In Transit

Traveling today was far less painless than I had expected it to be.  I had anticipated needing to make flawless transitions among bus, subway, and train, in order to arrive at Rockville Centre at a reasonable time.  Megabus’ stop had changed, since I last traveled from New York in October and was supposed to be farther from Penn Station, where I needed to be.  Fortunately, the bus arrived remarkably early, even with a long layover in Hartford, and I didn’t even have to navigate the subway because Penn Station just happened to be only four blocks away. 

It felt wonderful to be outside in the warm, fresh air, or as fresh as you can get in New York City, after being stuck in the congested bus for hours.  I didn’t even feel particularly anxious as I wandered Penn Station, following the signs for the Long Island Railroad.  However, I did feel a twinge of nervousness, once I had purchased my train ticket with no indication as to where I should go next.  I approached the ticket counter to inquire about where I should board, and was instead directed to the information desk at the end of the row of windows.  Throughout my trip planning with Google Maps, the only trains that ever appeared to be traveling to Rockville Centre were Babylon trains, so I was rather confused when I was directed towards a track with a train bound for a final destination of Massapequa Park, especially with a Babylon train waiting on the adjacent track.  I decided to just trust the information desk guy and boarded the Massapequa train. 

I was struck by how spacious, clean, and cool the train was in comparison to the subway.  Even the lobby of the station had been far stuffier.  But here, there was climate control and people weren’t crammed together, looking miserable.  It seemed as if it would be a pleasant enough ride.  I sat down with two gentlemen in a cluster of four seats with one bag sitting in the adjacent seat, as the overhead rack was far too near the ceiling to fit any bags.  The train’s first stop just so happened to be Rockville Centre, as we were only passing through Jamaica Station. 

I was also very grateful that my dad had insisted on me taking his cell phone with me, so that I was easily able to inform my friend which train I had made it onto and locate her once I arrived, since there were several directions, in which I could start walking.  I haven’t seen her in years, but we’ve kept in touch through e-mail, Facebook chat, and the occasional phone call.  It felt like we just picked up where we left off.  I love that feeling, when there’s no awkwardness, no need to get to know the person all over again, and instead, you just resume. 

She took me out to dinner at a Greek restaurant near the train station that she and her sister frequent quite regularly.  The waitress knows her by name and quite possibly knows what she orders by now as well.  I couldn’t figure a way to eat my lamb gyro to keep it in one piece, so I opted to use the fork and knife.  Hunger had caught up with me finally, as I’ve had little appetite over the past couple of days due to nerves, and I polished off the entire meal.  Even now, hours later, I still feel rather content. 

After dinner, we raced back to the Lakeview Public Library, where my friend works, for the knitting class that she was scheduled to teach.  A handful of women showed up, eager to continue with the past few weeks of lessons.  For most, this was the only time that they had to do anything for themselves, away from family and work.  One woman was ecstatic to have made something with her own hands, even if it was slightly deformed and holy, where she had dropped several stitches.  I didn’t remember how to cast on, so my friend started me off and I spent the evening plugging along with twenty stitches back and forth on the needles.  It was quite relaxing and I make good progress with a more professional looking knit than my first and only piece at home. 

Later, we spent our last couple of hours together chatting over tea, before heading for the airport.

What Kind of a Friend Am I?

Flashback to...10 January 2010

How good of a friend am I?  I wonder about whom my true friends are, who’s there for me during the hard times.  Yet, I’m not always there for my friends either.  There are occasions, when I’m at the right place at the right time or I make a focused effort to be there for support.  But also, when I learn about tragic news on Facebook, I may make a comment and do little else to reach out. 

So perhaps, the nature of my friendships is reflective of my own efforts and capabilities as a friend.  I get what I give.  Hopefully, my goal to stay connected to friends will help me to develop better relationships with them and into the kind of friend that I want to be.  Perhaps, this is also why I end up seeking out or falling into the romantic relationships and intimate scenarios that I do, as I am trying to establish deep, meaningful connections with individuals.

