Live Life to the Fullest

Flashback to...3 February 2010

And still incredibly relevant today... 

It seems almost silly to be making new connections when I will likely be leaving in a matter of months.  Why put in the effort?   

I suppose it’s not about length of time, but about quality of time that I spend with people.  Lessons may be learned even in the shortest amount of time.  Why cower away from the risk of putting myself out there and deny myself such an opportunity to learn, to laugh, and to live? 

What Kind of a Friend Am I?

Flashback to...10 January 2010

How good of a friend am I?  I wonder about whom my true friends are, who’s there for me during the hard times.  Yet, I’m not always there for my friends either.  There are occasions, when I’m at the right place at the right time or I make a focused effort to be there for support.  But also, when I learn about tragic news on Facebook, I may make a comment and do little else to reach out. 

So perhaps, the nature of my friendships is reflective of my own efforts and capabilities as a friend.  I get what I give.  Hopefully, my goal to stay connected to friends will help me to develop better relationships with them and into the kind of friend that I want to be.  Perhaps, this is also why I end up seeking out or falling into the romantic relationships and intimate scenarios that I do, as I am trying to establish deep, meaningful connections with individuals.

To Friend or Not To Friend

Flashback to...10 January 2010

I’ve decided to drop this friend, not that he’ll even realize it or care.  I do recognize that my own lack of control, clinginess, and emotional confusion played a significant role in the romantic situations and the awkward ones afterwards that we encountered, as well as the development, or lack thereof, of our friendship.  Yet, I also feel that a true friend would not take advantage of a situation, in which I am vulnerable and baring the contents of my heart and soul. 

Both of us could have made our intentions clearer in the beginning, although, I think he understood what I meant and used it to his own advantage in the moment.  Granted, he never lied about anything or buttered me up, so that I would be willing to do anything he wanted, as the contra dancer (from a few posting ago) was likely doing.  But, it’s still not right.  And how could I ever trust him with anything else, especially since I want to have deep, meaningful connections with my friends?  I would have to pick and choose what to share with him, not knowing what information he might use for his own benefit.  This is so sad. 

Typically, my instinct is to trust people, with whom I seem to connect or have friendly interactions, but those cannot be indicators for how honest, trustworthy, compassionate, or respectful they are, especially since everyone is looking out for their own self-interest.  It’s too easy to break someone’s trust when you’re so focused on what you want.  That sounds very familiar... 

I don’t want to be like that.  I want people to trust me, and I will work towards that.  As far as trusting others goes, I should still give them the benefit of the doubt, but I think I need to set up some boundaries to protect myself that will gradually come down as true friendship and trust develops.  I’m not sure how to measure that, though, or how to read people.  I suppose, as long as I know what I’m looking for in a friendship, and can identify my limitations and recognize red flag behaviors in myself and others, based on my past failed experiences, then I should be successful.  I need to know what I want and stick to it.  I must look out for my own self-interest because no one else is going to.

Reconnecting

Flashback to...6 January 2010

It felt so good to reconnect with my friend.  To have girl time; talk, laugh, share.  It’s easy to open up to her.  She’s very accepting and willing to open up to me as well.  I’ve been missing my friends.  I realize that they can’t always be there for me, but I’m certainly learning who I can count on when it hits the fan.  She has offered me a place to stay if I ever need it and to go visit her friends in Wisconsin this summer.  We’ll see where I’m at.  What a wonderful way to start the day!  She’s working on herself too.  She knows how to be independent.  She wants to heal herself.  She can face challenges head on, accept whatever happens, and look at struggles as opportunities.

Starting Over

Yesterday, I met with my estranged aunt, who recently expressed interest in becoming involved in my and my family’s lives again.  I haven’t asked much about the past, and why it has shaped the relationships and sentiments into what they are today, but, regardless, I had decided to make a change and try reaching out.  I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, as I thought that, perhaps, she had come to a realization that she had pushed people away and, now, desired to reconcile.  I can’t know her intentions for certain, as this is just what made sense to me and it was something that I was able to identify with, having largely isolated my friends, the more deeply involved I became in a serious relationship a few years ago.  Perhaps, I’m just seeing what I want to see, believing what I want to believe. 

So, after much planning and rescheduling, we finally sat down for a chat at a local library.  Generally, libraries are very quiet places, but there was a room near the primary entrance that was mostly sectioned off from the main lobby and its offshoots, with the exception of an open entry way that was about three times as wide as the average door.  This design gave the impression that we were sitting in the library of someone’s home, complete with chairs, end tables, and a loveseat arranged in the center of the room, and we were able to freely converse without disturbing anyone.

I had decided that this would be the “getting to know each other” conversation to break the ice, and save the tougher questions regarding her past estrangement and current intentions for the next time.  I learned about the family pets of the past and the present, the happy and humorous moments, as well as the tragedies.  I tried to navigate away from the latter as best I could, and so, we also shared our travel experiences.  She told me of the Caribbean cruises that she went on with her husband and her trip to Germany, when she was eighteen, with one cousin to visit another cousin, whose baby was due.  Over the past several years, her health has declined, so she’s been trying to cope and determine the best course of action.  But also, it does seem like she’s lonely.  With being retired and her husband still working, the days may be much the same with little company, other than their dedicated cat.

