The Dream Slipping Out of Reach?

Apparently, my internship hopping can also negatively affect my chances at securing further internships and later career-oriented employment.  I worry about this same issue when I’m back at home looking for work; if an employer won’t hire me because it doesn’t look like I can hold a job, as I haven’t stuck with a job for almost three years. 

Since I still live in a society, in which there are certain standards to meet and timelines to follow, by still working at internships after four years out of college, I’m hurting my chances at getting a real job more than helping because employers may have a fear that I can’t commit.  Although, I worry that I will get sucked into a job and never leave, even if I no longer or never have loved the work, sporting a ball and chain around my leg, a symbol of my comfort zone. 

And when did questions become unwarranted?  Perhaps, it depends upon the type of questions, the field of work, and the employer’s personality and methods, among other things.  I’ve often been praised for asking many insightful questions, in order to ensure that I’m doing the work properly, and to avoid any seriously detrimental mistakes.  However, too many questions can slow down the work pace and, apparently, is a sign of weakness, a lack of confidence in my ability to problem solve and think for myself.  I’ll concede some there.  I do need to take more risks and just try, believe in myself. There certainly is a huge benefit to working through questions and obstacles on one’s own, as one can learn that much more from the experience. 

I need to start developing solid skill sets, upon which I can build and take with me to other jobs.  I suppose a year or two of my life isn’t much in the grand scheme of things.  Not to mention, career switching is the norm now.  I don’t have to be stuck.  It’s all a matter of altering my perception, and reigning in my fear.  And, although it doesn’t always show, I have far more self-confidence than I once did.  Yet, I still find myself living in the past, where I was four years ago, with the fear of being bound to a decision forever; a fear which has cost me my last love and now, potentially, my life goals and dreams.

Any thoughts?

Delusions

I seem to have delusions as to how quick of a learner I am.  I tend to believe that I should immediately be proficient at a task, as I also have little patience for my own learning curve.  I’ve noticed a trend that upon entering internships, I begin to stress out very quickly and become incredibly critical of myself if I cannot comprehend or perform every aspect of the position and project in which I am involved.  I often compare myself to others, neglecting to consider that their more extensive training and educational backgrounds provide them with an advantage. 

I feel like I should know more than I do and I start to question what exactly I am proficient in that I can contribute.  I’ve dabbled little in several fields, but not enough to really develop functional skill sets, especially with no practice or reinforcement in between internships.  This is another reason why I am ready to find a focus so that I can consistently build my competencies, apply them, and work towards a more concrete, long-term goal.  Currently, I am aimlessly wandering; hoping that the internships I try based on the leads that I have identified will guide me to my passion.

It’s been frustrating coming into this internship at the end of the season, as I feel quite lost during project related discussions, as though I have missed important pieces of information during the development of the project.  There’s been a lot to try to wrap my head around and I struggle to learn the concepts and skills being taught to the students, who arrive for the field intensive course each week. 

I need to take it easy on myself.  I shouldn’t panic, berate myself, or try to escape.  I need to just do and throw caution to the wind, in a sense.  Stop worrying about what I will do wrong, and instead, focus on just learning the task at hand and enjoy it.  I can’t master any of this in a month.  It’s just not possible.  I need to do the best that I can with the most positivity that I can muster.

What Will You Do When You Can’t Dance Anymore?

What will you do when you can’t dance anymore?  This was the question posed by director Zach in “A Chorus Line.”  What would the dancers do when no longer able to pursue and live their dream?

Diana admits to not feeling like she’s getting anywhere by landing small roles in shows, but when she shares these experiences with others, they are floored.  They find it incredible that she’s been living her dream, working her way to where she wants to be.

Shelia comments that she too felt that way once, and had a timeline set for herself.  Achieving her goal in “just a few more years” ushered her on, but now, at thirty, she’s become disillusioned and wonders how much longer she has to wait for her time to come, her big break.

Is it realistic to be chasing a dream when it seems near impossible to achieve it, when it keeps eluding you?  How do you determine when it’s time to choose another path and move on?  Is it really because it’s impossible?  Or is it because it’s a challenging path that requires more time and greater dedication, as there is no standard time line for a less traditional route? 

Am I being realistic or am I just being naïve, believing that a dream come true would certainly happen for me?

