Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

I am tired of goodbyes, by which I condemn myself to an isolated existence; as I leave family and friends scattered across the globe in the wake of my departures and their own.  I know that their loving energy reaches out in an effort to close the distance between us, as if to embrace and assure me that I am not truly alone.  No longer do I have a sense as to where home lies; for if home is where the heart is, I have carelessly left it in a myriad of places with unlikely caretakers, so that it is simply muddled in confusion over this matter, which has been years in the making.  Or perhaps, in giving it away piece by piece and hiding bits away in such obscure nooks, which I now cannot specifically recall or access, I wonder if anything remains to excavate from within this fleshy shell; while I simultaneously ponder if ever ‘goodbye’ will hold any other meaning than ‘so long forever...’

Devon Food Tour

Tuesday began my Devon food tour, which commenced with a welcomed hot breakfast at Bill’s in Exeter.  I decided to give a new dish a go, ordering the bubble and squeak.  It consists of partially mashed potatoes, mixed with a variety of other ingredients, traditionally leftovers, as my friend informed me.  The waitress was quick to interject that I would not simply be eating leftovers, and later, returned with a dish, in which the bubble and squeak was blanketed by ham, over-easy eggs, a creamy hollandaise sauce, and topped with a sprig of parsley.

That evening, we went for traditional fish and chips in the seaport of Brixham.  At Nick’s Fish Bar, we not only had a full view of the harbor, but also, were quickly filled by small orders of golden, crispy, flavorful fried cod and chips.

Wednesday’s lunchtime was spent at Fuller’s Pasties in Brixham, which specializes in pasties.  To me, a pasty resembles a calzone at first glance, but its shell is far more similar to that of homemade pie crust or a southern style American biscuit, crispy and flaky.  It can be filled with any variety of ingredients, typically savory.  The pork and apple pasty that I chose reminded me of eating a hand-held Shepard’s pie.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around the terminology used for Thursday’s first delight, cream tea.  It has nothing to do with a difference in the tea, as I had initially thought.  It simply refers to the pairing of tea with a scone, topped with jam and clotted cream, which is a thick, cream spread.  However, in proper Devon tradition, the clotted cream must be spread upon the scone before the jam, as the reverse is customary of its neighboring county, Cornwall.

I sampled various other sweets during our travels and experienced a tea intake so high that would be reminiscent of my time in Ireland.

And I'm Off!

A very quick post today, as I prepare to head off on my next adventure. Following visits to friends in the United Kingdom, I'll be traveling to Poland, specifically Biebrza National Park. I will be volunteering for an organization to collect field data on the threatened Aquatic Warbler, so that their breeding biology and reproductive success may be determined. The data may provide some clues for how to best manage their habitat, so that the population will grow. I will be living remotely within the park with no internet access, except from the field office several miles away, so my blog posts will likely become infrequent. I will try to do the best I can!

The Thrill of New Love

Flashback to...February 2010

New love can be an intense and thrilling experience that continually draws one back, eager to delve deeper into this discovery; trying to uncover what it is about his touch, the twinkle in his eyes, his presence that drives me crazy.  I feel the urge to return to those moments, as often as I can, to explore this emotional connection, so that I might attach some conclusions to this abstraction.  But also, those memories make me feel so good.  I don’t want to let that feeling of satisfaction get away, not even for a day, and I look ahead in eager anticipation to the next time I get to experience it. 

Yet, it’s important not to get lost in the emotion and excitement because it will not necessarily better acquaint me with him. I need to ask questions, engage him, and simply enjoy the process of
                                                               getting to know who he is. 

It is also easy to become so immersed in another person that I forget about myself.  I must remember that spending time with myself is just as important as time with him, as well as with my friends.  I don’t want to lose touch with myself.  I need to balance my desire and need to learn, explore, and discover within friends, my lover, and myself because all are important presences my life. 

