Letting Out Our Inner Child

It’s fascinating how captivated a child can be with the world around him/her, even with the simplest or most mundane things, like hand-washing laundry, as two little girls sat watching me today.  Everything is fresh and new.  Perhaps, even though a child has dug in the same sandbox day after day, they notice the subtle differences that make this particular moment all its own.  Or maybe they eagerly anticipate changes, knowing that the world is in a constant state of flux.  They remain enthralled by all that they notice, which is quite a lot, as they are always watching, processing, and learning, during the peak years of their development.

It’s equally fascinating that not long ago, adults experienced the world in the very same way.  However, the magic that it once held has disappeared to be replaced by jadedness from our common daily tasks to the overwhelming negative forces at work in the world.  Perhaps, this childhood experience is influential in the decision of many individuals to start a family.  In some distant memories, they can recall the wonder and excitement that the world once held and find themselves secretly missing those feelings.  It seemed to be an experience unique to childhood, so the only obvious way to relive such moments would be through a child.  As the child discovers, the parents reminisce, reliving their childhood and sharing what they hold most dear with their progeny.

While it is important to be so engaged with children, I don’t believe that children are the only ones who get to have all of the fun.  It’s far more challenging to connect with our inner child, to push away the worries, doubts, responsibilities, and horrors of life, for even just a brief moment, to recognize the good that we once saw in it and that still exists.  We need to essentially unlearn much of what has been taught to us about being an adult and how we must conduct ourselves within society, always remaining reserved, keeping busying, and wanting more.  We need to remember how to appreciate the simple things in life and marvel at their existence.

It seems that we are so firmly rooted in these mind sets, these cultural and societal constructs, that it becomes difficult to identify where they end and where our own true values and interests begin.  Maybe, if we revisit our childhood a little more often, whether it be through our memories or through new experiences individually or with our children, we may be able to find some answers and rediscover the wonder and beauty of life.

Understanding the Inner Self

I spent the past couple of days in self-reflection, trying to identify the unhealthy patterns in my life, so that I may address and remedy them.  For this, I utilized the following exercise from Starhawk's The Earth Path.  I highly recommend this book, not only as an aid to better understand the inner workings of oneself, but also to assist in reconnecting with nature, during a time in which we have distanced ourselves so much from it.  Happy soul searching!

Inner Pattern Observation

Starhawk: The Earth Path

The magic circle of the elements can help us look for our own internal patterns.  You can work with the questions below in several different ways.  Alone, you can meditate on them, write in your journal about them, or take each for a period of days or a week to reflect upon and keep notes on.

With a friend, partner, or in a healing or mentoring relationship, you could share with each other your reflections and give each other feedback and insights.

In a group or circle with a high degree of intimacy or trust, you could go around the circle, giving each person time to respond to each question without being interrupted or challenged.  At the end, you could discuss what is similar or different about your conclusions.  In group work, I would suggest taking one element each session, and devoting five or six sessions to this work.

Air

Are there patterns you can identify in your thoughts?  Particular phrases or words you say to yourself again and again, or snatches of inner dialogue that repeat?  Names you call yourself?  Images you hold?  Fantasies?

How do these affect your perception of yourself?  Others?  How do they impact your energy?  Emotions?  Body?  Spirit?  The choices you make?  The possibilities you see around you?  How do these patterns restrict or harm you?  How do they serve you?  What do they do?

Fire

Are there patterns you can identify around your energy level and how you use your energies?  Cycles or repeating ebbs and flows?  Ways you dissipate or squander energy?  Patterns of eating or drinking or sleeping?  Repetitive ways you build up energy or stoke your fires?

How do these affect your perception of yourself?  Others?  How do they impact your energy?  Emotions?  Body?  Spirit?  The choices you make?  The possibilities you see around you?  How do these patterns restrict or harm you?  How do they serve you?  What do they do?

Water

Are there emotional patterns that you can identify?  Cycles of feeling?  Patterns in love, patterns in relationships?  Patterns in the way you respond to fear?  Hope?  Anger?  Attack?  Loss?

How do these affect your perception of yourself?  Others?  How do they impact your energy?  Emotions?  Body?  Spirit?  The choices you make?  The possibilities you see around you?  How do these patterns restrict or harm you?  How do they serve you?  What do they do?

Earth

Are there physical patterns you can identify?  Patterns in your health, fitness, muscle tone, and flexibility?  Do you get sick in response to other patterns?  Cyclically?

Are there patterns you follow around money or other material resources?  Around providing for yourself and others?  Around shopping or spending?

Do you notice patterns around your ability to set boundaries, or your encounters with others’ boundaries?

How do these affect your perception of yourself?  Others?  How do they impact your energy?  Emotions?  Body?  Spirit?  The choices you make?  The possibilities you see around you?  How do these patterns restrict or harm you?  How do they serve you?  What do they do?

Spirit

Are there spiritual patterns that you can identify?  Patterns around consciousness-change, intoxication?  Addictions?  Patterns in communication and connection with others?

How do these affect your perception of yourself?  Others?  How do they impact your energy?  Emotions?  Body?  Spirit?  The choices you make?  The possibilities you see around you?  How do these patterns restrict or harm you?  How do they serve you?  What do they do?

Celtic Wisdom

Recently, I finished reading Anam Ċara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom by John O’Donohue.  I loved that book.  The author had some wonderful insights, and he managed to relate ancient knowledge to considering and remedying the worries and cares of the modern world, the present-day individual.  I will share a few quotes on love and the "soul friend" that really resonated with me...

