I need to get away from home. There are too many reminders, too many memories. I find myself being drawn back into the hurt, the longing, and the hope, which really doesn’t exist. I have my good days and my bad days, but I’m often finding myself overwhelmed by my emotions, causing me to retreat inside of myself, once again, in the hope that isolation and wallowing in self-pity will yield healing. But it doesn’t.
I can’t talk to him about this because it’s not fair to him. It’s not his problem. We’re not in a relationship anymore and this is my own burden to bear, my own emotional hurdle to overcome. It’s not fair to bring him down with me, when all he did was what was right for himself. I also can’t blame him for our past relationship problems because I should have addressed them in the moment when they were relevant. There is nothing to learn from reopening old wounds, especially if he has forgotten them or never even affected by them. It would only cause further pain, renewed resentment, and hostility.
Yet, how can I cast my feelings aside when I interact with him? I feel like I’m lying, pretending that all is well, as if I have completely let go. I don’t feel like I gave the impression of that in my e-mail, in which I sought to reestablish our friendship, as I concluded with my uncertainty of being strong enough to handle this, and figured that I needed to start somewhere. Perhaps, that’s what it is to be a friend, to put all of your own issues aside, so that you can be present, and offer your undivided attention and full support to your friend. I make a point to have limited communication with him for these reasons, and hopefully, he knows that he can contact me if he’s in need. I also hope that, if that time comes, I will be able to set my feelings aside and just be his friend.
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