I need to continue establishing and enforcing boundaries.  Just because one thing changes, shouldn’t mean that the floodgates let loose to overwhelm all that we’ve worked toward.  Make small adjustments as the situation calls for them.  One thing doesn’t always have to lead to another.  There is no set path or guidelines.  We can make our connection what we want it to be, the way we want it to be, without forgetting or dismissing our original goals and intentions, even as it becomes more challenging and easier to lose oneself in another, in a connection.

Filling the Void

Flashback to...11 February 2010

I was not able to appreciate my friendships quite as much, when I have been single in the past, as if only a lover could fill this imagined void within myself.  But, there really is no void...

Live Life to the Fullest

Flashback to...3 February 2010

And still incredibly relevant today... 

It seems almost silly to be making new connections when I will likely be leaving in a matter of months.  Why put in the effort?   

I suppose it’s not about length of time, but about quality of time that I spend with people.  Lessons may be learned even in the shortest amount of time.  Why cower away from the risk of putting myself out there and deny myself such an opportunity to learn, to laugh, and to live? 

Single Status

Flashback to...1 February 2010

Romantic songs and such don’t depress me like they used to, when I have been single in the past.  It’s been nearly a month since my ex and I broke up, and that’s about when I would start getting desperate for another guy, another relationship.  But now, I’m enjoying the time that I have to myself.  I also do have my fixes at contra dances with bountiful opportunities to flirt without romantic involvement.  Perhaps, this helps me to be more accepting of my single status. 

However, a month is certainly not a long enough time to deal with my dependency issues.  Eventually, I will apply what I’m learning to a relationship.  If a guy is truly interested in me and respects me, then he will be happy to spend time with me as a friend and won’t push me.  Let that friendship develop first.  I don’t want to fall into something and learn about it as I go along.  I want to ask questions first, so I can decide if a relationship is the best option for me.  Be selective.  Get to know what I want and see how it compares to what he wants and who he is.

Celtic Wisdom

Recently, I finished reading Anam Ċara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom by John O’Donohue.  I loved that book.  The author had some wonderful insights, and he managed to relate ancient knowledge to considering and remedying the worries and cares of the modern world, the present-day individual.  I will share a few quotes on love and the "soul friend" that really resonated with me...

"There is a lovely idea in the Celtic tradition that if you send out goodness from yourself, or if you share that which is happy or good within you, it will all come back to you multiplied ten thousand times.  In the kingdom of love there is no competition; there is no possessiveness or control.  The more love you give away, the more love you will have." (35-6)

"You can never love another person unless you are equally involved in the beautiful but difficult spiritual work of learning to love yourself." (26)

"When you fall in love, common sense, rationality, and your normal serious, reserved, and respectable persona dissolve.  Suddenly you are like an adolescent again; there is new fire in your life.  You become revitalized.  Where there is no passion, your soul is either asleep or absent.  When your passion awakens, your soul becomes young and free and dances again." (20)

"The greatest gift new love brings into your life is the awakening to the hidden love within.  This makes you independent.  You are now able to come close to the other, not out of need or with the wearying apparatus of projection, but out of genuine intimacy, affinity, and belonging.  It is a freedom.  Love should make you free." (27) 

"One of the most precious things you should always preserve in a friendship and in love is your own difference...Often in a relationship there can be a subtle homogenizing force, which is destructive.  The irony is that it is usually the difference between people that makes one person attractive to another." (28-9)

"Two people who love each other should never feel called to explain to an outside party why they love each other, or why it is that they belong together...Their souls know why they are together; and they should trust that togetherness." (34)

"...”relationship” has become an empty center around which our lonely hunger forages for warmth and belonging.  Much of the public language of intimacy is hollow, and its incessant repetition only betrays the complete absence of intimacy.  Real intimacy is a sacred experience.  It never exposes its secret trust and belonging to the voyeuristic eye of a neon culture.  Real intimacy is of the soul, and the soul is reserved." (17)

"No one can hurt you as deeply as the one you love.  When you allow the Other inside your life, you leave yourself open...Every friendship travels at sometime through the black valley of despair.  This tests every aspect of your affection...If you can come through this time, it can purify your love, and falsity and need will fall away.  It will bring you onto new ground where affection can grow again." (12)

What Kind of a Friend Am I?

