As of late, you have frequently come to mind, as I remember the happy moments and the things that I loved about you, and recognize the weaknesses of our relationship, allowing me to better understand why it was not meant to be. I also keep coming back to the question of how much I am contradicting my beliefs on love by revoking my love and support for you, as you follow your heart and do what makes you happy. For a time, it was understandable. I needed to take several steps back, reflect, let go, and take care of myself, which I initially could not seem to do while still being a part of your life.
However, this question became even more poignant yesterday. First, I faced a birthday party invitation from an estranged relative, who no one in the family, except her own children, on occasion, has spoken to in about fifteen years. I was still young then, and wasn’t hugely involved with or affected by this separation, and yet, I held a grudge against her simply because others did, following their experiences with her. Within the past year, she seems to be trying to make an effort to reach out through holiday and birthday cards, which she hasn’t sent in all these years. I wonder if she is turning over a new leaf and wanting to reconnect with family, having learned a lesson that life is lonely without these loving relationships. I find myself pitying her situation, or at least what I perceive it to be. I want to open myself up to her and give her a chance.
Later that day, I was reading an article, which addressed how we often hold our own ideas and beliefs in such high regards that we tend to look down upon and severely judge those who have dissimilar views or are struggling with something that we label as inherently bad. The article was primarily directed at the pretentiousness that religion can incite, so that such religious and spiritual individuals are only capable of acting with kindness and love towards people like them. But this can be found anywhere and in anyone, which the article pointed out later on. It’s not fair to deem someone unworthy of love, simply because one does not understand or condone what another does.
This all relates to you because I feel that I have been selfish by ignoring you and blocking you out of my life, and feeling bitter over the turn of events. Yet, this doesn't benefit anyone. This negativity does not help me to come to any sort of resolution, it does not make me feel like a good person for abandoning you, when I’m sure that you still struggle, as we all do, and it frustrates me that I seem to be unable to stand by my mantra of being happy with whatever makes you happy. Now, I am giving others a second chance by letting go of my grudges, and I don’t believe that this should exclude you.
I am still uncertain of my strength and courage, being put to the test of this new, potential dynamic between us, but I need to start somewhere.
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