Re-entering the Corporate World

Now that I have a job, I don’t want it.  I was worried about possibly being here until May without any income, dissolving my savings, and not receiving any kind of monetary compensation from a future internship.  Starting back at the café helped a bit to subside my worries, as well as the snowstorms, which provided me with significant income compared to my bottle returns from the neighborhood.  I felt even better talking to the raptor rehabilitation owner on Monday, securing an internship in Oregon.  I was relieved.  It also made me realize that April isn’t far off, yet this was difficult to keep in mind as I signed my life away today for a full-time job here.

Now, I have a full-time job and a part-time job for two months, just to get up and go work my butt of for another several months afterwards.  Now, I’m worried about having time to fully enjoy and appreciate the rest of my time here.  The manager noticed my erratic resume and expressed concern with my environmental pursuits conflicting with working there.  I felt guilty telling her no, especially having a confirmed date of departure.  The whole job will be based on lies.  I started questioning what I was doing there as I sat alone in the conference room waiting to sign paper work.  I had the urge to get up and run away.  Get out now.  But I stayed to see it out and I guess that’s where I’m at.  I;ll see how the training goes and then make a decision. 

I don’t know if I’m afraid of the change, having to adjust my life, depend on public transportation and such, or if this really, deep down, doesn’t agree with me.  I’m really doing this for the money, for that security.  I’m letting it control me.  But is it worth it?  To lose my life for a couple of months to a company that I don’t believe in and lie to the people who I’m trying to connect with.

Getting Comfortable at Home

My to-do list is getting shorter, particularly as I’ve finished up my two major projects: report for the marine station and applying to internships for this year.  Now, I find myself with more time and fewer excuses to remain predominantly unemployed for the duration of my time here.  Upon leaving for my internship in Ireland last spring, I was hopeful that I would not be going back to working in unfulfilling, dead-end jobs anytime soon.  However, due to the path that I seek to follow, or perhaps, to create for myself, such jobs may be quite unavoidable, as this path is not really profitable.

The longer I remain here, in my comfort zone of home, the harder it becomes to take on new challenges that arise.  For nearly a decade, I have relied upon the same car for transportation and never really had to figure out the public transportation system or depend upon others to get me where I need to go.  So it becomes a matter of not just finding a job, but finding a job that I can access, which fits with bus schedules and routes.  Other people do this all the time, as the bus is their primary source of transportation.  I should be no different.  I need to just strike out and do this.

In other news, I was fortunate enough to have few corrections to make on my report and will be sending it off shortly, probably to have it sent back to me for changes at some later date.  And so begins the extensive editing process.  I have heard professors talk before about all of the back and forth among the author, peers, and editors, tearing a report to shreds, which can take at least a year before it’s ever published.  I doubt mine will be any different.

Seeking the Positive

Recently, I have run into an old foe of mine: myself.  The side of me that is unhappy with myself and my life.  The side that demands new and exciting adventures, instead of being able to find satisfaction in the present moment and appreciate the good that exists in my life.  It is overwhelming when submersed in negativity, unable to retreat from my own self-defeating thoughts.  When I am stuck in this moment, it is difficult to remember that I do not always feel this way; that I have successfully broken free from the chains that hold me down and restrict my life before.  It seems so long ago, but it has really only been two or three years at the most, since I became tired of crying and living in fear, which really was not living.  But how did I free myself before?  I had support, encouragement, advice, and love, yet ultimately, I needed to be ready to change, so that I would accept it.  I had to help myself. 

I know what I must do; how I can return to happiness, fulfillment, and a positive attitude.  Yet, all I seem to be ready to do is the complete opposite by being hard on myself, not permitting enjoyment, and denying myself love.  I feel alone in this, yet I am really the only person, who I can rely on, for I cannot expect anyone to pause their life just to hold my hand and guide me back to mine.  It does not work that way, and I would not learn or gain much from such an experience.

I share this not to bring you down, as we all bear our share of burdens and battles, nor to garner your sympathy.  I share this with you simply because this is my life at present.  For life often does not happen as one would like, but it can be helpful to share those struggles with others, as even an attentive ear may help one to let go of some negativity, and in turn, boost spirits.  So I thank you for lending me your ear and I hope that someday I may repay your kindness by supporting you through a difficult point in your life.  I wish you the best in your life and I hope that you find happiness and fulfillment within yourself and in this world. Take care.

Creating a Path

I am excited at the prospect to form further connections with animals that I am regularly in contact with during an internship position.  I feel torn.  I loved doing research, the life, the schedule, the intensity, and the reward.  I also keep coming back to working with animals.  Animal research, such as the technician positions that I am looking at seems to integrate these two interests to an extent, though I am unsure how similar it would be to Sherkin, since I do not think they would need to work with the tides, and it’s not quite the same experience as helping injured wildlife.  I am leaning towards rehabilitation now, just as I was leaning towards research when I was still on Sherkin.  My interests seem dependent on my environment, and so, constantly change.

