Individual Exploration

Early Wednesday morning, before the sun even rose, the love of my life boarded a bus to New York City, en route to the suburbs of Washington, D.C.  He’s off to get a fresh start, get back on his feet, explore a world outside of his comfort zone, and develop a relationship with his biological father, with whom he will be living.  I knew he was going to leave and I witnessed it with my own eyes.  Yet, after spending the past six months with him and being only an hour’s drive away, it’s hard to believe that he could be anywhere else.  We both have things that we want to do, individual lives to lead, and goals and dreams to pursue, so the time is not right for us to be together; at least not in convenient proximity to each other.  We just need to believe that our love is strong enough to withstand the test of time, and that one day, our paths may cross once again.

As for me, I finally get to begin a new adventure, and will be hopping on a plane bound for Seattle on May 12.  From there, I will be ferrying up to Salt Spring Island, which is located north of Victoria and southwest of Vancouver, British Colombia.  I have been accepted for an internship position at a wildlife rehabilitation center there, where I will delve deeper into this field.  I am hoping that a full-time position will provide me with adequate exposure to all aspects of the work, so that I can determine if it is something that I would like to pursue as a career.  I decided several months ago that instead of jumping about between a variety of different types of internships, as interesting as that would be, I should focus on a particular area of interest, so that I can get a better sense of the field and develop and refine skills to make myself a more appealing job candidate.

I have kept coming back to animal care positions over the course of my life, and I actually could see myself doing wildlife rehabilitation for the long-term, having spent a portion of the past two years volunteering for such work; at least this is the feeling for now.  It still aggravates me how everything is so incredibly subject to change.  I do worry about going over to Canada and discovering, as I go through the internship, that I could not make this my life’s work, forcing me to go back to the drawing board, and potentially spending another long break at home.  I am trying not to think too much about that and just enjoy the internship for what it is and deal with this issue if it even arises.  I hope to keep traveling for awhile, and I need to get myself in gear for that, after spending the past six months hanging about at home in my comfort zone.

Appreciating the Little Things

I’m realizing that my past few entries have been rather negative, as I hope and wait to get away and start living life the way I would like to again.  Yet, my time here at home has not been totally horrible.  It’s just easier to zone in on the negative or to get caught up in the daily grind, and completely overlook the people and things that I have in my life right now that make it worthwhile.  Recently, I received a bit of a wake up call to how short life really is, how it can change so quickly, unexpectedly, which refamiliarized me with the importance of living life in the moment and appreciating what I have.  All too often, I find myself anticipating something, just to be looking forward to something else in the midst of the first something.  I don’t want to go through life never really being happy or satisfied because I’m so intent on getting to that next step. 

Other than trying to get myself back into the habit of pursuing constant improvement to ideally better myself as a person, I’ve mostly just been working and trying to make good use of my time.  Oftentimes, there don’t seem to be enough hours in the day! 

At my current job, I’m supposed to get a second oven, which I’m more hopeful about since the cooling racks that I was promised when I started over a month ago were finally delivered.  Ideally, this would help to cut down on the time that I spend baking and create more manageable work hours. 

I’m still getting out every weekend for contra dancing and loving every minute of it!  I’ve also been trying to get more involved in the wildlife rehabilitation community through my volunteer work and attending meetings for the state’s wildlife organization.

Changes that Death Brings

There’s been a cartoon strip this past week depicting the harsh reality of life.  One frame shows a happy couple in their courting days, and in the second, the man, much older in years, visits the grave of his wife.  I keep glancing back and forth between these two pictures, their journey through life and the journey after death, pitying what this man has lost.  At a time in life, one can feel on top of the world, almost invincible, without a care in the world, so to speak.  Yet, so soon it can change and life is taken away, for no one can escape death no matter how much one ignores the prospect of it.

Oftentimes, it seems that it is not something to concern oneself with, as if it’s something that only happens to other people until it happens to you.  It makes one wake up and take notice of what one has, how precious it is.  It is difficult to imagine life being any different with the changes and sacrifices that we must make.  How will I respond?  What will I do?  How will I change?  What is required of me? I am uncertain of the best course of action.  Yet, I can’t let death get the best of me.  It will happen no matter how much or how little I dwell on it.  And the more I dwell on it, the more miserable I will be, and I will not be able to fully appreciate the life that is here now.  I need to live in the present, recall the past fondly , and learn from its lessons and meet the future with courage.

Soul Crushing Work

I’m really missing unemployment now; the days and hours that I had to take things slow and do what I needed to do, what I wanted to do.  Now, I find myself constantly drained, having little desire to do much of anything, except laze around and sleep.  Perhaps I’m a bit hard on myself though, as I still seem to fill my days off with things to do.  I’m just still not used to this ridiculous work schedule or the fact that I don’t have as much free time as I did three weeks ago.  I also don’t think that the schedule itself and the long hours are draining, since I was nearly always on the move on Sherkin.  On the island, I still got outside, socialized with my mates, and had inspiration to write.   

