Turning Over a New Leaf

Flashback to...14 February 2010

The day of my first date with my last love...

I was quite nervous, as my last real date had been about two years prior and was an ultimate disaster.  Not to mention that the men in my life following that incident, I just fell into relationships with, as usual.

After having turned over a new leaf and become more like the person who I wanted to be, I was determined to not rush into anything again.  I wanted to do things right this time, make the right choices.   

And so, I developed a mantra for that afternoon, repeating it constantly aloud before leaving my apartment and throughout the entire walk to the coffee shop, as I feared I might otherwise lose my nerve...

Enjoy the process of getting to know someone.

Practice patience.

Better to get an idea of how things may work out with a guy before getting involved.

Good things come to those who wait.

Be true to myself.  I want to be strong.  I want to not be ruled by my weaknesses.

What seems good at the time isn’t always the right thing to do.

I’ve made so much progress, I don’t want to put myself back at the beginning.

I need to be my own protector.  Set limits, verbalize and enforce them because my comfort is
     most important.

I can’t please everyone.  I should start with myself.

Be strong.  Be assertive.  Know what I want, who I am, and communicate that.

If he doesn’t like the situation, then we just weren’t meant to be.  I can be selective and choose
     who complements me and fits my needs best.

Getting Stronger

It was the hardest break-up, and yet, at the same time, the easiest break-up.  It was hard to believe that I was so easy to leave, as I am usually the first to throw in the towel in what seems to be a failing relationship.  Yet, I was blinded to that possibility, and I found myself stuck in the role of the lover struggling to let go and move on.  I believe that is what has made everything about this so difficult, still being totally in love and uncertain of how to deal with the emotional aftermath.  I was still stuck on the fact that this had been a kind of love that I had never experienced before.  We had come so far and overcome so much, and I thought that we would continue on sharing our challenges, thoughts, and goals.  Yet, I took this for granted and didn't share my outlook with him, perhaps because I was still fearful of the degree of commitment that he desired and that I didn't feel I could provide.

On the other hand, for only the second time in my life, I’m happy to be on my own, which has made the separation easier. With my constant string of relationships, it has been uncommon to find myself truly single.  My first significant experience with this when I ended my first long-term relationship was characterized by such traumatic withdrawal that I expected love to always end in this way.  So when the second long-term relationship ended, I expected the worst, but the worst didn’t come, and in its place arrived a sense of relief and freedom.  For a time, I wasn't sure if this feeling was real, perhaps some kind of fluke.

Now, that feeling has become stronger, once I began to come to terms with and accept my loss.  There is no one to consider, no one to consult; all I need to think about is me.  There was a time in my life, not too long ago, when that would have scared me, to be alone with myself and forced to sort out my own life.  But instead, I welcome it.  I want to get on with my life.  I even find that I alone take up an incredible amount of my own time and energy.  So I begin to wonder, how is it I balanced it all before, my individual life and a developing relationship?  Maybe, in the moment, I was able to manage the demands of a relationship, or perhaps, I simply gave less of myself to me.  Now, it’s my time, and I thank my former lover for that gift.