Losing Myself

This marks the beginning of a flashback series to 2010, beginning with my first piece of writing from that year.  I will provide a brief synopsis of the background. 

I had decided in the fall of 2009 that my departure for volunteer work in Ireland in the spring would signify the end of my year and a half long polyamorous relationship.  I felt like I was going in a different direction from my boyfriend and his other girlfriend, that I had grown and learned as much as I could from them and our relationship at this point in my life, and that I could best determine the course of my life on my own. 

During that same fall, I fell in love with contra dancing.  I also met a smooth talking, passionate dancer, who seemed to have swept me off my feet, and helped to lead me astray from my intention to be on my own.  Over the course of a couple of months, we kept in contact, met at dances, and occasionally visited each other, as we lived a state apart.  On the last of these fateful visits, we kissed.  I was losing my direction and my boyfriend felt incredibly betrayed, which ended the relationship ahead of schedule.

And this is where January 2010 picks up...

Flashback to...5 January 2010

I need to rebuild my strength, and I shouldn’t worry about offending him.  I need to look out for my best interests and not let him try to mold and shape me into who he wants me to be.  Someday the future that he painted will be lovely, but not now.  If Friday’s talk doesn’t go well and I feel like he is incapable of respecting me, my wishes, my space, my struggle, then I won’t visit him on Monday. 

I’ve told him too much.  He knows that I’m weak and insecure, which he can use to his advantage.  How can one trust a womanizer with a woman, with her feelings, with her self-respect?  I don’t want to be another notch in his belt, another conquest.  Yet, he can easily use sweet words to cover that up.  I promised my ex to consider my situation and the consequences extra carefully for my sake and the sake of our friendship because he can’t stand to see me put myself through this again.

I still keep over-considering others and allowing them to do the things that make them happy, all the while thinking that it makes me happy too.  Or my stance becomes that it’s not a big deal, or that I can deal with it.  I should be certain of what I want and stand by it, and not allow myself to be persuaded.  I have to try to balance my own interests with being open-minded.  What I have had with him thus far has been way too intimate to be considered friendship.  What I need right now is a real friend, not a fling, not a relationship, not whatever this has been.  If he can’t respect and support me in this, instead of being so focused on his own interests involving me, then I don’t think we can be friends.

Later that day...

So we can’t be friends.  I kind of figured he wouldn’t be willing to compromise what he wants, so that we could be friends.  I told him that I wanted to set stricter boundaries, that I can’t deal with a “friendship” like this right now, and that the groping, caressing, cuddling, kissing is confusing.  I was worried about leading him on, but I was led on too.  He sees where I stand as being unwilling to compromise and wanting to restrict him.  It was easy for him to drop me, so I guess my friendship wasn’t worth that much to him. 

But, I stuck up for myself.  I did what I wanted, what I needed.  I can’t please everyone, and it’s not my responsibility to keep everyone happy.  He deleted my number and severed our Facebook friendship immediately, yet insisted on continuing the conversation via impersonal texting.  This was from the guy, who allegedly prefers to discuss struggles in person, instead of over the phone. 

In addition, he wants to keep me away from contra dancing in Greenfield.  He has claimed this space as his own and doesn’t want to see me there.  I don’t want to give in and let him control what I do.  He contends that by not going to the contra dances, which he is at, I am respecting his boundaries.  That’s just ludicrous.  He’s spiteful because I won’t allow him to do whatever he wants.  I can certainly respect his boundaries, but he is obviously unable to respect mine.  Even after all that talk about not abandoning me, he did anyways; unwilling to try, work harder, compromise.  He would only stick with me as long as it was convenient and advantageous for him. 

I’m fortunate to have gotten out of whatever this was now, before I really lost myself. 

