Re-entering the Corporate World

Now that I have a job, I don’t want it.  I was worried about possibly being here until May without any income, dissolving my savings, and not receiving any kind of monetary compensation from a future internship.  Starting back at the café helped a bit to subside my worries, as well as the snowstorms, which provided me with significant income compared to my bottle returns from the neighborhood.  I felt even better talking to the raptor rehabilitation owner on Monday, securing an internship in Oregon.  I was relieved.  It also made me realize that April isn’t far off, yet this was difficult to keep in mind as I signed my life away today for a full-time job here.

Now, I have a full-time job and a part-time job for two months, just to get up and go work my butt of for another several months afterwards.  Now, I’m worried about having time to fully enjoy and appreciate the rest of my time here.  The manager noticed my erratic resume and expressed concern with my environmental pursuits conflicting with working there.  I felt guilty telling her no, especially having a confirmed date of departure.  The whole job will be based on lies.  I started questioning what I was doing there as I sat alone in the conference room waiting to sign paper work.  I had the urge to get up and run away.  Get out now.  But I stayed to see it out and I guess that’s where I’m at.  I;ll see how the training goes and then make a decision. 

I don’t know if I’m afraid of the change, having to adjust my life, depend on public transportation and such, or if this really, deep down, doesn’t agree with me.  I’m really doing this for the money, for that security.  I’m letting it control me.  But is it worth it?  To lose my life for a couple of months to a company that I don’t believe in and lie to the people who I’m trying to connect with.