Flashback to...10 January 2010

How good of a friend am I?  I wonder about whom my true friends are, who’s there for me during the hard times.  Yet, I’m not always there for my friends either.  There are occasions, when I’m at the right place at the right time or I make a focused effort to be there for support.  But also, when I learn about tragic news on Facebook, I may make a comment and do little else to reach out. 

So perhaps, the nature of my friendships is reflective of my own efforts and capabilities as a friend.  I get what I give.  Hopefully, my goal to stay connected to friends will help me to develop better relationships with them and into the kind of friend that I want to be.  Perhaps, this is also why I end up seeking out or falling into the romantic relationships and intimate scenarios that I do, as I am trying to establish deep, meaningful connections with individuals.

To Friend or Not To Friend

Flashback to...10 January 2010

I’ve decided to drop this friend, not that he’ll even realize it or care.  I do recognize that my own lack of control, clinginess, and emotional confusion played a significant role in the romantic situations and the awkward ones afterwards that we encountered, as well as the development, or lack thereof, of our friendship.  Yet, I also feel that a true friend would not take advantage of a situation, in which I am vulnerable and baring the contents of my heart and soul. 

Both of us could have made our intentions clearer in the beginning, although, I think he understood what I meant and used it to his own advantage in the moment.  Granted, he never lied about anything or buttered me up, so that I would be willing to do anything he wanted, as the contra dancer (from a few posting ago) was likely doing.  But, it’s still not right.  And how could I ever trust him with anything else, especially since I want to have deep, meaningful connections with my friends?  I would have to pick and choose what to share with him, not knowing what information he might use for his own benefit.  This is so sad. 

Typically, my instinct is to trust people, with whom I seem to connect or have friendly interactions, but those cannot be indicators for how honest, trustworthy, compassionate, or respectful they are, especially since everyone is looking out for their own self-interest.  It’s too easy to break someone’s trust when you’re so focused on what you want.  That sounds very familiar... 

I don’t want to be like that.  I want people to trust me, and I will work towards that.  As far as trusting others goes, I should still give them the benefit of the doubt, but I think I need to set up some boundaries to protect myself that will gradually come down as true friendship and trust develops.  I’m not sure how to measure that, though, or how to read people.  I suppose, as long as I know what I’m looking for in a friendship, and can identify my limitations and recognize red flag behaviors in myself and others, based on my past failed experiences, then I should be successful.  I need to know what I want and stick to it.  I must look out for my own self-interest because no one else is going to.

Reconnecting

Flashback to...6 January 2010

It felt so good to reconnect with my friend.  To have girl time; talk, laugh, share.  It’s easy to open up to her.  She’s very accepting and willing to open up to me as well.  I’ve been missing my friends.  I realize that they can’t always be there for me, but I’m certainly learning who I can count on when it hits the fan.  She has offered me a place to stay if I ever need it and to go visit her friends in Wisconsin this summer.  We’ll see where I’m at.  What a wonderful way to start the day!  She’s working on herself too.  She knows how to be independent.  She wants to heal herself.  She can face challenges head on, accept whatever happens, and look at struggles as opportunities.

Losing Myself

This marks the beginning of a flashback series to 2010, beginning with my first piece of writing from that year.  I will provide a brief synopsis of the background. 

I had decided in the fall of 2009 that my departure for volunteer work in Ireland in the spring would signify the end of my year and a half long polyamorous relationship.  I felt like I was going in a different direction from my boyfriend and his other girlfriend, that I had grown and learned as much as I could from them and our relationship at this point in my life, and that I could best determine the course of my life on my own. 

