Losing Myself

This marks the beginning of a flashback series to 2010, beginning with my first piece of writing from that year.  I will provide a brief synopsis of the background. 

I had decided in the fall of 2009 that my departure for volunteer work in Ireland in the spring would signify the end of my year and a half long polyamorous relationship.  I felt like I was going in a different direction from my boyfriend and his other girlfriend, that I had grown and learned as much as I could from them and our relationship at this point in my life, and that I could best determine the course of my life on my own. 

During that same fall, I fell in love with contra dancing.  I also met a smooth talking, passionate dancer, who seemed to have swept me off my feet, and helped to lead me astray from my intention to be on my own.  Over the course of a couple of months, we kept in contact, met at dances, and occasionally visited each other, as we lived a state apart.  On the last of these fateful visits, we kissed.  I was losing my direction and my boyfriend felt incredibly betrayed, which ended the relationship ahead of schedule.

And this is where January 2010 picks up...

Flashback to...5 January 2010

I need to rebuild my strength, and I shouldn’t worry about offending him.  I need to look out for my best interests and not let him try to mold and shape me into who he wants me to be.  Someday the future that he painted will be lovely, but not now.  If Friday’s talk doesn’t go well and I feel like he is incapable of respecting me, my wishes, my space, my struggle, then I won’t visit him on Monday. 

I’ve told him too much.  He knows that I’m weak and insecure, which he can use to his advantage.  How can one trust a womanizer with a woman, with her feelings, with her self-respect?  I don’t want to be another notch in his belt, another conquest.  Yet, he can easily use sweet words to cover that up.  I promised my ex to consider my situation and the consequences extra carefully for my sake and the sake of our friendship because he can’t stand to see me put myself through this again.

I still keep over-considering others and allowing them to do the things that make them happy, all the while thinking that it makes me happy too.  Or my stance becomes that it’s not a big deal, or that I can deal with it.  I should be certain of what I want and stand by it, and not allow myself to be persuaded.  I have to try to balance my own interests with being open-minded.  What I have had with him thus far has been way too intimate to be considered friendship.  What I need right now is a real friend, not a fling, not a relationship, not whatever this has been.  If he can’t respect and support me in this, instead of being so focused on his own interests involving me, then I don’t think we can be friends.

Later that day...

So we can’t be friends.  I kind of figured he wouldn’t be willing to compromise what he wants, so that we could be friends.  I told him that I wanted to set stricter boundaries, that I can’t deal with a “friendship” like this right now, and that the groping, caressing, cuddling, kissing is confusing.  I was worried about leading him on, but I was led on too.  He sees where I stand as being unwilling to compromise and wanting to restrict him.  It was easy for him to drop me, so I guess my friendship wasn’t worth that much to him. 

But, I stuck up for myself.  I did what I wanted, what I needed.  I can’t please everyone, and it’s not my responsibility to keep everyone happy.  He deleted my number and severed our Facebook friendship immediately, yet insisted on continuing the conversation via impersonal texting.  This was from the guy, who allegedly prefers to discuss struggles in person, instead of over the phone. 

In addition, he wants to keep me away from contra dancing in Greenfield.  He has claimed this space as his own and doesn’t want to see me there.  I don’t want to give in and let him control what I do.  He contends that by not going to the contra dances, which he is at, I am respecting his boundaries.  That’s just ludicrous.  He’s spiteful because I won’t allow him to do whatever he wants.  I can certainly respect his boundaries, but he is obviously unable to respect mine.  Even after all that talk about not abandoning me, he did anyways; unwilling to try, work harder, compromise.  He would only stick with me as long as it was convenient and advantageous for him. 

I’m fortunate to have gotten out of whatever this was now, before I really lost myself.