Overall, it went rather well, as we talked for about two hours, except when I reverted to discussing the weather, in order to dodge answering questions about my sister, but I think she may have gotten the hint.  I’d still like to try and see how this works out, although the development and outcome of the next, more serious discussion, as I mentioned above, will aid me in determining if this is the best course to follow.

Friend and Lover

I know that I just wrote a whole spiel about love, but I’ve something else to add, which I was thinking of today, something I miss: friendship.  Oftentimes, my lover becomes my best friend, someone to whom I am incredibly close emotionally, mentally, and physically.  This is the person who I open up to completely; nothing is held back, as I feel comfortable confiding in him, sharing my joys and dreams with him, expressing my fear and misery in his presence, engaging in meaningful and enlightening discussions with him.  We would be a huge part of each others' worlds with such startling influence. 

Now, I feel like I’m closed off and isolated from most people.  I don’t know how much I can open up to different friends or what I feel comfortable sharing with them, all of the intimate details and inner struggles.  Instead, I opt for posting these details up in cyberspace with the illusion of anonymity because I have this urge to share, to feel like I have some sort of connection, even though it’s not at all the same. 

Pushing the Pain Aside

I need to get away from home.  There are too many reminders, too many memories.  I find myself being drawn back into the hurt, the longing, and the hope, which really doesn’t exist.  I have my good days and my bad days, but I’m often finding myself overwhelmed by my emotions, causing me to retreat inside of myself, once again, in the hope that isolation and wallowing in self-pity will yield healing.  But it doesn’t. 

I can’t talk to him about this because it’s not fair to him.  It’s not his problem.  We’re not in a relationship anymore and this is my own burden to bear, my own emotional hurdle to overcome.  It’s not fair to bring him down with me, when all he did was what was right for himself.  I also can’t blame him for our past relationship problems because I should have addressed them in the moment when they were relevant.  There is nothing to learn from reopening old wounds, especially if he has forgotten them or never even affected by them.  It would only cause further pain, renewed resentment, and hostility. 

Yet, how can I cast my feelings aside when I interact with him?  I feel like I’m lying, pretending that all is well, as if I have completely let go.  I don’t feel like I gave the impression of that in my e-mail, in which I sought to reestablish our friendship, as I concluded with my uncertainty of being strong enough to handle this, and figured that I needed to start somewhere.  Perhaps, that’s what it is to be a friend, to put all of your own issues aside, so that you can be present, and offer your undivided attention and full support to your friend.  I make a point to have limited communication with him for these reasons, and hopefully, he knows that he can contact me if he’s in need.  I also hope that, if that time comes, I will be able to set my feelings aside and just be his friend.

What Is Friendship?

When I think of friends, I think of my two close friends back in high school.  We were integral parts of each others' lives.  We saw each other every day, talked all the time, spent loads of time together, shared our secrets, struggles, and all of the stupid stuff.  I suppose that's the ideal that I'm trying to attain again, since I lost those friends a long time ago, due to a fight between them and me devoting nearly my entire focus to my serious boyfriend.

Realistically, I know that I will likely never again have friendships like that because life gets in the way more and more as we age.  Life was simpler in high school with only our relatively insignificant teenage problems to deal with.  This is one reason why I savor my internship time so much because it brings me back to the kinds of close friendships that I remember; since, when living and working together constantly, we have little choice, but to be totally involved in each others' lives.

Yet, ultimately, that experience comes to an end and I am brought back to reality, in which I continue to struggle to understand what friendship is.  I know that friends aren't constantly in touch with each other, but will be there when you need them most, different ones in varying situations.  I suppose keeping these instances in mind will help me to determine who really wants to continue to be my friend.  However, I still find it difficult to determine who my friends are and what everyone's levels of comfort are.  I don't care for the idea of sharing really simple things, like a detailed account of my entire day.  I probably wouldn't even want to hear about that, especially nowadays.  I enjoy philosophical discussions, but it's easier for me to write them out because I'm able to take time to think things through and organize them into something that makes sense to me, rather than resembling the jumbled in my head.  I'm aware that not everyone feels this way though, so my emails end up being monologues.

I know that people are only able to contribute what they can, and I understand and accept that.  What frustrates me is the uncertainty, when I don't know what their situations are.  I have some friends, who I rarely hear from, being busy, but I know from past personal discussions and my history with them that they truly do care.  Then, there are other people who will send me a couple of e-mails, when we're only just reconnecting or getting to know each other better for the first time; and then, I'll hear nothing from them for months, not knowing why because I don't know what's going on in their lives.  I usually end up taking it personally, assuming that they don't care or I don't fit into their schedules anymore, especially if it's been several months.  There's no way to know for sure what the deal is, unless they tell me.  Novel concept.

