and boasts far more local and independent businesses than my chain store dominated home town of West Springfield.  It certainly has a lot to do with the citizens of Northampton, their mentalities, values, and interests.  There’s also a greater feeling of community, or at least sub-communities that are easily accessible.  Again, much of it may be an illusion, my rosy picture of how I remember the city.  I’m reminded of it during my travels, as I identify communities with a similar feel for me, like Salt Spring Island and Bend, Oregon.

Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to be settled, to have my life organized, and to be an integrated part of a community.  That’s the real allure: community.  Communities have been established during my internships, but seem to be not meant to last.  When permanently settled, one can get involved in all of the organizations and volunteer activities that one desires, making long-term connections, seeing struggles through, and being a part of the successes.  I am fortunate to be continuously welcomed back into the contra community, though I feel that it might be different and even more worthwhile if I had greater involvement.  It seems like it might be easier to live out life in one place, where one’s support, love, comforts, and familiarities all exist.

Sometimes, I consider this, but I soon shake myself from this reverie and remember that this is not what I seek.  Maybe someday, but not right now.  There are still many places to travel, causes to contribute to, adventures to be experienced.  I can’t have two very different lives or aspects of these lives existing at the same time.  It’s just not possible, so I am forced to prioritize and keep my mind set in the direction of my goals.

By being bitter, I am still playing the victim, four months following the break-up, and I have not truly let go.  I feel as if I have been boasting my capability of holding a grudge for this long.  If I’m bitter, how can I truly be happy for him or supportive of what he wants for himself?  If I haven’t let go, then am I expecting something in return, some sort of amends?  If this is true, then how can I really say that I loved him, since I am not acting as such now and living up to my own ideals of what love is.  I am still letting his past actions affect me and control my happiness, for how can I be truly happy with such a burden to bear?  These questions make me reconsider my behavior.  For awhile, it was acceptable, or at least understandable, but there comes a time, when I need to toughen up, move on, and stop feeling sorry for myself.

The Beginning of Current Occupation: Volunteer

When I first started filling out forms that ask for your current occupation, I never thought much about this word, “occupation”, as I quickly scribbled down “student”.  I was a student for about twenty-three years of my life, and following graduation, I hesitated at that “occupation” line.  I was quite reluctant to fill in “barista” as my occupation during the first year after I had earned a Bachelor of Arts degree in Environmental Studies.  I felt occupation to be synonymous to career, something that one aspired and dedicated oneself to in life.  I was far from passionate about making people’s coffee, especially not for the rest of my life.

Yet, as unhappy and frustrated as I was with my “occupation” and the general path of my life, I felt powerless to do anything about it.  Often, I would hear of the travels and adventures of friends and acquaintances, which caused an upwelling of jealousy.  However, it was unfair of me to feel this way towards these individuals, who were making the most of life and really living it.  I wanted to travel.  I wanted to do something different, something meaningful.  I didn’t feel like I could accomplish that by staying around my hometown, my comfort zone, and following along the path of building a successful career, becoming financially stable, settling down, and starting a family.  It just didn’t feel right for me, and was the cause of some shuddering.  It took me, well, a lifetime really, to build up my courage and self-confidence, but one year was the most pivotal for me to take a risk and make a change.

In the spring of 2009, I took a chance and applied for a position doing trail work in Vermont for part of the summer, for which I was accepted.  Around this time, I also booked a one way ticket to Seattle, Washington, with a plan to visit friends and to travel the west coast for the very first time and on my own.  My adventure had begun.

Since then, I have held two internships abroad in the fields of marine biology and wildlife rehabilitation.  I find the work to be extremely rewarding and fulfilling.  I feel that, in some small way, I am making a difference, just as I had longed to do. 

In addition, this time has provided opportunities to reflect upon and learn from my travels and experiences.  Even returning home seems to offer new lessons.  And so, I hope that through my writing, I may also be able to make a difference, to inspire, to teach, or to entertain, at the very least.

Transformation of Friendship

It’s been a long time since I finished a book in a single sitting, a matter of hours.  I believe the last time it happened was at least four years ago when I flew through Burmese Days months before the respective assignment was due for my history course.  The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants was filled with lessons of friendship, of love, of life, of learning about oneself.  It made me laugh and it made me cry.  I got anxious and I got excited.  I became angry and I became reflective.

The reflection is coming on stronger, now that I have finished reading and had a bit of time to digest it all.  What is most painfully noticeable is that I miss my friends.  I always find myself coming back to this, no matter how old I get.  My mind drifts back to the close knit friends, particularly from high school, during a time when we were trying to understand ourselves, make sense of life, and dabbling in love.  We were each others’ worlds, offering comfort, support, courage, fun, unity.  Perhaps, this is just a romanticized notion of how friendship should be, an ideal that I desperately keep grasping for, even though it continues to fade away into a bleak abyss.

In adulthood, friendships like that don’t exist anymore, at least not long-lasting.  Now, it is all about time, place, convenience.  We seem to enter each others’ lives for a short time for some unknown purpose, which will change us, change our lives.  And then, in a flash, just when it seems true, just when it feels real, it’s gone, and I am left with the reality that I really only have me.  It becomes more challenging as life presses on and our worlds expand to maintain friendships, even those that meant the most to us because we can’t be everywhere at once.  There are so many limiting factors and we must take care of ourselves first, so that we may be capable of showing compassion for others.  Yet, too often, I think we take over our own lives.  It becomes difficult to see outside of our immediate surrounding, especially since there is always so much going on. 