During that same fall, I fell in love with contra dancing.  I also met a smooth talking, passionate dancer, who seemed to have swept me off my feet, and helped to lead me astray from my intention to be on my own.  Over the course of a couple of months, we kept in contact, met at dances, and occasionally visited each other, as we lived a state apart.  On the last of these fateful visits, we kissed.  I was losing my direction and my boyfriend felt incredibly betrayed, which ended the relationship ahead of schedule.

And this is where January 2010 picks up...

Flashback to...5 January 2010

I need to rebuild my strength, and I shouldn’t worry about offending him.  I need to look out for my best interests and not let him try to mold and shape me into who he wants me to be.  Someday the future that he painted will be lovely, but not now.  If Friday’s talk doesn’t go well and I feel like he is incapable of respecting me, my wishes, my space, my struggle, then I won’t visit him on Monday. 

I’ve told him too much.  He knows that I’m weak and insecure, which he can use to his advantage.  How can one trust a womanizer with a woman, with her feelings, with her self-respect?  I don’t want to be another notch in his belt, another conquest.  Yet, he can easily use sweet words to cover that up.  I promised my ex to consider my situation and the consequences extra carefully for my sake and the sake of our friendship because he can’t stand to see me put myself through this again.

I still keep over-considering others and allowing them to do the things that make them happy, all the while thinking that it makes me happy too.  Or my stance becomes that it’s not a big deal, or that I can deal with it.  I should be certain of what I want and stand by it, and not allow myself to be persuaded.  I have to try to balance my own interests with being open-minded.  What I have had with him thus far has been way too intimate to be considered friendship.  What I need right now is a real friend, not a fling, not a relationship, not whatever this has been.  If he can’t respect and support me in this, instead of being so focused on his own interests involving me, then I don’t think we can be friends.

Later that day...

So we can’t be friends.  I kind of figured he wouldn’t be willing to compromise what he wants, so that we could be friends.  I told him that I wanted to set stricter boundaries, that I can’t deal with a “friendship” like this right now, and that the groping, caressing, cuddling, kissing is confusing.  I was worried about leading him on, but I was led on too.  He sees where I stand as being unwilling to compromise and wanting to restrict him.  It was easy for him to drop me, so I guess my friendship wasn’t worth that much to him. 

But, I stuck up for myself.  I did what I wanted, what I needed.  I can’t please everyone, and it’s not my responsibility to keep everyone happy.  He deleted my number and severed our Facebook friendship immediately, yet insisted on continuing the conversation via impersonal texting.  This was from the guy, who allegedly prefers to discuss struggles in person, instead of over the phone. 

In addition, he wants to keep me away from contra dancing in Greenfield.  He has claimed this space as his own and doesn’t want to see me there.  I don’t want to give in and let him control what I do.  He contends that by not going to the contra dances, which he is at, I am respecting his boundaries.  That’s just ludicrous.  He’s spiteful because I won’t allow him to do whatever he wants.  I can certainly respect his boundaries, but he is obviously unable to respect mine.  Even after all that talk about not abandoning me, he did anyways; unwilling to try, work harder, compromise.  He would only stick with me as long as it was convenient and advantageous for him. 

I’m fortunate to have gotten out of whatever this was now, before I really lost myself. 

Backtracking

I used to just go for it when guys made flirtatious advances, like when I was at a music festival in Ireland.  The guy I had just danced with asked for a peck on the cheek, but instead, turned his head for a full blown kiss on the lips, which I permitted, and reveled in the attention.

But last night at the contra dance, when a friend sneaked a kiss, I did not reciprocate.  I hadn’t even been prepared to dodge it, as I had become accustomed to doing whenever he attended dances.  And I was upset that the boundary of flirtation had been crossed, which I had laid out and started to explain the rationale of via online chat with him.  Did he not respect me and my wishes, just as another former “friend” had demonstrated with similar, albeit recurrent behaviors, two years ago? 