I try to not have such high expectations for people because it's not fair to them; and they shouldn't have to meet my standards, particularly if I don't even meet them all the time.  I'm still working on this.  And I do trust easily, unless there's really something that unsettles me about someone.  I don't like judging people outright.  Generally, it takes me a bit to warm up to new people and I do act a bit differently with different people, based on how we connect, what we connect on, how comfortable I feel with them, how our personalities fit; any number of things.  But the initial trust and openness is still there.  I don't know if it's good or bad, but it's gotten me this far.

Rethinking Worthiness of Love

Dear Friend,

As of late, you have frequently come to mind, as I remember the happy moments and the things that I loved about you, and recognize the weaknesses of our relationship, allowing me to better understand why it was not meant to be.  I also keep coming back to the question of how much I am contradicting my beliefs on love by revoking my love and support for you, as you follow your heart and do what makes you happy.  For a time, it was understandable.  I needed to take several steps back, reflect, let go, and take care of myself, which I initially could not seem to do while still being a part of your life. 

However, this question became even more poignant yesterday.  First, I faced a birthday party invitation from an estranged relative, who no one in the family, except her own children, on occasion, has spoken to in about fifteen years.  I was still young then, and wasn’t hugely involved with or affected by this separation, and yet, I held a grudge against her simply because others did, following their experiences with her.  Within the past year, she seems to be trying to make an effort to reach out through holiday and birthday cards, which she hasn’t sent in all these years.  I wonder if she is turning over a new leaf and wanting to reconnect with family, having learned a lesson that life is lonely without these loving relationships.  I find myself pitying her situation, or at least what I perceive it to be.  I want to open myself up to her and give her a chance.

Later that day, I was reading an article, which addressed how we often hold our own ideas and beliefs in such high regards that we tend to look down upon and severely judge those who have dissimilar views or are struggling with something that we label as inherently bad.  The article was primarily directed at the pretentiousness that religion can incite, so that such religious and spiritual individuals are only capable of acting with kindness and love towards people like them.  But this can be found anywhere and in anyone, which the article pointed out later on.  It’s not fair to deem someone unworthy of love, simply because one does not understand or condone what another does. 

This all relates to you because I feel that I have been selfish by ignoring you and blocking you out of my life, and feeling bitter over the turn of events.  Yet, this doesn't benefit anyone.  This negativity does not help me to come to any sort of resolution, it does not make me feel like a good person for abandoning you, when I’m sure that you still struggle, as we all do, and it frustrates me that I seem to be unable to stand by my mantra of being happy with whatever makes you happy.  Now, I am giving others a second chance by letting go of my grudges, and I don’t believe that this should exclude you.

I am still uncertain of my strength and courage, being put to the test of this new, potential dynamic between us, but I need to start somewhere. 

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I thought that this was it.  I thought that this was my calling.  I thought that it would be different.  Famous last words.  Rehabilitation is uniquely different from zoo and shelter work, but it is still animal care.  I believe such work to be a noble cause and I love being a part of it and interacting with the animals.  Perhaps, I wanted me to pursue this.  I pushed myself, just like a parent who tries to live the life that they wanted through their child.  I do have a history with animal care.  I also have a history of leaving animal care.  Those past experience can be interpreted in a number of ways, though I am uncertain how exactly to interpret the things that I take interest in, if they’re things to be taken seriously or not. 

Before I went to Ireland, I wanted to work with birds.  When I got to Ireland, I was thoroughly engaged in my work, but I also wanted to work with the seals.  At home, I fell back to animal care, while wanting to return to the ocean, and just travel in general.  Now, after only two weeks, I don’t want to be here.  I want to be back on the seashore; I want to be back in Ireland.  Although, I still can’t see myself working at that particular marine station again.  I thought that traveling at least would do the trick and make me happy, and it did.  I was in awe on my way journey through British Columbia and was eager to learn and do in my first week. 

I’m getting on well with people here, though the connections aren’t very deep, and I don’t know if they ever will be.  I’m keeping myself busy and active.  I could be on the fringe of homesickness, yet I don’t find myself missing it much without my lover still there.  I feel like I’ve been coping better without him so far this time, compared to last year.  I’m feeling under the weather in general, which could make me feel either more awful about this situation and blow it out of proportion or could be a sign that this isn’t the path for me.  It could be stress and fear regarding the chaotic learning yet to come during the impending overflow of patients.  Although, this feeling isn't always terribly obvious or right at the surface.  It certainly comes up each time I handle a new animal or interact with a more dangerous one.  I don’t know if I have the capability to fake confidence.  But it’s not even supposed to be faking; it’s believing on nothing that I can do something that I’ve never done. 

As a staff member was leaving today, I had the urge to plead to take me with her.  I’m ready to travel again.  Although, part of me wants to stick it out here because it will be an amazing experience, whether or not I continue with this as a career path.  I’ve also made a commitment and I’d feel rather silly leaving so early, especially after pushing for a more extensive internship.  And it’s only three and a half months, now closer to three.  I can do this.  Stay positive and focus on what I have, what I’m gaining, and find the joy in what I'm doing.  I don’t want to be constantly wishing for something else or I’ll never be truly happy.