To Friend or Not To Friend

Flashback to...10 January 2010

I’ve decided to drop this friend, not that he’ll even realize it or care.  I do recognize that my own lack of control, clinginess, and emotional confusion played a significant role in the romantic situations and the awkward ones afterwards that we encountered, as well as the development, or lack thereof, of our friendship.  Yet, I also feel that a true friend would not take advantage of a situation, in which I am vulnerable and baring the contents of my heart and soul. 

Both of us could have made our intentions clearer in the beginning, although, I think he understood what I meant and used it to his own advantage in the moment.  Granted, he never lied about anything or buttered me up, so that I would be willing to do anything he wanted, as the contra dancer (from a few posting ago) was likely doing.  But, it’s still not right.  And how could I ever trust him with anything else, especially since I want to have deep, meaningful connections with my friends?  I would have to pick and choose what to share with him, not knowing what information he might use for his own benefit.  This is so sad. 

Typically, my instinct is to trust people, with whom I seem to connect or have friendly interactions, but those cannot be indicators for how honest, trustworthy, compassionate, or respectful they are, especially since everyone is looking out for their own self-interest.  It’s too easy to break someone’s trust when you’re so focused on what you want.  That sounds very familiar... 

I don’t want to be like that.  I want people to trust me, and I will work towards that.  As far as trusting others goes, I should still give them the benefit of the doubt, but I think I need to set up some boundaries to protect myself that will gradually come down as true friendship and trust develops.  I’m not sure how to measure that, though, or how to read people.  I suppose, as long as I know what I’m looking for in a friendship, and can identify my limitations and recognize red flag behaviors in myself and others, based on my past failed experiences, then I should be successful.  I need to know what I want and stick to it.  I must look out for my own self-interest because no one else is going to.