Once we were out of the contra line, I explained to him my reasons in greater detail, which was that after having my heart obliterated in my last relationship, I am not ready to trust anyone with it, no matter how serious or not the pursuit is, for I also can’t trust myself, since I over-analyze simple gestures and fall into romance too quickly.  He understood and apologized, which I appreciated and thanked him for.  Also, I realized after the fact that I had actually said “thank you,” instead of “it’s okay,” like I usually do, which always seems like I’m just dismissing something as insignificant, to which I really did take offense. 

As we sat out a square dance, I divulged further the conditions of my past relationship, break-up, and “friendship,” why I became so angry with my ex recently and lashed out.  I felt miserable after reopening those old wounds.  I sat there thinking more on the subject, as my friend went off to dance and I munched on a cookie, which he had provided as a peace offering.  I thought back to that first waltz with my ex and how, in that instant, something just clicked.  It felt right to be in his arms, and I know that he had felt it too.  I thought about how I hadn’t loved anyone before in the way that I had love him.  It was a new feeling that was completely unnerving, but wonderful at the same time. 

Yet, as I explained to my friend, as well as in a couple of posts ago, my ex has some growing up, soul-searching, and self-exploration to do.  It’s even more upsetting that after all of this time, and all of the pain that he has caused, he still has a hold on me.

Furthermore, this new, unexpected approach to dealing with such flirtation/romance matters could either aid me in identifying and ignoring lustful whims, in favor of real and budding love, or it could cause me to become emotionally withdrawn, cold, and unfeeling.  I am uncertain as to which path I am currently on.

Starting Over

Yesterday, I met with my estranged aunt, who recently expressed interest in becoming involved in my and my family’s lives again.  I haven’t asked much about the past, and why it has shaped the relationships and sentiments into what they are today, but, regardless, I had decided to make a change and try reaching out.  I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, as I thought that, perhaps, she had come to a realization that she had pushed people away and, now, desired to reconcile.  I can’t know her intentions for certain, as this is just what made sense to me and it was something that I was able to identify with, having largely isolated my friends, the more deeply involved I became in a serious relationship a few years ago.  Perhaps, I’m just seeing what I want to see, believing what I want to believe. 

So, after much planning and rescheduling, we finally sat down for a chat at a local library.  Generally, libraries are very quiet places, but there was a room near the primary entrance that was mostly sectioned off from the main lobby and its offshoots, with the exception of an open entry way that was about three times as wide as the average door.  This design gave the impression that we were sitting in the library of someone’s home, complete with chairs, end tables, and a loveseat arranged in the center of the room, and we were able to freely converse without disturbing anyone.

I had decided that this would be the “getting to know each other” conversation to break the ice, and save the tougher questions regarding her past estrangement and current intentions for the next time.  I learned about the family pets of the past and the present, the happy and humorous moments, as well as the tragedies.  I tried to navigate away from the latter as best I could, and so, we also shared our travel experiences.  She told me of the Caribbean cruises that she went on with her husband and her trip to Germany, when she was eighteen, with one cousin to visit another cousin, whose baby was due.  Over the past several years, her health has declined, so she’s been trying to cope and determine the best course of action.  But also, it does seem like she’s lonely.  With being retired and her husband still working, the days may be much the same with little company, other than their dedicated cat.

Overall, it went rather well, as we talked for about two hours, except when I reverted to discussing the weather, in order to dodge answering questions about my sister, but I think she may have gotten the hint.  I’d still like to try and see how this works out, although the development and outcome of the next, more serious discussion, as I mentioned above, will aid me in determining if this is the best course to follow.

Friend and Lover

I know that I just wrote a whole spiel about love, but I’ve something else to add, which I was thinking of today, something I miss: friendship.  Oftentimes, my lover becomes my best friend, someone to whom I am incredibly close emotionally, mentally, and physically.  This is the person who I open up to completely; nothing is held back, as I feel comfortable confiding in him, sharing my joys and dreams with him, expressing my fear and misery in his presence, engaging in meaningful and enlightening discussions with him.  We would be a huge part of each others' worlds with such startling influence. 

