M.I.A.

So, I’ve been M.I.A. for several days now, but I assure you that I haven’t purposely been avoiding blogging.

Upon returning home on Sunday night, all I could think of was getting upstairs to bed.  However, sleep evaded me, as I struggled through the night with a persistent fever and chills.  I awoke early the next morning, as my illness had come on too quickly for me to find coverage for my opening shift, feeling unrested, still feverish, and an intense pain pushing from behind my eyes and up into my head.  I took a couple of ibuprofen and laboriously chewed on an orange with my head barely raised from the table top. 

Somehow, I made it to work in this condition unscathed, and it reminded me of my drive to work in Northampton under similar circumstances several years ago.  Now, I survived over three hours shuffling about, struggling to be at the top of my game, wherever that top was.  Fortunately, a co-worker arrived early, relieving me from the remainder of my shift.  After that, I spent the next two days practically bedridden, with the exception of the visit to the doctor for my flu diagnosis, to which my dad graciously drove me.

I do recognize that I was fortunate enough to fall ill now at home, rather than when I am out of state next week, yet the timing was still less than ideal.  I felt unable to do anything, not even to think or move; never mind, organize myself for my travels.  I couldn’t even feel sorry for my miserable condition, as my primary desire was to just curl up and die.

On the first day, I had no appetite and on the second day, I was so hungry, but everything that I tried to eat tasted repulsive.  This frustrated me to no end, as I am quite fond of food.

On Wednesday, my senses and taste buds returned, signaling the final stretch of my illness and the light of recuperation.  With this new found vigor, I set myself on a cleaning spree, washing every bit of bedding and clothing that I had used and disinfecting any surface in the house that I may have touched.  I didn’t want anyone else to endure the same awful experience as I did.

I probably overdid it, still not being quite up to par and feeling rather loopy, as I rebuild my strength and fight off lingering flu symptoms.

Yet, I will try my best to keep up on my posts while I continue to recover!

Pushing the Pain Aside

I need to get away from home.  There are too many reminders, too many memories.  I find myself being drawn back into the hurt, the longing, and the hope, which really doesn’t exist.  I have my good days and my bad days, but I’m often finding myself overwhelmed by my emotions, causing me to retreat inside of myself, once again, in the hope that isolation and wallowing in self-pity will yield healing.  But it doesn’t. 

I can’t talk to him about this because it’s not fair to him.  It’s not his problem.  We’re not in a relationship anymore and this is my own burden to bear, my own emotional hurdle to overcome.  It’s not fair to bring him down with me, when all he did was what was right for himself.  I also can’t blame him for our past relationship problems because I should have addressed them in the moment when they were relevant.  There is nothing to learn from reopening old wounds, especially if he has forgotten them or never even affected by them.  It would only cause further pain, renewed resentment, and hostility. 

Yet, how can I cast my feelings aside when I interact with him?  I feel like I’m lying, pretending that all is well, as if I have completely let go.  I don’t feel like I gave the impression of that in my e-mail, in which I sought to reestablish our friendship, as I concluded with my uncertainty of being strong enough to handle this, and figured that I needed to start somewhere.  Perhaps, that’s what it is to be a friend, to put all of your own issues aside, so that you can be present, and offer your undivided attention and full support to your friend.  I make a point to have limited communication with him for these reasons, and hopefully, he knows that he can contact me if he’s in need.  I also hope that, if that time comes, I will be able to set my feelings aside and just be his friend.

The Flame Extinguished

If you love someone, then let them go, right?  But why would they want to leave if it’s true love?  I start questioning myself:  What did I do wrong?  Did I not cherish him?  Did I smother him?  Why am I so easy to cast aside?  I suppose, it was inevitable with the distance, his interest in seriously dating other women, the unknown time apart.  I gave him the freedom to leave, so why not take advantage of it to be with a woman who wouldn’t allow him that same freedom?

I feel like we’ve been out of touch with only the occasional Skype calls and Facebook chats.  How can that limited time cover everything that we’ve been going through and allow us to develop deeper discussions?  I feel resentful, but I don’t want to be.  It’s what I wanted him to do; live without regrets.  I should be supportive.  But it still hurts; it’s still going to be painful, as it is still a break-up. 

This was OUR worst fear, that we would fall in love with other people, that we would lose what we had.  We had so much!  We had something solid, founded in love, understanding, support, challenge.  Why wasn’t it worth the wait this time?  I’ve been missing him so much, and now he’s not even there.  I can’t go back.  He can only be a figment of my dreams.  This all seems so surreal.  It was unexpected, at least in the moment.  I was hoping it would never be true, that he would never leave, and I think that I actually believed that for a time because I knew how he felt.  Or so I thought.  I can’t really know what he's thinking, what he's feeling.  What DO I know? 

Perhaps, I needed to lose that light in my life, so that I can make my own.  Everything happens for a reason, right?  I do still need to work on myself and my goals.  And I couldn’t have done much else in the relationship; it’s a two way street.  I have no idea what’s going through his mind and I don't feel like I can trust his words, which are merely used to attempt to cushion the pain and make it easier for him to leave.  I don’t feel terribly special or important, even though he says he still cares.  I feel second rate, like an old rag doll (Raggedy Ann) cast aside, as her newness and charm has faded.  What use is she anymore, especially in a society of upgrades and commercialism? 

It is what it is.  Just let it be.  If I push and harass, it will only drive him farther away and I will be contradicting myself and my principles in love.  Let him be for awhile.