And I'm Off!

A very quick post today, as I prepare to head off on my next adventure. Following visits to friends in the United Kingdom, I'll be traveling to Poland, specifically Biebrza National Park. I will be volunteering for an organization to collect field data on the threatened Aquatic Warbler, so that their breeding biology and reproductive success may be determined. The data may provide some clues for how to best manage their habitat, so that the population will grow. I will be living remotely within the park with no internet access, except from the field office several miles away, so my blog posts will likely become infrequent. I will try to do the best I can!

Polski List

I’ve spent the past several hours composing a letter to a relative in Poland, with whom I have recently connected.  I have learned a few words and phrases over the past couple of months through my inconsistent podcast usage and practice.  Yet, I know nothing of sentence structure and verb conjugation, my knowledge of assigning proper gender articles and endings to objects is minimal, and I generally spell Polish words phonetically in my podcast notes because it’s far too complicated otherwise.  Needless to say, these factors make for an interesting letter, and I imagine that she derives much amusement from my feeble attempts at writing in the Polish language. 

During my writing sessions, I am constantly revising sentences for the sake of simplicity.  Although, I find Polish to be a challenging language, it is really quite straight-forward and to the point, which is demonstrated by the significant lack of Polish equivalents to English articles and other filler words.  I also greatly mistrust the accuracy of online translation tools.  As a result, I translate the Polish word or phrase provided by the translator back into English, in order to see how jumbled my message became in a matter of seconds.  It reminds me of the telephone game, in which a sentence is whispered from one person to the next, all the way down the line, until the final player states aloud something entirely different from what the group began with.  When I am really struggling with the online translator to produce a translation with some resemblance to my original meaning, I pull out my hefty Polish-English dictionary to do it the old-fashioned way. 

But, finally, my letter is complete and ready to mail and, hopefully, does not contain too many awkward mistakes!

Better to Have Loved and Lost

“It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

- Alfred Lord Tennyson

This is a powerful quote full of truth, yet so bittersweet, and easy to overlook and underappreciate when one has not truly experienced loss.  I have written about the pain and sadness, which I have experienced over what had seemed to be true love, yet this does not compare to the suffering endured when a lover departs this world.  Loss is then, no longer about companions growing apart or one deciding that it is time to move on.  It is a forced separation of individuals very much in love, with their lives planned out, looking forward to growing old together.  Yet, for some unknown reason, this opportunity is denied.  Dreams are crushed.  The physical bond is broken. 

At least with the average break-up, one can eventually let go and take comfort in the fact that their former lover is happier now in a better place.  I suppose, this can still be said of death, as it eases the suffering of the one in pain, but it doesn’t seem the same to me. 

I read of and try to imagine what it could possibly be like to endure such anguish, but I have no real frame of reference.  I feel silly and selfish for permitting the mourning my own loss to consume me, when my former love is still alive and able to make a life for himself, as he desires.  I should not allow myself to experience my losses and defeats as if they are the end of my world, as there are nearly always worse alternatives, which I would be unable to comprehend.

The Thrill of New Love

Flashback to...February 2010

New love can be an intense and thrilling experience that continually draws one back, eager to delve deeper into this discovery; trying to uncover what it is about his touch, the twinkle in his eyes, his presence that drives me crazy.  I feel the urge to return to those moments, as often as I can, to explore this emotional connection, so that I might attach some conclusions to this abstraction.  But also, those memories make me feel so good.  I don’t want to let that feeling of satisfaction get away, not even for a day, and I look ahead in eager anticipation to the next time I get to experience it. 

Yet, it’s important not to get lost in the emotion and excitement because it will not necessarily better acquaint me with him. I need to ask questions, engage him, and simply enjoy the process of
                                                               getting to know who he is. 

It is also easy to become so immersed in another person that I forget about myself.  I must remember that spending time with myself is just as important as time with him, as well as with my friends.  I don’t want to lose touch with myself.  I need to balance my desire and need to learn, explore, and discover within friends, my lover, and myself because all are important presences my life. 

I need to continue establishing and enforcing boundaries.  Just because one thing changes, shouldn’t mean that the floodgates let loose to overwhelm all that we’ve worked toward.  Make small adjustments as the situation calls for them.  One thing doesn’t always have to lead to another.  There is no set path or guidelines.  We can make our connection what we want it to be, the way we want it to be, without forgetting or dismissing our original goals and intentions, even as it becomes more challenging and easier to lose oneself in another, in a connection.

Switching Gears

After having slept for two hours prior to a full day of traveling home from Puerto Rico, I'm not yet feeling up to the task of composing a new post. So I will switch gears and provide you with a flashback of a different sort.

December 2011

Together, we walked along these roads

In the damp and the snow

With your arm across my shoulders,

My arm around your waist,

And our love burning fiercely;

We kept the cold at bay.

Alone, I walked along these roads,

As you embarked upon a new adventure

And I was left here;

Caught between the misery of being separated from you

And the joy of your fresh start and new life;

I earnestly await our next reunion.

Alone, again, I walk along these roads,

Along these roads, where we laughed and played;

In these fields, where we shared secrets and goals;

On these paths, where we hiked for hours;

In these woods, where we passionately embraced.

Your memory is everywhere.

I feel your lingering presence,

Which is swept away upon the wind,

So that I am left with only your ominous absence

And the frigidness of our extinguished love.

The Ones We Love, We Hurt the Most

“The ones we love, we hurt the most.”

-Anonymous?? (Please tell me if you know who coined it!)

This is a thought-provoking quote.  Although the explosive verbal abuse of my boss can be hurtful, insulting, and downright mean in the moment, in the grand scheme of things, she has little effect on me, and her opinions and actions matter little, since I have zero emotional (or any other kind of) attachment to her.  On the other hand, if my mother berated me so, I would not even be at this internship because I would either lack the self-confidence to even set foot outside my front door with my head held high or be locked away in a psychiatric institution.  Words and actions can certainly sting, but the one who says or does these things determines the degree of impact.

This train of thought, of course, brought me back to my ex and my knee jerk reaction to the circumstances post-break-up.  In the moment, I felt that my words and actions were justified, that I had sufficient time to consider my course of action, after having been sitting idly by and contemplating this for months.  Yet, now, being far enough removed (I hope) from that time of my life, I believe that I was too harsh, too judgmental, too demanding.  I was seeking justice for myself and neglected to consider his side of things, his circumstances.  I find myself full of regret for treating him so, in spite of my mantra to live without.  I doubt that he could ever find it in his heart to forgive me, and I would not blame him.

What I Will Miss About Puerto Rico

As the anger begins to resurface at the two-faced behaviors that I have experienced through my daily interactions with a particular individual, I feel that I must take time to refocus my thoughts on the positive aspects of my time in Puerto Rico, which are listed below, in no particular order.

·         A fresh produce section growing right in the back yard complete with mangos, papayas, bananas, pumpkins, cherry tomatoes, corazons (also known as custard apples), plantains, and pomegranates

·         The quick healing powers of the aloe vera plant

·         Friday night magic shows with tricks designed for a “four-year-old”

·         I can see the ocean from the patio

·         No one owns a dryer

·         Little lizards constantly scurrying about

·         Frequent visits from beautiful tropical song birds and magnificent raptors

·         The funny way that one barking dog causes the entire neighborhood to erupt in yelps

·         The absurdity of the idea that roosters only crow at dawn

·         Working outside on my laptop

·         Good people, who make up the vast majority of the team

·         Big group dinners with lots of food

·         Mastering the arts of grilling and baking desserts in a toaster oven