Uncovering the Past

My grandparents on their wedding day

Several years ago, I began to wonder about my heritage.  My father’s mother had already traced his family’s lineage back to the time of the Pilgrims, so that she could attain membership to the Daughters of the American Revolution organization.  I have bound copies of her findings, which I scanned through at that time, and found to be quite interesting. 

My mother’s family lineage is another story.  We know that her grandparents, my great-grandparents, immigrated to the United States from Poland.  Her parents, both of Polish descent, were born and married here.  As a result, she is a full-blooded Pole, and I am half-Polish.  Yet, in spite of this strong blood connection to the culture, we know little about it or, even our more recent ancestors, their lives and circumstances. To further complicate things, of my grandparents’ generation, there is only one survivor left, whose memory
                                                                  continues to fade with age. 

My great-grandparents (grandfather's parents) on their wedding day (left)

Still, I had this urge to know, to learn, from where I came.  I started my initial search by utilizing the free two week trial from Ancestry.com.  I found the sheer number of available documents and routes to take overwhelming, and this feeling was compounded by the fact that, with all of the similar names of Polish immigrants in Massachusetts and the likelihood of significant name changes, I could not be sure who was actually an ancestor of mine.  It also did not help in trying to differentiate among individuals, when neither I nor my mother knew the first name of her mother’s father or the maiden name of her father’s mother.  Birth dates and death dates were obscure, and much of this common, critical data, which we take for granted may have been incorrectly recorded, due to the language barrier, since, I believe, none of my great-grandparents spoke English, fibbing about their ages, or, perhaps, simply not knowing.  Thus, the two week trial period concluded my first attempt at genealogy research with little to show for my efforts.

Recently, I have returned to this question with renewed determination to uncover some answers into the past.  My thought the other day was to go back to the basics, mapping out all of the known individuals of my Polish family tree and noting any bits of information that might help me to discover links to more distant relatives.  I’ve figured that if information regarding my great-grandparents is too sparse or inconclusive to locate key documents or relations, then, perhaps, I may accomplish this in a more round-about way through my grandparents and their siblings, especially since my mother has a greater knowledge pertaining to them. 

I’ve also found other useful resources this time around, including the Bible, in which my mother, and presumably her mother, retained obituaries and memorial prayer cards of family and close friends.  It was in the pages of this book that I spotted the obituary my grandfather’s mother, containing her lost maiden name.  From these clippings, I recorded all the names, dates, ages, places of residence and birth, and children’s names of my grandparents’ and great-grandparents’ generation that I could, even if I already had the information stashed in my binder.  I didn’t want to miss anything. 

In addition, through Family Search and Census Finder, I have found links, to U.S. Census records; however, these censuses are not free for public access online from 1930 and upwards.  I’m hoping that I may have better luck with accessing key documents at the Springfield Massachusetts Family History Center that I stumbled upon in Ludlow, of all places, about a twenty minute drive from home.  The hours are limited, as it is only open on Tuesdays and Wednesdays.  Unfortunately, since I am working both of those days this week, I will have to wait until next week to explore the documents and services offered there.

For more specific information regarding Polish genealogy, the Polish Consulate in the U.S. doesn’t offer any kind of services or assistance with such research, but its website does provide links to other resources.  It is recommended to contact local historical societies, the U.S.National Archives and Records Service, and the genealogical division of the Library of Congress, the latter two being located in Washington, D.C.  The Polish Consulate also suggests sending a request for information directly to the Polish National Archives, but one must first determine, in which country their town of origin now resides, since the country has undergone so many divisions over the course of its troubled history.  Through the Consulate’s website, I also linked to a Polish digital Archival Internet Forum, which may be promising, but I have yet to explore it.

Celtic Wisdom

Recently, I finished reading Anam Ċara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom by John O’Donohue.  I loved that book.  The author had some wonderful insights, and he managed to relate ancient knowledge to considering and remedying the worries and cares of the modern world, the present-day individual.  I will share a few quotes on love and the "soul friend" that really resonated with me...