Now, I feel like I’m closed off and isolated from most people.  I don’t know how much I can open up to different friends or what I feel comfortable sharing with them, all of the intimate details and inner struggles.  Instead, I opt for posting these details up in cyberspace with the illusion of anonymity because I have this urge to share, to feel like I have some sort of connection, even though it’s not at all the same. 

Reuniting with an Old Friend

I set out with my friends and a birding acquaintance of theirs to northeastern Massachusetts, so that we might get a glimpse of the reported rarities and, for us, being from a land-locked part of the state, the equally obscure coastal birds.  We witnessed some beautiful birds, including the west-coast Townsend’s warbler, a lost Cassin’s kingbird, which should be in Mexico right now, an elegant great blue heron, and the strange-looking surf and white-winged scoters.  The hotspot for observing the coastal birds on our trip was the Park River National Wildlife Refuge on Plum Island, for which we bundled up to keep the chill of the frigid sea wind at bay. 

I strolled along the boardwalk, whose construction seemed to match that of the steady rise and fall of the sand dunes over which it was built.  As I neared the end of the boardwalk, I kept pausing to stand on my tip-toes and peer over the last row of sand dunes in anxious anticipation of the sight of the vast, blue ocean.  Finally, I saw it, but only a slight glimpse.  My heart skipped a beat; I felt like a kid in a candy store, exhilarated over what was at last within my grasp.  In between my last few peeps over the dunes, I jogged to the end of the boardwalk, past the birders on the landing, and down the sand-covered stairs.  I could barely contain my excitement with a broad smile stretched from ear to ear, as I stumbled through the shifting sand. 

As I approached the compacted, ocean swept stretch of the beach, I slowed my pace and heartily greeted my long-lost friend.  I stood as close as I dared to the incoming surf, inhaling that brisk, salty air and allowing the power of the wind and waves to reinvigorate my soul.  I fancied the waves instigating a chase, as they crashed into the shore and the bubbling, white foam glided up the beach towards my feet.  Instead of permitting such an attack, I crouched down just out of reach, and extended my arm to gently caress my friend, letting it know that I’m here, that I care, that it’s been missed.

With no end in sight over the horizon, the great, expansive ocean always serves as a reminder to me how insignificant myself and humanity, in general, are, and how mysterious life can be, full of secrets and unknowns.  Yet, there is a beauty in it that extends to humanity and to life itself, which trumps the negative that we might find in them.  It opens our eyes to the endless possibilities and the wonder of uncertainty; it humbles us.  I find the ocean to be inspiring and revitalizing, seeming to change who I am and how I reflect upon this life.  And so, once again, I long to be reunited with that friend, which has so dramatically affected me and changed my frame of mind, my outlook on life.

Pushing the Pain Aside

I need to get away from home.  There are too many reminders, too many memories.  I find myself being drawn back into the hurt, the longing, and the hope, which really doesn’t exist.  I have my good days and my bad days, but I’m often finding myself overwhelmed by my emotions, causing me to retreat inside of myself, once again, in the hope that isolation and wallowing in self-pity will yield healing.  But it doesn’t. 

I can’t talk to him about this because it’s not fair to him.  It’s not his problem.  We’re not in a relationship anymore and this is my own burden to bear, my own emotional hurdle to overcome.  It’s not fair to bring him down with me, when all he did was what was right for himself.  I also can’t blame him for our past relationship problems because I should have addressed them in the moment when they were relevant.  There is nothing to learn from reopening old wounds, especially if he has forgotten them or never even affected by them.  It would only cause further pain, renewed resentment, and hostility. 

Yet, how can I cast my feelings aside when I interact with him?  I feel like I’m lying, pretending that all is well, as if I have completely let go.  I don’t feel like I gave the impression of that in my e-mail, in which I sought to reestablish our friendship, as I concluded with my uncertainty of being strong enough to handle this, and figured that I needed to start somewhere.  Perhaps, that’s what it is to be a friend, to put all of your own issues aside, so that you can be present, and offer your undivided attention and full support to your friend.  I make a point to have limited communication with him for these reasons, and hopefully, he knows that he can contact me if he’s in need.  I also hope that, if that time comes, I will be able to set my feelings aside and just be his friend.

