Never Truly Alone

There are many things that I would like to write about, yet I find myself either too tired or overwhelmed by a feeling of loneliness to contemplate and focus.  Typically, I look forward to my days off, as time to get away, relax, and take a break from work.  Yet, over the past few weeks, I have found myself more quickly becoming aware of how alone I am in the moment, in spite of knowing at the back of my mind that I am surrounded by friends and am loved by those at a distance from me.  Realistically, I am never truly alone; it’s just a matter of perception.  And perhaps, only now is the shock wearing off and the reality of having no lover to return to is really sinking in.  It may be for the best that I am staying here longer, so that I may have more time to adjust, while being amidst a blossoming community.

Over the past few weeks, a greater sense of comradery has been developing among the interns.  There is more support, generosity, responsibility, caring, and concern.  Unfortunately, there is little time left for this community to grow further.  We have not quite broken the surface.  It’s been more about having fun and not feeling alone in this relatively new, often stressful and unusual environment.   I want to open up more, but I’m not sure how or what I may share.  I also don’t fancy being the center of attention for any length of time, which is the obstacle that I ran into last night when I had an urge to share my poetry.  I lost the courage to put myself out there.  Perhaps, the moment was just not right either, as there was a focus on work.

Today, I felt the need to be by the water, so here I sit on Fernwood dock.  It sounded as if something was swimming about breathing forcefully beneath me, though I couldn’t see through the cracks of the dock or imagine what could possibly be in the water below.  There are six sturdy posts rooted in the turf and extending up through the dock to prevent it from shifting too violently.  I sat next to the opening among these posts and less than a meter away from me, the little face of an otter popped up above the water’s surface.  He stared at me and extended his neck, sniffing the air, perhaps trying to get a sense of who I was and my purpose here.  I smiled and greeted him, but he soon descended back into the watery depths.

Internship Dilemma

I’m not sure what to do regarding this first internship response.  I don’t think that I fully considered the steep cost of traveling abroad, as a flight to Australia is well over $1,000.  Most of my savings would be gone.  I think it’s a bit much compared to the few hundred dollars that it took to get to British Columbia.  Also, I shouldn’t just jump on the first opportunity that presents itself to me.  I have time and there are other options.  Traveling to Australia would be amazing, but I think I might like to reserve that for marine biology work.  Yet, with this current position, I’d get my fill of physical activity, rustic living, community atmosphere, and traveling the countryside.  Although, it would be the same route, the varying conditions and bowerbird behaviors would spice thing up.  It might take some time to rebuild my stamina and endurance, but I believe that I am fully capable of doing the work.  It’s that cost...  And truthfully, I was experiencing some doubt, while reading about the daily work routine as well.  Perhaps, I’ll bow out now and hold out for something else.  I want to go to the ocean, be on the coast.  That’s what I’ve been set on since I got here.  I shouldn’t settle.

Procrastination and Other Thoughts

I have been procrastinating with journaling.  Lots of little things happen on a day to day basis, eventually accumulating to a number that is overwhelming to consider tackling with the written word, especially as they have already begun to escape, as my memory is no steel trap.  That is my excuse, and limited time, I suppose.  When I am done with work, I do not feel like doing much of anything, even the things that I generally would like to do for myself.  I have to push myself out for hikes on my day off, otherwise, it might not happen, or any other physical activity for that matter.

On my hike yesterday, I got a wake up call to take it easy on myself and pay closer attention to all of my surroundings, as I stepped up and hit my head straight into a tree that was growing bent over the trail.  I sat down to recover and was sore for a bit, before continuing on up the hill, as I did not want that to be an excuse to end my time out.  Worse things could happen as deterrents, but as long as I learned my lesson, I would likely be fine.  I managed to avoid further bumps in this particular "road". 

Someone was looking at the wildlife center's pictures the intern computer, and the one that was still up on the screen was of a seal pup, when he first arrived in June. What a change!  It is hard to believe that only about two months ago, he was a fluffy white thing, far less than twenty pounds.  He is now nearly fully grown and fat and eating whole fish on his own in a big pool with other seals on the fast track to release.  They all seemed so fragile and helpless when they arrived in June and early July, as many of them were premature and abandoned by their mothers.  Developmental time is so short in much of the animal kingdom.  The birds are even more impressive, as they spend about a week shedding their downy, baby feathers, before they are on solid food, eating on their own, and then off to a woods’ enclosure until they are deemed ready for release.  The process takes no more than a month, it seems. 

Since interns have started to leave, it has become more essential for the rest of us to be trained on the remaining aspects of the seal department, such as caring for those at the outdoor pools.  It is quite different and far more thrilling to see them in their element, healthy and thriving.  Many of them are hand feeding in the water, eagerly following the fish that their feeder wriggles about, imitating live prey.  Once they figure out how to swallow for tube feeding of mashed fish, it does not take long for them to progress along the various stages of feeding development. 

Life's Trails

As I hiked in Ruckle Park yesterday, I could not help but be overly aware of the constant twists and turns in the trail.  Some were rather sudden and unexpected, perhaps more so because my attention had been momentarily distracted by my wandering mind and the development of a false sense of security in a relative consistency of the trail.  This reminded me a lot of life that nothing can really be anticipated.  Unexpected turns of events often occur without notice, jarring us out of our comfort zones, forcing us to react, to think outside of the box.  If we do not do so, we risk falling flat on our face and having to endure an even greater struggle to get ourselves back to the place at which we started.   

