The Dream Slipping Out of Reach?

Apparently, my internship hopping can also negatively affect my chances at securing further internships and later career-oriented employment.  I worry about this same issue when I’m back at home looking for work; if an employer won’t hire me because it doesn’t look like I can hold a job, as I haven’t stuck with a job for almost three years. 

Since I still live in a society, in which there are certain standards to meet and timelines to follow, by still working at internships after four years out of college, I’m hurting my chances at getting a real job more than helping because employers may have a fear that I can’t commit.  Although, I worry that I will get sucked into a job and never leave, even if I no longer or never have loved the work, sporting a ball and chain around my leg, a symbol of my comfort zone. 

And when did questions become unwarranted?  Perhaps, it depends upon the type of questions, the field of work, and the employer’s personality and methods, among other things.  I’ve often been praised for asking many insightful questions, in order to ensure that I’m doing the work properly, and to avoid any seriously detrimental mistakes.  However, too many questions can slow down the work pace and, apparently, is a sign of weakness, a lack of confidence in my ability to problem solve and think for myself.  I’ll concede some there.  I do need to take more risks and just try, believe in myself. There certainly is a huge benefit to working through questions and obstacles on one’s own, as one can learn that much more from the experience. 

I need to start developing solid skill sets, upon which I can build and take with me to other jobs.  I suppose a year or two of my life isn’t much in the grand scheme of things.  Not to mention, career switching is the norm now.  I don’t have to be stuck.  It’s all a matter of altering my perception, and reigning in my fear.  And, although it doesn’t always show, I have far more self-confidence than I once did.  Yet, I still find myself living in the past, where I was four years ago, with the fear of being bound to a decision forever; a fear which has cost me my last love and now, potentially, my life goals and dreams.

Any thoughts?

Delusions

I seem to have delusions as to how quick of a learner I am.  I tend to believe that I should immediately be proficient at a task, as I also have little patience for my own learning curve.  I’ve noticed a trend that upon entering internships, I begin to stress out very quickly and become incredibly critical of myself if I cannot comprehend or perform every aspect of the position and project in which I am involved.  I often compare myself to others, neglecting to consider that their more extensive training and educational backgrounds provide them with an advantage. 

I feel like I should know more than I do and I start to question what exactly I am proficient in that I can contribute.  I’ve dabbled little in several fields, but not enough to really develop functional skill sets, especially with no practice or reinforcement in between internships.  This is another reason why I am ready to find a focus so that I can consistently build my competencies, apply them, and work towards a more concrete, long-term goal.  Currently, I am aimlessly wandering; hoping that the internships I try based on the leads that I have identified will guide me to my passion.

It’s been frustrating coming into this internship at the end of the season, as I feel quite lost during project related discussions, as though I have missed important pieces of information during the development of the project.  There’s been a lot to try to wrap my head around and I struggle to learn the concepts and skills being taught to the students, who arrive for the field intensive course each week. 

I need to take it easy on myself.  I shouldn’t panic, berate myself, or try to escape.  I need to just do and throw caution to the wind, in a sense.  Stop worrying about what I will do wrong, and instead, focus on just learning the task at hand and enjoy it.  I can’t master any of this in a month.  It’s just not possible.  I need to do the best that I can with the most positivity that I can muster.

The Future of Relationships

When we were young, the idea of a relationship was something new and exciting that had more to do with attraction than anything else.  Oftentimes, we were seeking a person who we were physically drawn to without paying much mind to personality, values, goals.  Relationships were simpler then, even though they never seemed to at the time, drama frequently ensued with school age romances.

More recently, I’ve noticed that I am able to step back and analyze my thoughts and feelings in this department, and I am more often considering my long-term interests.  Perhaps, this is because I have become increasingly focused on my individual future, trying to plan ahead, and figuring where I would like to be on my career path in a few years time.  This, in itself, has proved to be quite challenging, but it gets me into this mindset of long-term planning, wants, and needs.  Maybe, simply aging contributes to this frame of mind, as chemical balances shift, kicking in the animals instinct to find a stable, suitable mate, with whom to copulate and raise young in the most primal sense. 

However, I would like to believe that this instinct isn’t solely what drives me, especially since kids aren’t even in any long-term plan of mine.  It does make sense, though, that at a certain age, we get the inkling to settle and begin to only date individuals who might fit in with our plans, into our lives, balance our personalities, and share our beliefs and values.  Others become not worth the time if one knows that it will not work in the future, if something about those individuals or their plans don’t jive.