Procrastination and Other Thoughts

I have been procrastinating with journaling.  Lots of little things happen on a day to day basis, eventually accumulating to a number that is overwhelming to consider tackling with the written word, especially as they have already begun to escape, as my memory is no steel trap.  That is my excuse, and limited time, I suppose.  When I am done with work, I do not feel like doing much of anything, even the things that I generally would like to do for myself.  I have to push myself out for hikes on my day off, otherwise, it might not happen, or any other physical activity for that matter.

On my hike yesterday, I got a wake up call to take it easy on myself and pay closer attention to all of my surroundings, as I stepped up and hit my head straight into a tree that was growing bent over the trail.  I sat down to recover and was sore for a bit, before continuing on up the hill, as I did not want that to be an excuse to end my time out.  Worse things could happen as deterrents, but as long as I learned my lesson, I would likely be fine.  I managed to avoid further bumps in this particular "road". 

Someone was looking at the wildlife center's pictures the intern computer, and the one that was still up on the screen was of a seal pup, when he first arrived in June. What a change!  It is hard to believe that only about two months ago, he was a fluffy white thing, far less than twenty pounds.  He is now nearly fully grown and fat and eating whole fish on his own in a big pool with other seals on the fast track to release.  They all seemed so fragile and helpless when they arrived in June and early July, as many of them were premature and abandoned by their mothers.  Developmental time is so short in much of the animal kingdom.  The birds are even more impressive, as they spend about a week shedding their downy, baby feathers, before they are on solid food, eating on their own, and then off to a woods’ enclosure until they are deemed ready for release.  The process takes no more than a month, it seems. 

Since interns have started to leave, it has become more essential for the rest of us to be trained on the remaining aspects of the seal department, such as caring for those at the outdoor pools.  It is quite different and far more thrilling to see them in their element, healthy and thriving.  Many of them are hand feeding in the water, eagerly following the fish that their feeder wriggles about, imitating live prey.  Once they figure out how to swallow for tube feeding of mashed fish, it does not take long for them to progress along the various stages of feeding development. 

The Flame Extinguished

If you love someone, then let them go, right?  But why would they want to leave if it’s true love?  I start questioning myself:  What did I do wrong?  Did I not cherish him?  Did I smother him?  Why am I so easy to cast aside?  I suppose, it was inevitable with the distance, his interest in seriously dating other women, the unknown time apart.  I gave him the freedom to leave, so why not take advantage of it to be with a woman who wouldn’t allow him that same freedom?

I feel like we’ve been out of touch with only the occasional Skype calls and Facebook chats.  How can that limited time cover everything that we’ve been going through and allow us to develop deeper discussions?  I feel resentful, but I don’t want to be.  It’s what I wanted him to do; live without regrets.  I should be supportive.  But it still hurts; it’s still going to be painful, as it is still a break-up. 

This was OUR worst fear, that we would fall in love with other people, that we would lose what we had.  We had so much!  We had something solid, founded in love, understanding, support, challenge.  Why wasn’t it worth the wait this time?  I’ve been missing him so much, and now he’s not even there.  I can’t go back.  He can only be a figment of my dreams.  This all seems so surreal.  It was unexpected, at least in the moment.  I was hoping it would never be true, that he would never leave, and I think that I actually believed that for a time because I knew how he felt.  Or so I thought.  I can’t really know what he's thinking, what he's feeling.  What DO I know? 

Perhaps, I needed to lose that light in my life, so that I can make my own.  Everything happens for a reason, right?  I do still need to work on myself and my goals.  And I couldn’t have done much else in the relationship; it’s a two way street.  I have no idea what’s going through his mind and I don't feel like I can trust his words, which are merely used to attempt to cushion the pain and make it easier for him to leave.  I don’t feel terribly special or important, even though he says he still cares.  I feel second rate, like an old rag doll (Raggedy Ann) cast aside, as her newness and charm has faded.  What use is she anymore, especially in a society of upgrades and commercialism? 

It is what it is.  Just let it be.  If I push and harass, it will only drive him farther away and I will be contradicting myself and my principles in love.  Let him be for awhile.