"There is a lovely idea in the Celtic tradition that if you send out goodness from yourself, or if you share that which is happy or good within you, it will all come back to you multiplied ten thousand times.  In the kingdom of love there is no competition; there is no possessiveness or control.  The more love you give away, the more love you will have." (35-6)

"You can never love another person unless you are equally involved in the beautiful but difficult spiritual work of learning to love yourself." (26)

"When you fall in love, common sense, rationality, and your normal serious, reserved, and respectable persona dissolve.  Suddenly you are like an adolescent again; there is new fire in your life.  You become revitalized.  Where there is no passion, your soul is either asleep or absent.  When your passion awakens, your soul becomes young and free and dances again." (20)

"The greatest gift new love brings into your life is the awakening to the hidden love within.  This makes you independent.  You are now able to come close to the other, not out of need or with the wearying apparatus of projection, but out of genuine intimacy, affinity, and belonging.  It is a freedom.  Love should make you free." (27) 

"One of the most precious things you should always preserve in a friendship and in love is your own difference...Often in a relationship there can be a subtle homogenizing force, which is destructive.  The irony is that it is usually the difference between people that makes one person attractive to another." (28-9)

"Two people who love each other should never feel called to explain to an outside party why they love each other, or why it is that they belong together...Their souls know why they are together; and they should trust that togetherness." (34)

"...”relationship” has become an empty center around which our lonely hunger forages for warmth and belonging.  Much of the public language of intimacy is hollow, and its incessant repetition only betrays the complete absence of intimacy.  Real intimacy is a sacred experience.  It never exposes its secret trust and belonging to the voyeuristic eye of a neon culture.  Real intimacy is of the soul, and the soul is reserved." (17)

"No one can hurt you as deeply as the one you love.  When you allow the Other inside your life, you leave yourself open...Every friendship travels at sometime through the black valley of despair.  This tests every aspect of your affection...If you can come through this time, it can purify your love, and falsity and need will fall away.  It will bring you onto new ground where affection can grow again." (12)

What Kind of a Friend Am I?

Flashback to...10 January 2010

How good of a friend am I?  I wonder about whom my true friends are, who’s there for me during the hard times.  Yet, I’m not always there for my friends either.  There are occasions, when I’m at the right place at the right time or I make a focused effort to be there for support.  But also, when I learn about tragic news on Facebook, I may make a comment and do little else to reach out. 

So perhaps, the nature of my friendships is reflective of my own efforts and capabilities as a friend.  I get what I give.  Hopefully, my goal to stay connected to friends will help me to develop better relationships with them and into the kind of friend that I want to be.  Perhaps, this is also why I end up seeking out or falling into the romantic relationships and intimate scenarios that I do, as I am trying to establish deep, meaningful connections with individuals.

To Friend or Not To Friend

Flashback to...10 January 2010

I’ve decided to drop this friend, not that he’ll even realize it or care.  I do recognize that my own lack of control, clinginess, and emotional confusion played a significant role in the romantic situations and the awkward ones afterwards that we encountered, as well as the development, or lack thereof, of our friendship.  Yet, I also feel that a true friend would not take advantage of a situation, in which I am vulnerable and baring the contents of my heart and soul. 

Both of us could have made our intentions clearer in the beginning, although, I think he understood what I meant and used it to his own advantage in the moment.  Granted, he never lied about anything or buttered me up, so that I would be willing to do anything he wanted, as the contra dancer (from a few posting ago) was likely doing.  But, it’s still not right.  And how could I ever trust him with anything else, especially since I want to have deep, meaningful connections with my friends?  I would have to pick and choose what to share with him, not knowing what information he might use for his own benefit.  This is so sad. 

Typically, my instinct is to trust people, with whom I seem to connect or have friendly interactions, but those cannot be indicators for how honest, trustworthy, compassionate, or respectful they are, especially since everyone is looking out for their own self-interest.  It’s too easy to break someone’s trust when you’re so focused on what you want.  That sounds very familiar... 

I don’t want to be like that.  I want people to trust me, and I will work towards that.  As far as trusting others goes, I should still give them the benefit of the doubt, but I think I need to set up some boundaries to protect myself that will gradually come down as true friendship and trust develops.  I’m not sure how to measure that, though, or how to read people.  I suppose, as long as I know what I’m looking for in a friendship, and can identify my limitations and recognize red flag behaviors in myself and others, based on my past failed experiences, then I should be successful.  I need to know what I want and stick to it.  I must look out for my own self-interest because no one else is going to.

Holding My Own

Flashback to...6 January 2010

How can I not be persuaded when someone offers a convincing argument that I can’t solidly counter?  The best rebuttal I have sometimes is that it just seems to be the best option for myself.  Even then, how can I convince another of that when they can’t truly see the situation through my eyes, feel how I feel, think as I think?

So I am persuaded by another’s logic, which may to suggest to others that I am capable of considering and accepting their opinions and that I am just as logical as they are.  I think it just boils down to my worry of others will think of me, as well as my desire to put others’ interests before my own.  That’s a dangerous combination. 

Just because an argument is convincing or logical doesn’t make it right.  It’s too easy for people to twist the facts or interpret them in a way that makes their opinion seem right and true.  We can agree to disagree.  Debates will not always be resolved, or at least not in a single discussion.  I need to hold my ground and not allow my beliefs, feelings, and ideas to waiver, simply because another sees things differently and can clearly verbalize their thoughts.