           

I am not looking to find fault in anyone.  I am not pointing fingers.  I am just as guilty in this as anyone else, having gradually abandoned the friends, who I now long for or at least the memory of our friendship, in the face of a blossoming romance.  I was responsible for isolating myself, finding myself alone once love had faded.  Now, when I find myself picking out the flaws of others, I try to catch myself and reverse that scrutiny back upon myself, for I know that I am guilty of the same negative behaviors that are so obvious to me.  As I identify these, I try to improve upon them as I am able and willing, yet some may remain with nothing more than a longing, a hope, or a memory.

Leaving Salt Spring Island

It never seemed real that I was actually leaving until this morning.  I had been at the center long enough that it had not necessarily become routine, but a rather fixed part of my life.  It was difficult to imagine having done anything different with my life previously or doing anything else tomorrow into the future.  Even saying goodbye to the staff yesterday seemed unreal.  I found the near tears, well wishes, and praise to be quite humorous because I still felt as if I was not going anywhere and that I would see everyone tomorrow, and as a result, the scene seemed a bit too dramatic.  I did not feel like I was fully able to appreciate everything and everyone as much as I should for the last time.  I felt like it should be something more, with a big step back and time to reflect, as I did when I left Poulacurra after the last seashore survey.

Instead, today, I appreciated the work as I have come to do, after the many times of reminding myself how different it could be; working at a worthless, dead-end job and living in a place that I hate.  It felt like just another day, and so, I spent part of my evening cleaning the kitchen, even after having packed my belongings only a few hours previously.  Even as I sat talking with my friend past midnight, as if we always engaged in conversation in the kitchen at that hour, it was far at the back of my mind that this would probably be the last time.  I did not get to spend much quality time with everyone else, but again, it did not feel like a last night.  I also knew that most would be accompanying me to the ferry in the morning, not to mention that we had time aplenty together to make up for it.

I am extremely thankful that I was able to extend my stay.  My work here did not feel complete at the end of August, not to mention, I was not mentally ready and had no plans.  But also, I had grown to better appreciate the island and the center and I was only beginning to connect with my peers.  I longed for that sense of community, which seemed to be lacking during the first half of my internship.  It did not feel like the right time to leave.  Looking back now, I believe that it was a good decision and that it was not simply an excuse to stay longer in my newly established comfort zone and push off my departure into the unknown.

Leaving did not begin to feel real until I began the round of hugs at the ferry terminal, and then, it finally started to sink in; the likelihood that I will never see these friends again, the knowledge that another family is dispersing, and the realization that I will greatly miss their personal quirks.  As the ferry set sail, my British Columbian adventure started to feel like a distant memory, difficult to determine if it had happened at all.  It seemed too outlandish to be true.

Life's Trails

As I hiked in Ruckle Park yesterday, I could not help but be overly aware of the constant twists and turns in the trail.  Some were rather sudden and unexpected, perhaps more so because my attention had been momentarily distracted by my wandering mind and the development of a false sense of security in a relative consistency of the trail.  This reminded me a lot of life that nothing can really be anticipated.  Unexpected turns of events often occur without notice, jarring us out of our comfort zones, forcing us to react, to think outside of the box.  If we do not do so, we risk falling flat on our face and having to endure an even greater struggle to get ourselves back to the place at which we started.   

Occasionally, there would be something that looked like a trail diverging from the main one, often towards the cliff edges.  I felt myself drawn towards these pseudo trails out of a sense of curiosity and defiance of sticking to what had been laid out before me.  In these moments, Ralph Waldo Emerson's quote came to mind: “Do not go where the path may lead; instead, go where there is no path and leave a trail.”  I felt that it was quite fitting for this hike and as encouragement for the direction of my life.  I also encountered a number of obstacles along my way, including slippery slopes, steep cliff drops alongside, and downed trees.  Similar, to the natural turns in the trail, I had to approach these challenges differently, keep pushing on, and find my way when it was not so clear.   

Although, it is best to make a hike or life one’s own, it is also useful to draw on the experiences of others and follow where they have been to a certain extent, as I did mostly hike on an established trail, so that you can focus more on where you really want to go, focus on those twists and turns.  There is much to learn from the lives and lessons of others, even when it does not seem that it would be possible to learn anything from a particular person or something as small and simple as an ant or a flower.  It is all in the perspective, in which one views these things.  It is too easy to be judgmental and unappreciative of what is right in front of us.

Living a Dream

It came to me that just last year, I was looking down from cliff edges to the ocean below into the little faces of harbor seals, which were peeping out from the water’s surface, staring inquisitively back at me.  I had wondered what it would be like to interact with these creatures, how they live, what their personalities might be like.  At the present moment, while standing beside a bathtub containing a couple of hungry seal pups, I realized that I am doing exactly what I had set out to do.  It was to satisfy a curiosity if nothing else, and perhaps, blown out of proportion as I considered it to be my career destiny, but that is not what is important.  I am living what I am dreaming.  It may not necessarily be logical or rational, but it does not really matter.  Yes, I am searching for my calling in life, a passion that drives me, but in the meantime, I can create amazing experiences for myself.  How many people can say that they had the opportunity to work with wildlife, especially seals?  There are only so many organizations that have licenses to work with or research marine mammals.  This is not just the daily grind, even though it may feel that way, at times, with so much repetition, mounting demands, and stress.