Although, the change is no longer so drastic.  Early last year, I was pursuing the Peace Corps with the possibility of securing an environmental education position, somehow working with marine life, but the details were never divulged to me.  It was recommended that I gain more experience in this area, so I sought out a position to do so.  During this time I developed a renewed interest in birds from my last semester of college when I conducted an independent research project on them.  I was fortunate enough to get in at Sherkin, but this forced me to cancel my potential Peace Corps plans, as the dates of the positions conflicted.

While on Sherkin, I developed an appreciation for the ocean and the life that it supports.  I loved the field work and was actually able to see myself doing such work for more than just one season.  I wanted to remain by the sea.  I also wanted to work with animals a bit larger than the invertebrates on the rocky shore.  I thought that marine wildlife rehabilitation would be a good idea, but I also still wanted to work with birds, and there were so many interesting internships coming through my inbox.

Yet, I do not have the necessary qualifications for most birding positions, with limited identification, handling, and survey experience.  There are also only so many facilities accepting interns with the stipulations that I require in the realm of marine wildlife rehabilitation, so I started to settle with applying for inland positions as well.

This is how it has all developed, and in less than a year’s time.  I want to do something with animals.  This much I know.  But when it comes to crunch time, what will I choose?  How will I choose?  If I am accepted to a variety of positions.  I have to develop a more solid sense of what my goals are for this year and for the future, in order to determine what will be of greatest use to me.

Building Trust With a Raccoon

The raccoon who was trying to bite me less than two months ago has begun to allow me to pet him.  He needed time to get to know me and my intentions, and to distinguish me from the other volunteers.  I believe that volunteering an extra day for over a month now has helped greatly in this familiarization process, allowing him to adapt more quickly. 

When I started volunteering again in November, he would not leave the den box that he shared with another raccoon unguarded.  He would attack my hand even as it was approaching the entry way.  Occasionally, he would pace along the shelf towards the opposite side of the room, which would allow me to quickly scan the den box, but I rarely had enough time to change out the blanket, never mind sanitizing anything, since he would hastily return if I entered his home. 

I tried to convey to him that I had no intention of hurting him; that I just wanted to clean up, but fear got in the way.  It was difficult to maintain constant composure as he approached and I anticipated an attack, ready to back away.  I’m sure that this did not ease his skepticism of me.  Yet, I was hopeful that in time, he would become accustomed to me and relax a bit.  I also thought that perhaps by witnessing my friendly interactions with his companion, he would come to understand that I wanted to be close and share my love, and that I could indeed be trusted. 

Trust did in fact build, as after a few weeks had passed, we seemed to develop some kind of understanding regarding the cleaning of the den box.  He was still uncertain of me and tried to bite when I came to close to him, so he opted to remain at the opposite end of the shelf while I cleaned.  I was still a bit uneasy, as I did not want to risk having half of my body inside the den box when he would decide that that was too much and come over to let me know.  So I stuck to cleaning the front portion of the den box and laying down a fresh blanket.  I would close the door hatch, which covered half of the entry way, and tell him that I was finished.  Shortly after, he would return to the den box and oftentimes stay there with his companion.

A few weeks later, he began to regularly bathe just outside of the den box entry way, and sometimes at the opposite end of the top shelf, particularly when I was cleaning the den box.  Occasionally, he would pause to observe what I was doing, perhaps, so that he could better understand me.  I would make small talk with him as I went about my work, to which he seemed receptive.  Sometimes, all of that work would exhaust him, so that he would curl up in his bathing spot for a quick snooze.  Thinking back on that behavior now, he demonstrated even greater trust to allow himself to be asleep and vulnerable outside of his den box.

One day, I told him that I would happily pet him if he would not try to bite me.  That is what I hoped to achieve, although neither of us had yet reached that degree of trust.  I could not read his intentions and after being attacked so many times, that was all I expected him to do when I was too close.

At some point during that month, I started to remove my glove to let him familiarize himself with my scent, which I thought might make him feel more at ease.  I wanted to create a more realistic and trusting connection, showing him the real me.

Last week, the rehabilitation owner questioned if I was providing the raccoons with adequate attention and interaction, as they are education animals.  I expressed to her my uncertainty regarding the one; and I was surprised to learn that he actually would allow people to pet him, on occasion, and particularly, liked underneath his chin to be scratched.  With this new knowledge, I decided that I would give him another shot.

This week, I was able to give him a few quick pets before he wandered out of my grasp.  I even put myself in a vulnerable position, putting my trust in him, in which I allowed him to sniff my head.  However, I was not quite prepared for face to face, as I could do with the easy-going raccoon.  Yet, I did have to be careful not to lose my glasses to their toy supply.  Occasionally, he would still try to bite my hand, but this action was not as aggressive as before, and was, instead, similar to a cat's warning bite or swipe, when it tires of or becomes annoyed by the attention that it is receiving.  I was even able to fully clean the den box, though he still went off to his corner while I did so.  Yet, he did not attack when he approached, while I was still working in the den box.  He seemed more curious than concerned about what was going on.