New York City Musings

Yesterday, I caught the first bus to New York City to pay a visit to the Polish Consulate.  I will explain more on why I was there at a later date.  While I was waiting, I felt slightly overwhelmed by the constant chatter from the line of people that extended onto the sidewalk because I had not a clue as to what they were saying to each other.  I didn’t even have a general idea regarding the topics of conversation, like I sometimes can with Spanish, as I will recognize a handful of words, which help to piece the puzzle together.  Yet, I have learned relatively few words and phrases through my Polish audio lessons, thus far, and, as a result, I was only able to pick out about three or four words, never mind guessing at content.

I feared attempting to make use of my few phrases, as I worried that they might not get the hint that I only fully grasp the English language and would continue trying to speak to me in Polish, or that I would face ridicule for my ignorance.  In hindsight, these were rather irrational fears, but they were fears, nonetheless, which caused me to keep to myself and speak only in my native tongue, when I absolutely had to. 

And that was just an isolated location in a city dominated by English-speakers!  I worry what my response might be to a situation, in which I am the minority, socially isolated by the barrier of language.  I wouldn’t be able to just walk a few blocks in any direction, so that I might be comforted by the sound of familiar words.  Perhaps, this is just another one of my comfort zones that I need to break through, and further learn to cope with the element of uncertainty and the fact that I cannot know everything.

After this, I discovered Bryant Park, which is more like a rectangular area of concrete with some small trees and shrubbery planted in mulched soil, and scattered about the grounds.  Yet, it was still a lovely reprieve from hurriedness and traffic of the nearby streets.  Several box shaped stores were open on the property, selling a variety of products from coffee to pickles to winter clothing accessories.  I weaved among these little shops and the many iron patio sets, and on to the center of the park, which was void of tree cover and featured an ice-skating rink.  There seemed to be a set capacity for the rink and time allotments, as there was a long line of patrons waiting to enter the facility to get suited up.  I found a cozy table in the warm sunlight and read a book for awhile, all bundled in my winter gear, as there was still a chill in the air. 

Later, as I was wandering back to the Port Authority Bus Station, I stumbled upon Times Square with all of its flashy advertisements and television screens.  I meandered along the blue road, designated for pedestrian traffic, amazed at how I never realized for how many blocks Times Square extended.  As I waited at a corner for traffic to go by, I heard the distant sound of some sort of folk music.  I identified the source to be a live band, diagonally across from where I stood.  Their music had a Hispanic/Latin beat, but I could not place it into a specific genre with my limited knowledge of cultural music.  The band’s wind instrumentalist had a case full of wooden pipes, which he swapped in between and during songs for varying effects.

As I wandered, I also thought of what it might be like to live in such a large metropolitan area.  It would be an interesting experience for a time, but I believe that I would generally be unhappy, being so isolated from nature with massive man-made structures looming overhead and enveloped by a sense of loneliness in such inescapable anonymity. 

My thoughts then turned on the bus ride home to how it feels that I have led two vastly different lives, the crossover of which is rather unidentifiable.  In childhood, I was so socially isolated.  I vacationed with my family to big cities, stayed in hotels, and went shopping. I often dined in restaurants on the weekends and indulged in fast food at least once a week.  I regularly attended rock concerts and theater performances.  Yet, now, I prefer the country.  I have a more nature-oriented, holistic approach to life, and try my best to maintain a healthy lifestyle.  I take risks, pushing my comfort zone, yet keep a close eye on where my money goes.  It’s fascinating how drastically my personality, my goals, my values seem to have changed over the years; however, I suppose I am really the same person underneath it all, just coming into my own.

Reconnecting

Flashback to...6 January 2010

It felt so good to reconnect with my friend.  To have girl time; talk, laugh, share.  It’s easy to open up to her.  She’s very accepting and willing to open up to me as well.  I’ve been missing my friends.  I realize that they can’t always be there for me, but I’m certainly learning who I can count on when it hits the fan.  She has offered me a place to stay if I ever need it and to go visit her friends in Wisconsin this summer.  We’ll see where I’m at.  What a wonderful way to start the day!  She’s working on herself too.  She knows how to be independent.  She wants to heal herself.  She can face challenges head on, accept whatever happens, and look at struggles as opportunities.

Losing Myself

This marks the beginning of a flashback series to 2010, beginning with my first piece of writing from that year.  I will provide a brief synopsis of the background. 