Now, it feels as if the type of work and the environment are draining my soul.  I suppose that comes with working for a corporation.  I expected and tried to prepare myself for the worst going into this position, but maybe it was more than I anticipated.  I’m holding out to hear from my first choice internship, which should be contacting applicants in mid-March.  I really hope to get the position, but if not, I’ve just got to start searching again, and I’ll certainly be kept occupied in the meantime.

Re-entering the Corporate World

Now that I have a job, I don’t want it.  I was worried about possibly being here until May without any income, dissolving my savings, and not receiving any kind of monetary compensation from a future internship.  Starting back at the café helped a bit to subside my worries, as well as the snowstorms, which provided me with significant income compared to my bottle returns from the neighborhood.  I felt even better talking to the raptor rehabilitation owner on Monday, securing an internship in Oregon.  I was relieved.  It also made me realize that April isn’t far off, yet this was difficult to keep in mind as I signed my life away today for a full-time job here.

Now, I have a full-time job and a part-time job for two months, just to get up and go work my butt of for another several months afterwards.  Now, I’m worried about having time to fully enjoy and appreciate the rest of my time here.  The manager noticed my erratic resume and expressed concern with my environmental pursuits conflicting with working there.  I felt guilty telling her no, especially having a confirmed date of departure.  The whole job will be based on lies.  I started questioning what I was doing there as I sat alone in the conference room waiting to sign paper work.  I had the urge to get up and run away.  Get out now.  But I stayed to see it out and I guess that’s where I’m at.  I;ll see how the training goes and then make a decision. 

I don’t know if I’m afraid of the change, having to adjust my life, depend on public transportation and such, or if this really, deep down, doesn’t agree with me.  I’m really doing this for the money, for that security.  I’m letting it control me.  But is it worth it?  To lose my life for a couple of months to a company that I don’t believe in and lie to the people who I’m trying to connect with.

Getting Comfortable at Home

My to-do list is getting shorter, particularly as I’ve finished up my two major projects: report for the marine station and applying to internships for this year.  Now, I find myself with more time and fewer excuses to remain predominantly unemployed for the duration of my time here.  Upon leaving for my internship in Ireland last spring, I was hopeful that I would not be going back to working in unfulfilling, dead-end jobs anytime soon.  However, due to the path that I seek to follow, or perhaps, to create for myself, such jobs may be quite unavoidable, as this path is not really profitable.

The longer I remain here, in my comfort zone of home, the harder it becomes to take on new challenges that arise.  For nearly a decade, I have relied upon the same car for transportation and never really had to figure out the public transportation system or depend upon others to get me where I need to go.  So it becomes a matter of not just finding a job, but finding a job that I can access, which fits with bus schedules and routes.  Other people do this all the time, as the bus is their primary source of transportation.  I should be no different.  I need to just strike out and do this.

In other news, I was fortunate enough to have few corrections to make on my report and will be sending it off shortly, probably to have it sent back to me for changes at some later date.  And so begins the extensive editing process.  I have heard professors talk before about all of the back and forth among the author, peers, and editors, tearing a report to shreds, which can take at least a year before it’s ever published.  I doubt mine will be any different.

Seeking the Positive

Recently, I have run into an old foe of mine: myself.  The side of me that is unhappy with myself and my life.  The side that demands new and exciting adventures, instead of being able to find satisfaction in the present moment and appreciate the good that exists in my life.  It is overwhelming when submersed in negativity, unable to retreat from my own self-defeating thoughts.  When I am stuck in this moment, it is difficult to remember that I do not always feel this way; that I have successfully broken free from the chains that hold me down and restrict my life before.  It seems so long ago, but it has really only been two or three years at the most, since I became tired of crying and living in fear, which really was not living.  But how did I free myself before?  I had support, encouragement, advice, and love, yet ultimately, I needed to be ready to change, so that I would accept it.  I had to help myself. 

I know what I must do; how I can return to happiness, fulfillment, and a positive attitude.  Yet, all I seem to be ready to do is the complete opposite by being hard on myself, not permitting enjoyment, and denying myself love.  I feel alone in this, yet I am really the only person, who I can rely on, for I cannot expect anyone to pause their life just to hold my hand and guide me back to mine.  It does not work that way, and I would not learn or gain much from such an experience.

I share this not to bring you down, as we all bear our share of burdens and battles, nor to garner your sympathy.  I share this with you simply because this is my life at present.  For life often does not happen as one would like, but it can be helpful to share those struggles with others, as even an attentive ear may help one to let go of some negativity, and in turn, boost spirits.  So I thank you for lending me your ear and I hope that someday I may repay your kindness by supporting you through a difficult point in your life.  I wish you the best in your life and I hope that you find happiness and fulfillment within yourself and in this world. Take care.