What Is Friendship?

When I think of friends, I think of my two close friends back in high school.  We were integral parts of each others' lives.  We saw each other every day, talked all the time, spent loads of time together, shared our secrets, struggles, and all of the stupid stuff.  I suppose that's the ideal that I'm trying to attain again, since I lost those friends a long time ago, due to a fight between them and me devoting nearly my entire focus to my serious boyfriend.

Realistically, I know that I will likely never again have friendships like that because life gets in the way more and more as we age.  Life was simpler in high school with only our relatively insignificant teenage problems to deal with.  This is one reason why I savor my internship time so much because it brings me back to the kinds of close friendships that I remember; since, when living and working together constantly, we have little choice, but to be totally involved in each others' lives.

Yet, ultimately, that experience comes to an end and I am brought back to reality, in which I continue to struggle to understand what friendship is.  I know that friends aren't constantly in touch with each other, but will be there when you need them most, different ones in varying situations.  I suppose keeping these instances in mind will help me to determine who really wants to continue to be my friend.  However, I still find it difficult to determine who my friends are and what everyone's levels of comfort are.  I don't care for the idea of sharing really simple things, like a detailed account of my entire day.  I probably wouldn't even want to hear about that, especially nowadays.  I enjoy philosophical discussions, but it's easier for me to write them out because I'm able to take time to think things through and organize them into something that makes sense to me, rather than resembling the jumbled in my head.  I'm aware that not everyone feels this way though, so my emails end up being monologues.

I know that people are only able to contribute what they can, and I understand and accept that.  What frustrates me is the uncertainty, when I don't know what their situations are.  I have some friends, who I rarely hear from, being busy, but I know from past personal discussions and my history with them that they truly do care.  Then, there are other people who will send me a couple of e-mails, when we're only just reconnecting or getting to know each other better for the first time; and then, I'll hear nothing from them for months, not knowing why because I don't know what's going on in their lives.  I usually end up taking it personally, assuming that they don't care or I don't fit into their schedules anymore, especially if it's been several months.  There's no way to know for sure what the deal is, unless they tell me.  Novel concept.

I try to not have such high expectations for people because it's not fair to them; and they shouldn't have to meet my standards, particularly if I don't even meet them all the time.  I'm still working on this.  And I do trust easily, unless there's really something that unsettles me about someone.  I don't like judging people outright.  Generally, it takes me a bit to warm up to new people and I do act a bit differently with different people, based on how we connect, what we connect on, how comfortable I feel with them, how our personalities fit; any number of things.  But the initial trust and openness is still there.  I don't know if it's good or bad, but it's gotten me this far.

Rethinking Worthiness of Love

Dear Friend,

As of late, you have frequently come to mind, as I remember the happy moments and the things that I loved about you, and recognize the weaknesses of our relationship, allowing me to better understand why it was not meant to be.  I also keep coming back to the question of how much I am contradicting my beliefs on love by revoking my love and support for you, as you follow your heart and do what makes you happy.  For a time, it was understandable.  I needed to take several steps back, reflect, let go, and take care of myself, which I initially could not seem to do while still being a part of your life. 

However, this question became even more poignant yesterday.  First, I faced a birthday party invitation from an estranged relative, who no one in the family, except her own children, on occasion, has spoken to in about fifteen years.  I was still young then, and wasn’t hugely involved with or affected by this separation, and yet, I held a grudge against her simply because others did, following their experiences with her.  Within the past year, she seems to be trying to make an effort to reach out through holiday and birthday cards, which she hasn’t sent in all these years.  I wonder if she is turning over a new leaf and wanting to reconnect with family, having learned a lesson that life is lonely without these loving relationships.  I find myself pitying her situation, or at least what I perceive it to be.  I want to open myself up to her and give her a chance.