I had decided in the fall of 2009 that my departure for volunteer work in Ireland in the spring would signify the end of my year and a half long polyamorous relationship.  I felt like I was going in a different direction from my boyfriend and his other girlfriend, that I had grown and learned as much as I could from them and our relationship at this point in my life, and that I could best determine the course of my life on my own. 

During that same fall, I fell in love with contra dancing.  I also met a smooth talking, passionate dancer, who seemed to have swept me off my feet, and helped to lead me astray from my intention to be on my own.  Over the course of a couple of months, we kept in contact, met at dances, and occasionally visited each other, as we lived a state apart.  On the last of these fateful visits, we kissed.  I was losing my direction and my boyfriend felt incredibly betrayed, which ended the relationship ahead of schedule.

And this is where January 2010 picks up...

Flashback to...5 January 2010

I need to rebuild my strength, and I shouldn’t worry about offending him.  I need to look out for my best interests and not let him try to mold and shape me into who he wants me to be.  Someday the future that he painted will be lovely, but not now.  If Friday’s talk doesn’t go well and I feel like he is incapable of respecting me, my wishes, my space, my struggle, then I won’t visit him on Monday. 

I’ve told him too much.  He knows that I’m weak and insecure, which he can use to his advantage.  How can one trust a womanizer with a woman, with her feelings, with her self-respect?  I don’t want to be another notch in his belt, another conquest.  Yet, he can easily use sweet words to cover that up.  I promised my ex to consider my situation and the consequences extra carefully for my sake and the sake of our friendship because he can’t stand to see me put myself through this again.

I still keep over-considering others and allowing them to do the things that make them happy, all the while thinking that it makes me happy too.  Or my stance becomes that it’s not a big deal, or that I can deal with it.  I should be certain of what I want and stand by it, and not allow myself to be persuaded.  I have to try to balance my own interests with being open-minded.  What I have had with him thus far has been way too intimate to be considered friendship.  What I need right now is a real friend, not a fling, not a relationship, not whatever this has been.  If he can’t respect and support me in this, instead of being so focused on his own interests involving me, then I don’t think we can be friends.

Later that day...

So we can’t be friends.  I kind of figured he wouldn’t be willing to compromise what he wants, so that we could be friends.  I told him that I wanted to set stricter boundaries, that I can’t deal with a “friendship” like this right now, and that the groping, caressing, cuddling, kissing is confusing.  I was worried about leading him on, but I was led on too.  He sees where I stand as being unwilling to compromise and wanting to restrict him.  It was easy for him to drop me, so I guess my friendship wasn’t worth that much to him. 

But, I stuck up for myself.  I did what I wanted, what I needed.  I can’t please everyone, and it’s not my responsibility to keep everyone happy.  He deleted my number and severed our Facebook friendship immediately, yet insisted on continuing the conversation via impersonal texting.  This was from the guy, who allegedly prefers to discuss struggles in person, instead of over the phone. 

In addition, he wants to keep me away from contra dancing in Greenfield.  He has claimed this space as his own and doesn’t want to see me there.  I don’t want to give in and let him control what I do.  He contends that by not going to the contra dances, which he is at, I am respecting his boundaries.  That’s just ludicrous.  He’s spiteful because I won’t allow him to do whatever he wants.  I can certainly respect his boundaries, but he is obviously unable to respect mine.  Even after all that talk about not abandoning me, he did anyways; unwilling to try, work harder, compromise.  He would only stick with me as long as it was convenient and advantageous for him. 

I’m fortunate to have gotten out of whatever this was now, before I really lost myself. 

International Cell Phones

For my past two internship trips, I have relied on pay phones and the generosity of employees at various business establishments, in order to stay connected with my current employer, while in transit.  This method has worked well enough; however, in considering the extent of travel that I will be undertaking in the near future, I decided that purchasing a cell phone would be a better, safer, and more convenient option. 

Unfortunately, it took me a few days to sort through the overwhelming amount of information online and the abundance of available products from which to choose.  Afterwards, I only felt slightly more confident in my choice than I did when I first started looking because I won’t know how well my chosen phone and service work until I am actually overseas.  It makes me nervous that I won’t be able to do much about a dysfunctional cell phone in the midst of my travels.  I’ll let you know how it goes, but in the meantime, this is what I’ve learned that actually helped me to arrive at a decision.

If you already have a cell phone that you use in the U.S., you might be able to use it in foreign countries as well.  However, you should check with your cell phone provider to determine if this is actually possible before you hop on that plane.  Also, there are two important factors that you need to keep in mind, when considering this option.  Firstly, just like our system of measurements, our cell phone frequency is different from that of the rest of the world, so a cell phone from a U.S. provider might be overloaded by this change.  Secondly, your phone must be “unlocked”, or capable of being opened, in order to switch out your SIM card with one that accommodates the region of the globe, to which you will be traveling.  You also might want to find out what extra charges and fees you will incur by using your cell phone outside of your service area.

