I used to just go for it when guys made flirtatious advances, like when I was at a music festival in Ireland. The guy I had just danced with asked for a peck on the cheek, but instead, turned his head for a full blown kiss on the lips, which I permitted, and reveled in the attention.
But last night at the contra dance, when a friend sneaked a kiss, I did not reciprocate. I hadn’t even been prepared to dodge it, as I had become accustomed to doing whenever he attended dances. And I was upset that the boundary of flirtation had been crossed, which I had laid out and started to explain the rationale of via online chat with him. Did he not respect me and my wishes, just as another former “friend” had demonstrated with similar, albeit recurrent behaviors, two years ago?
Once we were out of the contra line, I explained to him my reasons in greater detail, which was that after having my heart obliterated in my last relationship, I am not ready to trust anyone with it, no matter how serious or not the pursuit is, for I also can’t trust myself, since I over-analyze simple gestures and fall into romance too quickly. He understood and apologized, which I appreciated and thanked him for. Also, I realized after the fact that I had actually said “thank you,” instead of “it’s okay,” like I usually do, which always seems like I’m just dismissing something as insignificant, to which I really did take offense.
As we sat out a square dance, I divulged further the conditions of my past relationship, break-up, and “friendship,” why I became so angry with my ex recently and lashed out. I felt miserable after reopening those old wounds. I sat there thinking more on the subject, as my friend went off to dance and I munched on a cookie, which he had provided as a peace offering. I thought back to that first waltz with my ex and how, in that instant, something just clicked. It felt right to be in his arms, and I know that he had felt it too. I thought about how I hadn’t loved anyone before in the way that I had love him. It was a new feeling that was completely unnerving, but wonderful at the same time.
Yet, as I explained to my friend, as well as in a couple of posts ago, my ex has some growing up, soul-searching, and self-exploration to do. It’s even more upsetting that after all of this time, and all of the pain that he has caused, he still has a hold on me.
Furthermore, this new, unexpected approach to dealing with such flirtation/romance matters could either aid me in identifying and ignoring lustful whims, in favor of real and budding love, or it could cause me to become emotionally withdrawn, cold, and unfeeling. I am uncertain as to which path I am currently on.
This resonated with me...A LOT. As someone who experienced heartbreak a little over a year ago, I understand not being able to trust again. It's hard for me as well, which is why I've decided to take a year off from dating. Love is often like the first line in 'A Tale of Two Cities"...it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. That being said, I do still believe very strongly in love - as I blogged my experience with heartbreak here:
ReplyDeletehttp://keithawynn2011.blogspot.com/2012/03/love-never-fasils.html
I love this post - because I can identify with it.
Oh, there are plenty more posts where that came from... Eventually, I will get labels up on my main page for easier navigation to like posts.
ReplyDeleteI've been trying to get away from relationships for the past few years and take some time for myself, with little success until now. I'm more wary, but also choosier about who I want to spend my time on, someone who's worth that risk. That sounds a bit harsh, but it's best to find a good fit.
I actually did read that post the other day. The patience game is rather challenging to play. And the unknown, in general, still frustrates me at times. I just have this urge to know what lies ahead, even though I well know that's impossible.
Ah, well. I guess I'll just have to wait.
I don't think it sounds harsh at all. It's good to be choosy...after all, your heart is the most precious of gifts. Taking time for yourself is important. I think where it becomes chellenging is that people see themselves as having "weakness" or "aloneness" in being single, when in fact it's anything but.
DeleteAgreed! Oftentimes, it seems that being single is an abhorred position, in which to be, as somehow one is inadequate without meeting the societal standard of securing a companion.
ReplyDeleteOne of my friends has been in some situations, which are good examples of this. He's been single for awhile and there are times when he is out with friends, especially if it's a group of couples, that they will suggest that he should find someone or try to play matchmakers.
I find that it takes a lot of strength to be single, to be one's sole focus, and to cope with the occasional bouts of loneliness, which is why it took me so long to get to this point.