Starting Over

Yesterday, I met with my estranged aunt, who recently expressed interest in becoming involved in my and my family’s lives again.  I haven’t asked much about the past, and why it has shaped the relationships and sentiments into what they are today, but, regardless, I had decided to make a change and try reaching out.  I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, as I thought that, perhaps, she had come to a realization that she had pushed people away and, now, desired to reconcile.  I can’t know her intentions for certain, as this is just what made sense to me and it was something that I was able to identify with, having largely isolated my friends, the more deeply involved I became in a serious relationship a few years ago.  Perhaps, I’m just seeing what I want to see, believing what I want to believe. 

So, after much planning and rescheduling, we finally sat down for a chat at a local library.  Generally, libraries are very quiet places, but there was a room near the primary entrance that was mostly sectioned off from the main lobby and its offshoots, with the exception of an open entry way that was about three times as wide as the average door.  This design gave the impression that we were sitting in the library of someone’s home, complete with chairs, end tables, and a loveseat arranged in the center of the room, and we were able to freely converse without disturbing anyone.

I had decided that this would be the “getting to know each other” conversation to break the ice, and save the tougher questions regarding her past estrangement and current intentions for the next time.  I learned about the family pets of the past and the present, the happy and humorous moments, as well as the tragedies.  I tried to navigate away from the latter as best I could, and so, we also shared our travel experiences.  She told me of the Caribbean cruises that she went on with her husband and her trip to Germany, when she was eighteen, with one cousin to visit another cousin, whose baby was due.  Over the past several years, her health has declined, so she’s been trying to cope and determine the best course of action.  But also, it does seem like she’s lonely.  With being retired and her husband still working, the days may be much the same with little company, other than their dedicated cat.

Overall, it went rather well, as we talked for about two hours, except when I reverted to discussing the weather, in order to dodge answering questions about my sister, but I think she may have gotten the hint.  I’d still like to try and see how this works out, although the development and outcome of the next, more serious discussion, as I mentioned above, will aid me in determining if this is the best course to follow.

Rethinking Worthiness of Love

Dear Friend,

As of late, you have frequently come to mind, as I remember the happy moments and the things that I loved about you, and recognize the weaknesses of our relationship, allowing me to better understand why it was not meant to be.  I also keep coming back to the question of how much I am contradicting my beliefs on love by revoking my love and support for you, as you follow your heart and do what makes you happy.  For a time, it was understandable.  I needed to take several steps back, reflect, let go, and take care of myself, which I initially could not seem to do while still being a part of your life. 

However, this question became even more poignant yesterday.  First, I faced a birthday party invitation from an estranged relative, who no one in the family, except her own children, on occasion, has spoken to in about fifteen years.  I was still young then, and wasn’t hugely involved with or affected by this separation, and yet, I held a grudge against her simply because others did, following their experiences with her.  Within the past year, she seems to be trying to make an effort to reach out through holiday and birthday cards, which she hasn’t sent in all these years.  I wonder if she is turning over a new leaf and wanting to reconnect with family, having learned a lesson that life is lonely without these loving relationships.  I find myself pitying her situation, or at least what I perceive it to be.  I want to open myself up to her and give her a chance.

Later that day, I was reading an article, which addressed how we often hold our own ideas and beliefs in such high regards that we tend to look down upon and severely judge those who have dissimilar views or are struggling with something that we label as inherently bad.  The article was primarily directed at the pretentiousness that religion can incite, so that such religious and spiritual individuals are only capable of acting with kindness and love towards people like them.  But this can be found anywhere and in anyone, which the article pointed out later on.  It’s not fair to deem someone unworthy of love, simply because one does not understand or condone what another does. 

This all relates to you because I feel that I have been selfish by ignoring you and blocking you out of my life, and feeling bitter over the turn of events.  Yet, this doesn't benefit anyone.  This negativity does not help me to come to any sort of resolution, it does not make me feel like a good person for abandoning you, when I’m sure that you still struggle, as we all do, and it frustrates me that I seem to be unable to stand by my mantra of being happy with whatever makes you happy.  Now, I am giving others a second chance by letting go of my grudges, and I don’t believe that this should exclude you.

I am still uncertain of my strength and courage, being put to the test of this new, potential dynamic between us, but I need to start somewhere.