For international cell phones, the two internet resources that I found most useful were the Better Business Bureau, which offers unbiased analysis and reviews of companies, and the International Cell Phone Guide, which provides a comparison of the main service providers and demonstrates how to choose the features that best fit your travel needs.  These websites were truly invaluable, as I don’t trust the sincerity of the testimonials that companies have posted from “customers” on their own websites.  These reviews are typically overly positive, and seem to lack unbiased opinions.  Instead, I did a Google search for customer reviews on specific service providers, which led me to the above-mentioned websites, as well as travel advice sites, such as Frommer’s and Trip Advisor, which I felt to be more insightful information from the experiences of real, objective customers.  However, no company is ever going to be perfect and it becomes difficult to determine which one is worth the risk.

The International Cell Phone Guide really breaks things down and explains what it calls the “five areas of differences” that will aid you in identifying the best fit.  These include rental or purchase, local or global SIM card, pre-pay or post-pay billing, call-back or direct-dial service, and SIM card only or SIM card and handset.  Each section has its own chart to compare differences, and there is also a chart and web diagram with the overall comparisons, which are visual tools that I found far more useful than all of the other written information that I had previously located. 

The only factor that this guide doesn’t delve into much is price, so you’ll have to do this on your own.  For example, a cell phone and SIM card package deal may be slightly cheaper from one provider to another for a similar coverage area, but its calling rates might be higher.  Oftentimes, this is justified by a provider’s ability to offer better quality and more reliable service to its customers compared to its competitors, but again, we don’t really know for sure until we have experienced it for ourselves, or at least are acquainted with someone who has used that provider.  Another pricing issue to watch for is whether or not you need to pay to keep your cell phone number and service active, when you’re not traveling, so be careful to read between the lines when you are seriously considering a specific provider.

I hope that this information will prove to be useful and, perhaps, make your travel planning slightly less stressful!

The Power of Folk Music

The music was incredibly uplifting, the vocals stirred my soul, the lyrics shaped stories and divulged fantasies.  The melodies of keyboard, bass, drums, guitar, banjo, mandolin, and stomp boxes blended together effortlessly, as if one instrument, weaving the stories together and flawlessly bridging the gaps between songs.  Even in the brief silences, the music still reverberated in my core.

From the moment Hoots and Hellmouth took the stage on Thursday night and played the first few bars of music, something struck me as being different.  It took me awhile to locate the most fitting descriptive word off of the top of my head: polished.  But not polished in a negative way, as the continuation of their set proved.  It felt like there was order, a purpose and a place for every note, every chord, every beat of the drum, every strum of the guitar, every hum, every hoot.  It was incredibly professional, flowing, captivating, as if even every song had its special nook in the set, its role in the development of the southern dream world that they were spinning for the audience. 

The spell was never once broken, as they often built upon melodies in between songs, like they were meant to connect in just that way, while cleverly disguising any tuning that a band member needed to perform on his instrument.  Although, I could not be certain if any tuning actually took place, as the transitions were that flawless and such actions so discrete.  Even the bad jokes failed to break the spell, perhaps even enhancing it, as it gave the show a homier feel to it, as if conversing among friends at an intimate coffee house gig.

It was such a stark difference to their performance at Pearl Street Nightclub last year, in which there seemed to be more power and energy, or at least of a different sort.  Then, their sound was rawer and rougher.  The feet pounding on the stomp boxes seemed to command the crowd, building the energy and intensity in a kind of primal sense, similar to the powerful, assertive beats of a drum circle.  So there was a noticeable change compared to Thursday’s performance: a newly developed sound, a new groove.

I had only two qualms with this musical event.  One was that the drums drowned out the rough and raw beats of the stomp boxes, which was disappointing because this was one of their original charms for me.  Perhaps, they could be distinguished underneath it all and were simply better blended with the music, but I could not pick them out with my untrained ear.  Secondly, while the coffee house atmosphere was quite mellow and intimate, there were some songs that required and deserved far more jumping and jiving than one could accomplish in a seated position.  Unfortunately, the Iron Horse Music Hall does not accommodate for dancing and the few, who were brave enough to get up to sway and bounce about, were essentially banished to the corner by the entry way.  Otherwise, the floors were littered with tables and chairs, seemingly to discourage any real engagement with the music.

Overall, it was a wonderful show and I smiled inwardly all the way home, high on life and happy to be alive, to be in this present moment.