I was supposed to be spending this past week engaged in preparing for my upcoming trip. I remember looking at the newly posted work schedule, wondering if I would have enough time to brush up on my Spanish, reread the information I had found months ago on humpback whales, theodolite tracking, and Puerto Rico ecology, make travel arrangements for my next trip, organize my living space, pack, and do all of the other detailed things that I needed to do. But I promptly fell ill with the flu, and instead, spent my week passed out in bed, trying to rest and recuperate, so I could at least get myself to Puerto Rico.
Even since the fever broke, I haven’t felt up to par to get anything done, not to mention I’ve just been so worried about having only a few days to do what I had planned to do in a week. I awoke this morning still fretting about all of the last minute things that I needed to do, worrying if I’d get it all done in time.
Before leaving for Ireland and British Colombia, I’ve felt nervous excitement at the prospect of those trips. Now, I’m just terrified. I don’t know if being so ill has thrown me off this much, as I’ve been battling headaches and disorientation all day still. I’m surprised that I even managed to pack. Or perhaps, there has been too much down time, during which I’ve been able to push off thinking about the future. Maybe that’s another reason for this fear; the future is here, and it’s no clearer than it was before. I’m hoping that I’ll get over this hump once I start moving again.
Also, there was a time when I was organized and everything had its place, so that I could easily locate whatever I needed. Now, I’m lucky if I’m able to find an important piece of paper. Twice already, I’ve nearly lost a train ticket for my next trip, as it floats about in my desk drawer. When did this happen? When did my life become so chaotic? When did I become so chaotic?
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