Holding My Own

Flashback to...6 January 2010

How can I not be persuaded when someone offers a convincing argument that I can’t solidly counter?  The best rebuttal I have sometimes is that it just seems to be the best option for myself.  Even then, how can I convince another of that when they can’t truly see the situation through my eyes, feel how I feel, think as I think?

So I am persuaded by another’s logic, which may to suggest to others that I am capable of considering and accepting their opinions and that I am just as logical as they are.  I think it just boils down to my worry of others will think of me, as well as my desire to put others’ interests before my own.  That’s a dangerous combination. 

Just because an argument is convincing or logical doesn’t make it right.  It’s too easy for people to twist the facts or interpret them in a way that makes their opinion seem right and true.  We can agree to disagree.  Debates will not always be resolved, or at least not in a single discussion.  I need to hold my ground and not allow my beliefs, feelings, and ideas to waiver, simply because another sees things differently and can clearly verbalize their thoughts.

Starting Over

Yesterday, I met with my estranged aunt, who recently expressed interest in becoming involved in my and my family’s lives again.  I haven’t asked much about the past, and why it has shaped the relationships and sentiments into what they are today, but, regardless, I had decided to make a change and try reaching out.  I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, as I thought that, perhaps, she had come to a realization that she had pushed people away and, now, desired to reconcile.  I can’t know her intentions for certain, as this is just what made sense to me and it was something that I was able to identify with, having largely isolated my friends, the more deeply involved I became in a serious relationship a few years ago.  Perhaps, I’m just seeing what I want to see, believing what I want to believe. 

So, after much planning and rescheduling, we finally sat down for a chat at a local library.  Generally, libraries are very quiet places, but there was a room near the primary entrance that was mostly sectioned off from the main lobby and its offshoots, with the exception of an open entry way that was about three times as wide as the average door.  This design gave the impression that we were sitting in the library of someone’s home, complete with chairs, end tables, and a loveseat arranged in the center of the room, and we were able to freely converse without disturbing anyone.

I had decided that this would be the “getting to know each other” conversation to break the ice, and save the tougher questions regarding her past estrangement and current intentions for the next time.  I learned about the family pets of the past and the present, the happy and humorous moments, as well as the tragedies.  I tried to navigate away from the latter as best I could, and so, we also shared our travel experiences.  She told me of the Caribbean cruises that she went on with her husband and her trip to Germany, when she was eighteen, with one cousin to visit another cousin, whose baby was due.  Over the past several years, her health has declined, so she’s been trying to cope and determine the best course of action.  But also, it does seem like she’s lonely.  With being retired and her husband still working, the days may be much the same with little company, other than their dedicated cat.

Overall, it went rather well, as we talked for about two hours, except when I reverted to discussing the weather, in order to dodge answering questions about my sister, but I think she may have gotten the hint.  I’d still like to try and see how this works out, although the development and outcome of the next, more serious discussion, as I mentioned above, will aid me in determining if this is the best course to follow.

Friend and Lover

I know that I just wrote a whole spiel about love, but I’ve something else to add, which I was thinking of today, something I miss: friendship.  Oftentimes, my lover becomes my best friend, someone to whom I am incredibly close emotionally, mentally, and physically.  This is the person who I open up to completely; nothing is held back, as I feel comfortable confiding in him, sharing my joys and dreams with him, expressing my fear and misery in his presence, engaging in meaningful and enlightening discussions with him.  We would be a huge part of each others' worlds with such startling influence. 

Now, I feel like I’m closed off and isolated from most people.  I don’t know how much I can open up to different friends or what I feel comfortable sharing with them, all of the intimate details and inner struggles.  Instead, I opt for posting these details up in cyberspace with the illusion of anonymity because I have this urge to share, to feel like I have some sort of connection, even though it’s not at all the same. 

What Is Friendship?

When I think of friends, I think of my two close friends back in high school.  We were integral parts of each others' lives.  We saw each other every day, talked all the time, spent loads of time together, shared our secrets, struggles, and all of the stupid stuff.  I suppose that's the ideal that I'm trying to attain again, since I lost those friends a long time ago, due to a fight between them and me devoting nearly my entire focus to my serious boyfriend.

Realistically, I know that I will likely never again have friendships like that because life gets in the way more and more as we age.  Life was simpler in high school with only our relatively insignificant teenage problems to deal with.  This is one reason why I savor my internship time so much because it brings me back to the kinds of close friendships that I remember; since, when living and working together constantly, we have little choice, but to be totally involved in each others' lives.

Yet, ultimately, that experience comes to an end and I am brought back to reality, in which I continue to struggle to understand what friendship is.  I know that friends aren't constantly in touch with each other, but will be there when you need them most, different ones in varying situations.  I suppose keeping these instances in mind will help me to determine who really wants to continue to be my friend.  However, I still find it difficult to determine who my friends are and what everyone's levels of comfort are.  I don't care for the idea of sharing really simple things, like a detailed account of my entire day.  I probably wouldn't even want to hear about that, especially nowadays.  I enjoy philosophical discussions, but it's easier for me to write them out because I'm able to take time to think things through and organize them into something that makes sense to me, rather than resembling the jumbled in my head.  I'm aware that not everyone feels this way though, so my emails end up being monologues.

I know that people are only able to contribute what they can, and I understand and accept that.  What frustrates me is the uncertainty, when I don't know what their situations are.  I have some friends, who I rarely hear from, being busy, but I know from past personal discussions and my history with them that they truly do care.  Then, there are other people who will send me a couple of e-mails, when we're only just reconnecting or getting to know each other better for the first time; and then, I'll hear nothing from them for months, not knowing why because I don't know what's going on in their lives.  I usually end up taking it personally, assuming that they don't care or I don't fit into their schedules anymore, especially if it's been several months.  There's no way to know for sure what the deal is, unless they tell me.  Novel concept.

I try to not have such high expectations for people because it's not fair to them; and they shouldn't have to meet my standards, particularly if I don't even meet them all the time.  I'm still working on this.  And I do trust easily, unless there's really something that unsettles me about someone.  I don't like judging people outright.  Generally, it takes me a bit to warm up to new people and I do act a bit differently with different people, based on how we connect, what we connect on, how comfortable I feel with them, how our personalities fit; any number of things.  But the initial trust and openness is still there.  I don't know if it's good or bad, but it's gotten me this far.