What Is Friendship?

When I think of friends, I think of my two close friends back in high school.  We were integral parts of each others' lives.  We saw each other every day, talked all the time, spent loads of time together, shared our secrets, struggles, and all of the stupid stuff.  I suppose that's the ideal that I'm trying to attain again, since I lost those friends a long time ago, due to a fight between them and me devoting nearly my entire focus to my serious boyfriend.

Realistically, I know that I will likely never again have friendships like that because life gets in the way more and more as we age.  Life was simpler in high school with only our relatively insignificant teenage problems to deal with.  This is one reason why I savor my internship time so much because it brings me back to the kinds of close friendships that I remember; since, when living and working together constantly, we have little choice, but to be totally involved in each others' lives.

Yet, ultimately, that experience comes to an end and I am brought back to reality, in which I continue to struggle to understand what friendship is.  I know that friends aren't constantly in touch with each other, but will be there when you need them most, different ones in varying situations.  I suppose keeping these instances in mind will help me to determine who really wants to continue to be my friend.  However, I still find it difficult to determine who my friends are and what everyone's levels of comfort are.  I don't care for the idea of sharing really simple things, like a detailed account of my entire day.  I probably wouldn't even want to hear about that, especially nowadays.  I enjoy philosophical discussions, but it's easier for me to write them out because I'm able to take time to think things through and organize them into something that makes sense to me, rather than resembling the jumbled in my head.  I'm aware that not everyone feels this way though, so my emails end up being monologues.

I know that people are only able to contribute what they can, and I understand and accept that.  What frustrates me is the uncertainty, when I don't know what their situations are.  I have some friends, who I rarely hear from, being busy, but I know from past personal discussions and my history with them that they truly do care.  Then, there are other people who will send me a couple of e-mails, when we're only just reconnecting or getting to know each other better for the first time; and then, I'll hear nothing from them for months, not knowing why because I don't know what's going on in their lives.  I usually end up taking it personally, assuming that they don't care or I don't fit into their schedules anymore, especially if it's been several months.  There's no way to know for sure what the deal is, unless they tell me.  Novel concept.

I try to not have such high expectations for people because it's not fair to them; and they shouldn't have to meet my standards, particularly if I don't even meet them all the time.  I'm still working on this.  And I do trust easily, unless there's really something that unsettles me about someone.  I don't like judging people outright.  Generally, it takes me a bit to warm up to new people and I do act a bit differently with different people, based on how we connect, what we connect on, how comfortable I feel with them, how our personalities fit; any number of things.  But the initial trust and openness is still there.  I don't know if it's good or bad, but it's gotten me this far.

Rethinking Worthiness of Love

Dear Friend,

As of late, you have frequently come to mind, as I remember the happy moments and the things that I loved about you, and recognize the weaknesses of our relationship, allowing me to better understand why it was not meant to be.  I also keep coming back to the question of how much I am contradicting my beliefs on love by revoking my love and support for you, as you follow your heart and do what makes you happy.  For a time, it was understandable.  I needed to take several steps back, reflect, let go, and take care of myself, which I initially could not seem to do while still being a part of your life. 

However, this question became even more poignant yesterday.  First, I faced a birthday party invitation from an estranged relative, who no one in the family, except her own children, on occasion, has spoken to in about fifteen years.  I was still young then, and wasn’t hugely involved with or affected by this separation, and yet, I held a grudge against her simply because others did, following their experiences with her.  Within the past year, she seems to be trying to make an effort to reach out through holiday and birthday cards, which she hasn’t sent in all these years.  I wonder if she is turning over a new leaf and wanting to reconnect with family, having learned a lesson that life is lonely without these loving relationships.  I find myself pitying her situation, or at least what I perceive it to be.  I want to open myself up to her and give her a chance.

Later that day, I was reading an article, which addressed how we often hold our own ideas and beliefs in such high regards that we tend to look down upon and severely judge those who have dissimilar views or are struggling with something that we label as inherently bad.  The article was primarily directed at the pretentiousness that religion can incite, so that such religious and spiritual individuals are only capable of acting with kindness and love towards people like them.  But this can be found anywhere and in anyone, which the article pointed out later on.  It’s not fair to deem someone unworthy of love, simply because one does not understand or condone what another does. 

This all relates to you because I feel that I have been selfish by ignoring you and blocking you out of my life, and feeling bitter over the turn of events.  Yet, this doesn't benefit anyone.  This negativity does not help me to come to any sort of resolution, it does not make me feel like a good person for abandoning you, when I’m sure that you still struggle, as we all do, and it frustrates me that I seem to be unable to stand by my mantra of being happy with whatever makes you happy.  Now, I am giving others a second chance by letting go of my grudges, and I don’t believe that this should exclude you.

I am still uncertain of my strength and courage, being put to the test of this new, potential dynamic between us, but I need to start somewhere. 

Broadening Horizons

Dear Friend,

I wouldn't say that any single culture is solely responsible for harboring individuals, who are full of themselves and narrow-minded. There are lots of people like that out in the world and, perhaps, we notice it more in the cultural group, to which we belong. This is also partly why I typically don't hold Americans in very high regards, since there seems to be a prescribed way to do things, to feel, to behave, and anything different is wrong within this society. Although, maybe this is a stereotype that I've formed based on my limited life experiences and the media's portrayal of American culture, or at least, how they think it should be.

Then, perhaps, I am just as narrow-minded as those, who I am condemning, as I refuse to be open to their beliefs and ideas about the way things should be because there isn't just one way.  I try to stop and think about these things when I find myself being overly judgmental.  I find that, usually, when I am judging something or someone most intensely, it is because I have a similar flaw within myself, upon which I need to improve.  I still struggle with this though, as we humans have this strong desire to define and classify what is right and wrong; valiantly upholding the right and harshly condemning the wrong, not allowing room for a middle ground.

Yet, I do believe that there is truth to the idea that traveling broadens one's horizons and opens one's mind to alternative ways of thinking and living.  We are allowing ourselves to grow and learn.  Whether we know it or not, we are changing during this travel time, so that we are no longer the same individuals upon our return home, where, generally, all remains the same.  However, in any kind of relationship, the parties involved need to grow together, in order for it to continue to work, otherwise it becomes stagnant and unhealthy.  The latter is often how I feel when I return home, as if I need to fit myself back into the Ann mold that exists here in this environment.  But it doesn't work very well and I end up finding myself miserable and unmotivated.  I'm not living for the same things as I was when I was off in the world and I find it difficult to change my outlook, change my environment.  Perhaps, one day, I will come to appreciate home for what it is and not what I expect it to be.

Maybe in our little community in British Columbia, we all shared that traveling mentality, which allowed us to be more open, accepting, and inviting.  I do think that the small, personal communities of individuals make a difference in feeling a sense of unity and belonging.  Our commonalities, as well as our differences, bring us together.  Not to mention, in an environment where we are confronted with the same individuals on a day-to-day basis in work and home life, we have the opportunity to become closer and more connected.  This is one of the things that I really love about internships, developing a close-knit community.  Unfortunately, outside of that environment, life tends to take its toll and distance can overcome these connections, since one is no longer able to interact with those individuals in the same way.  Also, as we get older, life gets in the way, and we tend to focus only on ourselves and individuals in our immediate surroundings.

It's not ridiculous to feel the way that you do or to have experienced so much love from an unfamiliar group of individuals.  Anything is possible.  I do remember in one of our first conversations when you said that you didn't trust people very readily and generally had your guard up.  I'm so happy that we all helped to restore a bit of your faith in humanity and recognize that there are trustworthy people, who are also capable of much love, caring, and support.  I hope that you continue to find this in life.