"There is a lovely idea in the Celtic tradition that if you send out goodness from yourself, or if you share that which is happy or good within you, it will all come back to you multiplied ten thousand times.  In the kingdom of love there is no competition; there is no possessiveness or control.  The more love you give away, the more love you will have." (35-6)

"You can never love another person unless you are equally involved in the beautiful but difficult spiritual work of learning to love yourself." (26)

"When you fall in love, common sense, rationality, and your normal serious, reserved, and respectable persona dissolve.  Suddenly you are like an adolescent again; there is new fire in your life.  You become revitalized.  Where there is no passion, your soul is either asleep or absent.  When your passion awakens, your soul becomes young and free and dances again." (20)

"The greatest gift new love brings into your life is the awakening to the hidden love within.  This makes you independent.  You are now able to come close to the other, not out of need or with the wearying apparatus of projection, but out of genuine intimacy, affinity, and belonging.  It is a freedom.  Love should make you free." (27) 

"One of the most precious things you should always preserve in a friendship and in love is your own difference...Often in a relationship there can be a subtle homogenizing force, which is destructive.  The irony is that it is usually the difference between people that makes one person attractive to another." (28-9)

"Two people who love each other should never feel called to explain to an outside party why they love each other, or why it is that they belong together...Their souls know why they are together; and they should trust that togetherness." (34)

"...”relationship” has become an empty center around which our lonely hunger forages for warmth and belonging.  Much of the public language of intimacy is hollow, and its incessant repetition only betrays the complete absence of intimacy.  Real intimacy is a sacred experience.  It never exposes its secret trust and belonging to the voyeuristic eye of a neon culture.  Real intimacy is of the soul, and the soul is reserved." (17)

"No one can hurt you as deeply as the one you love.  When you allow the Other inside your life, you leave yourself open...Every friendship travels at sometime through the black valley of despair.  This tests every aspect of your affection...If you can come through this time, it can purify your love, and falsity and need will fall away.  It will bring you onto new ground where affection can grow again." (12)

To Friend or Not To Friend

Flashback to...10 January 2010

I’ve decided to drop this friend, not that he’ll even realize it or care.  I do recognize that my own lack of control, clinginess, and emotional confusion played a significant role in the romantic situations and the awkward ones afterwards that we encountered, as well as the development, or lack thereof, of our friendship.  Yet, I also feel that a true friend would not take advantage of a situation, in which I am vulnerable and baring the contents of my heart and soul. 

Both of us could have made our intentions clearer in the beginning, although, I think he understood what I meant and used it to his own advantage in the moment.  Granted, he never lied about anything or buttered me up, so that I would be willing to do anything he wanted, as the contra dancer (from a few posting ago) was likely doing.  But, it’s still not right.  And how could I ever trust him with anything else, especially since I want to have deep, meaningful connections with my friends?  I would have to pick and choose what to share with him, not knowing what information he might use for his own benefit.  This is so sad. 

Typically, my instinct is to trust people, with whom I seem to connect or have friendly interactions, but those cannot be indicators for how honest, trustworthy, compassionate, or respectful they are, especially since everyone is looking out for their own self-interest.  It’s too easy to break someone’s trust when you’re so focused on what you want.  That sounds very familiar... 

I don’t want to be like that.  I want people to trust me, and I will work towards that.  As far as trusting others goes, I should still give them the benefit of the doubt, but I think I need to set up some boundaries to protect myself that will gradually come down as true friendship and trust develops.  I’m not sure how to measure that, though, or how to read people.  I suppose, as long as I know what I’m looking for in a friendship, and can identify my limitations and recognize red flag behaviors in myself and others, based on my past failed experiences, then I should be successful.  I need to know what I want and stick to it.  I must look out for my own self-interest because no one else is going to.

Backtracking

I used to just go for it when guys made flirtatious advances, like when I was at a music festival in Ireland.  The guy I had just danced with asked for a peck on the cheek, but instead, turned his head for a full blown kiss on the lips, which I permitted, and reveled in the attention.

But last night at the contra dance, when a friend sneaked a kiss, I did not reciprocate.  I hadn’t even been prepared to dodge it, as I had become accustomed to doing whenever he attended dances.  And I was upset that the boundary of flirtation had been crossed, which I had laid out and started to explain the rationale of via online chat with him.  Did he not respect me and my wishes, just as another former “friend” had demonstrated with similar, albeit recurrent behaviors, two years ago? 

Once we were out of the contra line, I explained to him my reasons in greater detail, which was that after having my heart obliterated in my last relationship, I am not ready to trust anyone with it, no matter how serious or not the pursuit is, for I also can’t trust myself, since I over-analyze simple gestures and fall into romance too quickly.  He understood and apologized, which I appreciated and thanked him for.  Also, I realized after the fact that I had actually said “thank you,” instead of “it’s okay,” like I usually do, which always seems like I’m just dismissing something as insignificant, to which I really did take offense. 

As we sat out a square dance, I divulged further the conditions of my past relationship, break-up, and “friendship,” why I became so angry with my ex recently and lashed out.  I felt miserable after reopening those old wounds.  I sat there thinking more on the subject, as my friend went off to dance and I munched on a cookie, which he had provided as a peace offering.  I thought back to that first waltz with my ex and how, in that instant, something just clicked.  It felt right to be in his arms, and I know that he had felt it too.  I thought about how I hadn’t loved anyone before in the way that I had love him.  It was a new feeling that was completely unnerving, but wonderful at the same time. 

Yet, as I explained to my friend, as well as in a couple of posts ago, my ex has some growing up, soul-searching, and self-exploration to do.  It’s even more upsetting that after all of this time, and all of the pain that he has caused, he still has a hold on me.

Furthermore, this new, unexpected approach to dealing with such flirtation/romance matters could either aid me in identifying and ignoring lustful whims, in favor of real and budding love, or it could cause me to become emotionally withdrawn, cold, and unfeeling.  I am uncertain as to which path I am currently on.