Reuniting with an Old Friend

I set out with my friends and a birding acquaintance of theirs to northeastern Massachusetts, so that we might get a glimpse of the reported rarities and, for us, being from a land-locked part of the state, the equally obscure coastal birds.  We witnessed some beautiful birds, including the west-coast Townsend’s warbler, a lost Cassin’s kingbird, which should be in Mexico right now, an elegant great blue heron, and the strange-looking surf and white-winged scoters.  The hotspot for observing the coastal birds on our trip was the Park River National Wildlife Refuge on Plum Island, for which we bundled up to keep the chill of the frigid sea wind at bay. 

I strolled along the boardwalk, whose construction seemed to match that of the steady rise and fall of the sand dunes over which it was built.  As I neared the end of the boardwalk, I kept pausing to stand on my tip-toes and peer over the last row of sand dunes in anxious anticipation of the sight of the vast, blue ocean.  Finally, I saw it, but only a slight glimpse.  My heart skipped a beat; I felt like a kid in a candy store, exhilarated over what was at last within my grasp.  In between my last few peeps over the dunes, I jogged to the end of the boardwalk, past the birders on the landing, and down the sand-covered stairs.  I could barely contain my excitement with a broad smile stretched from ear to ear, as I stumbled through the shifting sand. 

As I approached the compacted, ocean swept stretch of the beach, I slowed my pace and heartily greeted my long-lost friend.  I stood as close as I dared to the incoming surf, inhaling that brisk, salty air and allowing the power of the wind and waves to reinvigorate my soul.  I fancied the waves instigating a chase, as they crashed into the shore and the bubbling, white foam glided up the beach towards my feet.  Instead of permitting such an attack, I crouched down just out of reach, and extended my arm to gently caress my friend, letting it know that I’m here, that I care, that it’s been missed.

With no end in sight over the horizon, the great, expansive ocean always serves as a reminder to me how insignificant myself and humanity, in general, are, and how mysterious life can be, full of secrets and unknowns.  Yet, there is a beauty in it that extends to humanity and to life itself, which trumps the negative that we might find in them.  It opens our eyes to the endless possibilities and the wonder of uncertainty; it humbles us.  I find the ocean to be inspiring and revitalizing, seeming to change who I am and how I reflect upon this life.  And so, once again, I long to be reunited with that friend, which has so dramatically affected me and changed my frame of mind, my outlook on life.

Pushing the Pain Aside

I need to get away from home.  There are too many reminders, too many memories.  I find myself being drawn back into the hurt, the longing, and the hope, which really doesn’t exist.  I have my good days and my bad days, but I’m often finding myself overwhelmed by my emotions, causing me to retreat inside of myself, once again, in the hope that isolation and wallowing in self-pity will yield healing.  But it doesn’t. 

I can’t talk to him about this because it’s not fair to him.  It’s not his problem.  We’re not in a relationship anymore and this is my own burden to bear, my own emotional hurdle to overcome.  It’s not fair to bring him down with me, when all he did was what was right for himself.  I also can’t blame him for our past relationship problems because I should have addressed them in the moment when they were relevant.  There is nothing to learn from reopening old wounds, especially if he has forgotten them or never even affected by them.  It would only cause further pain, renewed resentment, and hostility. 

Yet, how can I cast my feelings aside when I interact with him?  I feel like I’m lying, pretending that all is well, as if I have completely let go.  I don’t feel like I gave the impression of that in my e-mail, in which I sought to reestablish our friendship, as I concluded with my uncertainty of being strong enough to handle this, and figured that I needed to start somewhere.  Perhaps, that’s what it is to be a friend, to put all of your own issues aside, so that you can be present, and offer your undivided attention and full support to your friend.  I make a point to have limited communication with him for these reasons, and hopefully, he knows that he can contact me if he’s in need.  I also hope that, if that time comes, I will be able to set my feelings aside and just be his friend.

What Is Friendship?

When I think of friends, I think of my two close friends back in high school.  We were integral parts of each others' lives.  We saw each other every day, talked all the time, spent loads of time together, shared our secrets, struggles, and all of the stupid stuff.  I suppose that's the ideal that I'm trying to attain again, since I lost those friends a long time ago, due to a fight between them and me devoting nearly my entire focus to my serious boyfriend.

Realistically, I know that I will likely never again have friendships like that because life gets in the way more and more as we age.  Life was simpler in high school with only our relatively insignificant teenage problems to deal with.  This is one reason why I savor my internship time so much because it brings me back to the kinds of close friendships that I remember; since, when living and working together constantly, we have little choice, but to be totally involved in each others' lives.

Yet, ultimately, that experience comes to an end and I am brought back to reality, in which I continue to struggle to understand what friendship is.  I know that friends aren't constantly in touch with each other, but will be there when you need them most, different ones in varying situations.  I suppose keeping these instances in mind will help me to determine who really wants to continue to be my friend.  However, I still find it difficult to determine who my friends are and what everyone's levels of comfort are.  I don't care for the idea of sharing really simple things, like a detailed account of my entire day.  I probably wouldn't even want to hear about that, especially nowadays.  I enjoy philosophical discussions, but it's easier for me to write them out because I'm able to take time to think things through and organize them into something that makes sense to me, rather than resembling the jumbled in my head.  I'm aware that not everyone feels this way though, so my emails end up being monologues.