Waiting for Me

So much of life is spent waiting; waiting in line, waiting for the date of a big event to come about, waiting to save up enough money for that vacation to Europe, waiting for oneself.  I often find that I am waiting for myself to be ready to do something.  Perhaps, waiting for the most opportune moment, when it feels just right, waiting for inspiration to hit me, and maybe knock me over to make the point even clearer.  I want to be in the right frame of mind, to feel capable enough in what I set out to do, so that I can be certain that it is my best quality work.  Or I am waiting to realize what the best course of action is to take, anticipating an obvious moment of enlightenment.  I may be waiting for things that will never happen, which provides me with an excuse to avoid taking control of my life.  Instead, I let myself slide, take the easy way out, and push things back another day.  There is no use in forcing an issue, as it may work out on its own in time, especially with less worry and pressure, right?.  And that is why I let myself get away with so much because I figure it will come back to me when I am ready, whatever that means.  Yet, I am unsure how to gauge my own readiness. 

This internship is only a blip in my life.  I have the rest of my life to travel, explore, discover my dreams, and achieve my goals, whatever they may be.  I’m already beyond the age requirements for many internships, so a few more years gone by will not pose anymore of a limitation.  I just need to get used to the fact that I will always be the oldest in the group, by a long shot, eventually.  My focus now is the job at hand.  I’m here, I’m not going anywhere else, so I should put all of my effort into this position.  Stop thinking about where I could be, what I’ll do next.  There will be a time for that, but it is not now, especially since I am currently so susceptible to pessimistic thinking regarding my predicament.  In addition to this, I need to renew my efforts at positive thinking and taking care of myself.  I need to be good to myself.  Currently, the way I am going about life is not healthy, as I hide away, hold myself back, and take the easy way out.  Tomorrow will be different.  Tomorrow I will get back to me.

Struggling to Find Motivation

I have the urge to write, but no inspiration from which to draw.  I feel like an utterly useless medium, unable to grasp and transcribe the ideas and thoughts floating about in my head, and transform them into a provoking literary piece.  I felt this urge come on much stronger earlier today, but I opted to wait until I returned “home”, and so, left that desire, that creativity trailing behind me along the drying pavement on my return journey.  Perhaps, arriving at my destination drained whatever inkling I had left to write.  That’s not at all fair though, as I constantly struggle to settle down and just write, feeling as if it must be good on the first draft. 

I find it overwhelming, trying to return to my story, attempting to determine the direction, and how it should evolve and develop.  I am uncertain how to incorporate other literary sources of my own creation, even though I have successfully done this with others’ works on many a research paper.  And I am frustrated with the seeming lack of progress, as there are no definable goals, except the final product, a finished narrative.  It appears much more daunting and I am uncertain how to approach it.  I don’t even know how it will end.

I can never seem to quiet my mind.  There’s always something floating about; the to-do list for the day, the task that I forgot to complete, the error that I made, my feelings in the moment planning out my future course, my fears.  They all demand attention pushing each other around, creating chaos in my head.  I even find myself unable to retain a list of work tasks in the short-term, specific protocols and expectations.  I don’t know why this happens or where they go.  I feel so incompetent, air-headed.  Poof, it’s gone.  Without a care, without any assurance of return.

Individual Exploration

Early Wednesday morning, before the sun even rose, the love of my life boarded a bus to New York City, en route to the suburbs of Washington, D.C.  He’s off to get a fresh start, get back on his feet, explore a world outside of his comfort zone, and develop a relationship with his biological father, with whom he will be living.  I knew he was going to leave and I witnessed it with my own eyes.  Yet, after spending the past six months with him and being only an hour’s drive away, it’s hard to believe that he could be anywhere else.  We both have things that we want to do, individual lives to lead, and goals and dreams to pursue, so the time is not right for us to be together; at least not in convenient proximity to each other.  We just need to believe that our love is strong enough to withstand the test of time, and that one day, our paths may cross once again.

As for me, I finally get to begin a new adventure, and will be hopping on a plane bound for Seattle on May 12.  From there, I will be ferrying up to Salt Spring Island, which is located north of Victoria and southwest of Vancouver, British Colombia.  I have been accepted for an internship position at a wildlife rehabilitation center there, where I will delve deeper into this field.  I am hoping that a full-time position will provide me with adequate exposure to all aspects of the work, so that I can determine if it is something that I would like to pursue as a career.  I decided several months ago that instead of jumping about between a variety of different types of internships, as interesting as that would be, I should focus on a particular area of interest, so that I can get a better sense of the field and develop and refine skills to make myself a more appealing job candidate.

I have kept coming back to animal care positions over the course of my life, and I actually could see myself doing wildlife rehabilitation for the long-term, having spent a portion of the past two years volunteering for such work; at least this is the feeling for now.  It still aggravates me how everything is so incredibly subject to change.  I do worry about going over to Canada and discovering, as I go through the internship, that I could not make this my life’s work, forcing me to go back to the drawing board, and potentially spending another long break at home.  I am trying not to think too much about that and just enjoy the internship for what it is and deal with this issue if it even arises.  I hope to keep traveling for awhile, and I need to get myself in gear for that, after spending the past six months hanging about at home in my comfort zone.