Later that day, I was reading an article, which addressed how we often hold our own ideas and beliefs in such high regards that we tend to look down upon and severely judge those who have dissimilar views or are struggling with something that we label as inherently bad.  The article was primarily directed at the pretentiousness that religion can incite, so that such religious and spiritual individuals are only capable of acting with kindness and love towards people like them.  But this can be found anywhere and in anyone, which the article pointed out later on.  It’s not fair to deem someone unworthy of love, simply because one does not understand or condone what another does. 

This all relates to you because I feel that I have been selfish by ignoring you and blocking you out of my life, and feeling bitter over the turn of events.  Yet, this doesn't benefit anyone.  This negativity does not help me to come to any sort of resolution, it does not make me feel like a good person for abandoning you, when I’m sure that you still struggle, as we all do, and it frustrates me that I seem to be unable to stand by my mantra of being happy with whatever makes you happy.  Now, I am giving others a second chance by letting go of my grudges, and I don’t believe that this should exclude you.

I am still uncertain of my strength and courage, being put to the test of this new, potential dynamic between us, but I need to start somewhere. 

Broadening Horizons

Dear Friend,

I wouldn't say that any single culture is solely responsible for harboring individuals, who are full of themselves and narrow-minded. There are lots of people like that out in the world and, perhaps, we notice it more in the cultural group, to which we belong. This is also partly why I typically don't hold Americans in very high regards, since there seems to be a prescribed way to do things, to feel, to behave, and anything different is wrong within this society. Although, maybe this is a stereotype that I've formed based on my limited life experiences and the media's portrayal of American culture, or at least, how they think it should be.

Then, perhaps, I am just as narrow-minded as those, who I am condemning, as I refuse to be open to their beliefs and ideas about the way things should be because there isn't just one way.  I try to stop and think about these things when I find myself being overly judgmental.  I find that, usually, when I am judging something or someone most intensely, it is because I have a similar flaw within myself, upon which I need to improve.  I still struggle with this though, as we humans have this strong desire to define and classify what is right and wrong; valiantly upholding the right and harshly condemning the wrong, not allowing room for a middle ground.

Yet, I do believe that there is truth to the idea that traveling broadens one's horizons and opens one's mind to alternative ways of thinking and living.  We are allowing ourselves to grow and learn.  Whether we know it or not, we are changing during this travel time, so that we are no longer the same individuals upon our return home, where, generally, all remains the same.  However, in any kind of relationship, the parties involved need to grow together, in order for it to continue to work, otherwise it becomes stagnant and unhealthy.  The latter is often how I feel when I return home, as if I need to fit myself back into the Ann mold that exists here in this environment.  But it doesn't work very well and I end up finding myself miserable and unmotivated.  I'm not living for the same things as I was when I was off in the world and I find it difficult to change my outlook, change my environment.  Perhaps, one day, I will come to appreciate home for what it is and not what I expect it to be.

Maybe in our little community in British Columbia, we all shared that traveling mentality, which allowed us to be more open, accepting, and inviting.  I do think that the small, personal communities of individuals make a difference in feeling a sense of unity and belonging.  Our commonalities, as well as our differences, bring us together.  Not to mention, in an environment where we are confronted with the same individuals on a day-to-day basis in work and home life, we have the opportunity to become closer and more connected.  This is one of the things that I really love about internships, developing a close-knit community.  Unfortunately, outside of that environment, life tends to take its toll and distance can overcome these connections, since one is no longer able to interact with those individuals in the same way.  Also, as we get older, life gets in the way, and we tend to focus only on ourselves and individuals in our immediate surroundings.

It's not ridiculous to feel the way that you do or to have experienced so much love from an unfamiliar group of individuals.  Anything is possible.  I do remember in one of our first conversations when you said that you didn't trust people very readily and generally had your guard up.  I'm so happy that we all helped to restore a bit of your faith in humanity and recognize that there are trustworthy people, who are also capable of much love, caring, and support.  I hope that you continue to find this in life.