I know that people are only able to contribute what they can, and I understand and accept that.  What frustrates me is the uncertainty, when I don't know what their situations are.  I have some friends, who I rarely hear from, being busy, but I know from past personal discussions and my history with them that they truly do care.  Then, there are other people who will send me a couple of e-mails, when we're only just reconnecting or getting to know each other better for the first time; and then, I'll hear nothing from them for months, not knowing why because I don't know what's going on in their lives.  I usually end up taking it personally, assuming that they don't care or I don't fit into their schedules anymore, especially if it's been several months.  There's no way to know for sure what the deal is, unless they tell me.  Novel concept.

I try to not have such high expectations for people because it's not fair to them; and they shouldn't have to meet my standards, particularly if I don't even meet them all the time.  I'm still working on this.  And I do trust easily, unless there's really something that unsettles me about someone.  I don't like judging people outright.  Generally, it takes me a bit to warm up to new people and I do act a bit differently with different people, based on how we connect, what we connect on, how comfortable I feel with them, how our personalities fit; any number of things.  But the initial trust and openness is still there.  I don't know if it's good or bad, but it's gotten me this far.

The Future of Relationships

When we were young, the idea of a relationship was something new and exciting that had more to do with attraction than anything else.  Oftentimes, we were seeking a person who we were physically drawn to without paying much mind to personality, values, goals.  Relationships were simpler then, even though they never seemed to at the time, drama frequently ensued with school age romances.

More recently, I’ve noticed that I am able to step back and analyze my thoughts and feelings in this department, and I am more often considering my long-term interests.  Perhaps, this is because I have become increasingly focused on my individual future, trying to plan ahead, and figuring where I would like to be on my career path in a few years time.  This, in itself, has proved to be quite challenging, but it gets me into this mindset of long-term planning, wants, and needs.  Maybe, simply aging contributes to this frame of mind, as chemical balances shift, kicking in the animals instinct to find a stable, suitable mate, with whom to copulate and raise young in the most primal sense. 

However, I would like to believe that this instinct isn’t solely what drives me, especially since kids aren’t even in any long-term plan of mine.  It does make sense, though, that at a certain age, we get the inkling to settle and begin to only date individuals who might fit in with our plans, into our lives, balance our personalities, and share our beliefs and values.  Others become not worth the time if one knows that it will not work in the future, if something about those individuals or their plans don’t jive.

Rethinking Worthiness of Love

Dear Friend,

As of late, you have frequently come to mind, as I remember the happy moments and the things that I loved about you, and recognize the weaknesses of our relationship, allowing me to better understand why it was not meant to be.  I also keep coming back to the question of how much I am contradicting my beliefs on love by revoking my love and support for you, as you follow your heart and do what makes you happy.  For a time, it was understandable.  I needed to take several steps back, reflect, let go, and take care of myself, which I initially could not seem to do while still being a part of your life. 

However, this question became even more poignant yesterday.  First, I faced a birthday party invitation from an estranged relative, who no one in the family, except her own children, on occasion, has spoken to in about fifteen years.  I was still young then, and wasn’t hugely involved with or affected by this separation, and yet, I held a grudge against her simply because others did, following their experiences with her.  Within the past year, she seems to be trying to make an effort to reach out through holiday and birthday cards, which she hasn’t sent in all these years.  I wonder if she is turning over a new leaf and wanting to reconnect with family, having learned a lesson that life is lonely without these loving relationships.  I find myself pitying her situation, or at least what I perceive it to be.  I want to open myself up to her and give her a chance.

Later that day, I was reading an article, which addressed how we often hold our own ideas and beliefs in such high regards that we tend to look down upon and severely judge those who have dissimilar views or are struggling with something that we label as inherently bad.  The article was primarily directed at the pretentiousness that religion can incite, so that such religious and spiritual individuals are only capable of acting with kindness and love towards people like them.  But this can be found anywhere and in anyone, which the article pointed out later on.  It’s not fair to deem someone unworthy of love, simply because one does not understand or condone what another does. 

This all relates to you because I feel that I have been selfish by ignoring you and blocking you out of my life, and feeling bitter over the turn of events.  Yet, this doesn't benefit anyone.  This negativity does not help me to come to any sort of resolution, it does not make me feel like a good person for abandoning you, when I’m sure that you still struggle, as we all do, and it frustrates me that I seem to be unable to stand by my mantra of being happy with whatever makes you happy.  Now, I am giving others a second chance by letting go of my grudges, and I don’t believe that this should exclude you.

I am still uncertain of my strength and courage, being put to the test of this new, potential dynamic between us, but I need to start somewhere.