Occasionally, there would be something that looked like a trail diverging from the main one, often towards the cliff edges.  I felt myself drawn towards these pseudo trails out of a sense of curiosity and defiance of sticking to what had been laid out before me.  In these moments, Ralph Waldo Emerson's quote came to mind: “Do not go where the path may lead; instead, go where there is no path and leave a trail.”  I felt that it was quite fitting for this hike and as encouragement for the direction of my life.  I also encountered a number of obstacles along my way, including slippery slopes, steep cliff drops alongside, and downed trees.  Similar, to the natural turns in the trail, I had to approach these challenges differently, keep pushing on, and find my way when it was not so clear.   

Although, it is best to make a hike or life one’s own, it is also useful to draw on the experiences of others and follow where they have been to a certain extent, as I did mostly hike on an established trail, so that you can focus more on where you really want to go, focus on those twists and turns.  There is much to learn from the lives and lessons of others, even when it does not seem that it would be possible to learn anything from a particular person or something as small and simple as an ant or a flower.  It is all in the perspective, in which one views these things.  It is too easy to be judgmental and unappreciative of what is right in front of us.

Living a Dream

It came to me that just last year, I was looking down from cliff edges to the ocean below into the little faces of harbor seals, which were peeping out from the water’s surface, staring inquisitively back at me.  I had wondered what it would be like to interact with these creatures, how they live, what their personalities might be like.  At the present moment, while standing beside a bathtub containing a couple of hungry seal pups, I realized that I am doing exactly what I had set out to do.  It was to satisfy a curiosity if nothing else, and perhaps, blown out of proportion as I considered it to be my career destiny, but that is not what is important.  I am living what I am dreaming.  It may not necessarily be logical or rational, but it does not really matter.  Yes, I am searching for my calling in life, a passion that drives me, but in the meantime, I can create amazing experiences for myself.  How many people can say that they had the opportunity to work with wildlife, especially seals?  There are only so many organizations that have licenses to work with or research marine mammals.  This is not just the daily grind, even though it may feel that way, at times, with so much repetition, mounting demands, and stress.

Acceptance and Appreciation

I think that I’m beginning to accept the break-up and appreciate it for what it is and what we had.  Not everything works out in life the way that we want it to, so that, oftentimes, we find ourselves forced to seek alternative routes in learning life's lessons.  However, this is difficult to accept and plan for, since we lack such foresight and are typically resistant to change. Perhaps, he and I had learned all of the lessons that we possibly could from each other and our relationship at this point in our lives; however, this exchange may have also simply become much more challenging with the miles between us.

Yet, during our time together, I did learn that it is possible to love and maintain a strong connection at a distance, and that though love may falter, it doesn’t fade, as long as the desire and effort to rekindle it is still there.  I learned that I can truly be an individual and live my life rather separately from a significant other, and that I can pursue my dreams in this way without guilt and regret.  And the break-up itself is yet another lesson in letting go and not hanging onto and fixating on someone who is not there or something that cannot be changed. 

For now, the distance certainly helps to cushion this moving on process, since British Columbia lacks the reminders of home.  Yet, the reminders that I do experience have triggered the happy memories, instead of anxiety over the errors and disagreements that occurred during the relationship, which is a shift in my usual post-relationship focus.  In the past, there have usually been things that I could have done differently to make circumstances better, easier, or to make my relationships persist instead of fail.  Initially, I did resort to this mode of thinking, wondering what I did wrong this time.  Granted, there are always improvements to be made and this relationship was far from perfect, as we are both imperfect humans.  Yet, we simply grew apart, or he grew apart, as the case may be, and there is nothing that either of us could have done differently without making unnecessary self-sacrifices, which was never an option.  There is a reason for all of this, but it has yet to be revealed; only in time.

Wanting More

Why is it we always find ourselves wanting more, wanting something better, or even wanting something that we cannot have?  What is so unsatisfactory about the present?  It was once something that was wanted, but now that is has been attained, it is somehow less desirable.  Everyone here, interns and staff, are here for a reason; they have a passion for animals and caring for them.  Yet, we quickly get bogged down by the work, the rushing, the chaos, the schedules, so that we seem to forget about this overarching reason.   

At least it seems this way, we complain about schedules, long hours, shift disorganization, not enough time off.  Why would we necessarily want time off if this is what we wanted to be doing with our lives?  We should want to help and learn as much as possible in the limited time, for which we are here.  There is really little time for complaints.  And I certainly fall into this as well.  I look forward to my days off, so that I may relax and have time to myself, though this is important as well.  However, it is difficult to get myself going again and get pumped for work the next day.  

It is amazing how such a unique experience, doing something that one loves can so quickly become old hat, part of the daily grind.  What does this suggest?  Is it not one’s true passion?  Is it just challenging to love the job as a whole if there are certain aspects of it that are much less appealing?  Do we just take things for granted that easily?  It seems as if I constantly have to remind myself that I could be in a worse position, being stuck at home in some dead end job for the rest of my life.  I shudder at the thought.  Yet, I suppose that such an extreme is necessary to make me aware of what I really do have, instead of simply dwelling on the present negatives, which are quite miniscule in the grand scheme of things.